Hi love. I feel asleep for a long time earlier. Your dad and I both did. He did because he is working tonight. I did because I needed to. sometimes baby its better if I just go to sleep. But Max normally I don't take naps, I just go to bed super early. (with the help of melatonin and benadryl) Well this nap today I was sound asleep. Had no weird dreams. Nothing.
Max I ate nothing good for me this weekend. I really think I gained 10 pounds. Which does not help my mood but Im just strangely so very hungry.
Max im sorry I have not written much to you today. Im just not doing so well, and its the kind of day where thinking/typing to you really hurts.
Your dad and i were watching tv and I told him that you should be here. Your dad was laying on me so I could play with his hair. The dog was next to me and the cats where at the other end of the couch. I told him that you should have been laying on top of your daddy. That this is not how things should be. I need to watch what I say. I think it really upsets your dad. I can handle it. Yes I had that breakdown last night. But Im able to contain it for the most part. able to keep it in. Better then he would be able to. I feel the need to protect your daddy. Also not thinking when we where watching TV there was a very pregnant lady on "house hunters" out loud I said she will probably keep her baby, hers wont die.
Also I made the mistake of signing into facebook tonight and right there when I signed in there was a picture of someone I know who just had a baby. literally today. Those new little babys just make me so sad. Happy-but sad.
Last night when your dad was trying to make me feel better. I told him I dont understand why you had to die. Your dad asked me what I mean, I told him that I understand logically what happened to you. I just dont understand WHY it had to happened to you and to us. WHY I did not get to keep you. I know im not a great person. I have done a lot of bad things. I am not a nice person all the time. Im definitely no saint. But Max I dont understand what I have done SO bad to not deserve you. I know im not the best person, but I never that I was a horrible person either. Did I not deserve you. There are a lot worse people out there, who get to have all the babys they want (some dont even want them) Of course I dont want babies to die, but WHY did mine have to. WHY you. Its not fair that not only did you die, but you died after you where here. Maybe if you were another early miscarriage it would be ok. I can handle that. Miscarriages are hard, but I can deal with them. You not being here, is something Im having a hard time dealing with. Why did I get to experience everything great about you just for it to be taken away. That being said Im glad I did. Im so grateful for everything I got to experience with you, but it just makes missing you so much worse.
There was a show on today with a baby being pulled in a wagon by two peole that just got married. Well stupid me started crying. We wont ever see you meet some one or get married. Every thing that you were meant to have, you wont. All the stupid firsts. I hate seeing babys that should be your age, and hearing about there developments and all the great things there about there accomplishments.
Max Im having an extra hard time. I REALLY hate being this way. Im not a miserable person baby. I hate what I have become. But I miss you so much. Something is missing.
Max im going to go to bed early. I dont need to tell you how much I love you, I hope you know. But I will always tell you. I LOVE YOU Max.
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