Little talks

Hey my little love, im sorry that is 9am and Im just writing to you. The morning has been really busy. But that’s alright with me.
Max I woke up SO SO crabby again, I just am so sleepy in the morning cause I even though I go to bed early, I sleep so poorly.  I don’t remember my dreams, so that’s good. Max baby I wonder how my friend is doing today.
Max the box of drugs come today (that sounds bizarre).
Max Im drinking coffee and it is delicious. I think I will be disappointed when Wawa stops selling pumpkin spice coffee. I would not drink as much if you were here, because I think it goes through breast milk.
Max baby I set up a YouTube playlist of a bunch of new music I was told about last night.  Today is really busy, well we are short staffed. The day will be busy, but hopefully it means it goes by fast. Music does always help. I love noise in the background.
Max Im really missing you a lot. Im hopeful but also feeling guilty. I feel guilty that im excited about the box of medications. I feel guilty that I want another baby. I remind myself that I originally wanted babies back to back anyway. I feel guilty that I am hungry. I feel guilty that im so angry with family. Im not in a bad frame of mind today, just guilty. I even feel guilty for being fat and wanting to be thin again. Its like if I keep working to get my body back, does it mean that I am upset I have this body from you. (No, I loved my growing body with you. I loved the changes because of you Max). I even feel guilty for wanting to drink diet Pepsi again. It’s strange the guilt I feel. I am very grateful but at the same time a little anxious for tomorrow. Work is having an event for your daddy and I . I am overwhelmed with the kindness, I just feel bad. I know your daddy feels like they never should have done this, but very grateful at the same time. Your daddy and I are people that could just float by un-noticed and be ok with that. We are people that don’t need attention. I thought I was bad with that, in terms of not causing notice to myself, well your daddy is even worse. I was told to invite my mom if I wanted. Well I did not want to, but your daddy said it would be nice of me. SO I did for him. Max I feel bad, sometimes I get so shut off, what If I show no emotion. Will I be seen as rude and unappreciative? I tend to go to humor when Im uncomfortable. What if I don’t know how to act? How do I express the sincere gratitude that I feel. I wish I was good at verbal expression. Its just not one of my strong points. I actually really suck at expressing feelings and thoughts. I in general suck at speaking!! But just because I am bad at it does not mean that I have none.
Max baby I love and miss you so much.
2 more weeks until November is over, 31 days of December and then I will have met my short/long term goal of making it to January the New Year.
Max real soon it seems you will be meeting a friend’s mommy. She is going to hold and kiss you for me. I know you will do the same back for all of her babies here on earth. Max I like to think of heaven as this amazing beautiful, peaceful place. Max right now im listen to "little talks" its music is upbeat, soothing vocals but yet creepy (in a good way) it makes me think of you. But in a bright way. Not negative. It also for some reason reminds me of the movie little monsters, like it should have been the theme song on the soundtrack. When I hear it I just imagine someone talking to a ghost, or someone they wish was there. Almost like someone from the past that haunts them but yet gives them comfort and that someday they will meet again. Max baby the song im sure has nothing to do with anything about that. I know for sure its not about someone missing there baby, but still it makes me think of you in a fun way. That’s just how it makes me feel. I wish I could see you in my dreams, I wish you would just show up. I wish I saw you, I promise I would get it our secret if you would come back to me. Max I guess these are my little talks with you, but there not a secert. I love them. I tell my self all the time that you know and can here them. I dont need to speak out loud, you just know. We will always be connected, I just wish you were here in my arms.