Leaving the house and Did I give you listeria? Day 45

Good morning baby bay. I had a rough night sleeping. I had so many weird dreams. I feel ok now I just did not want to get out of bed. I only have 2 more days to practice getting up before 9:30. Im going to need to have the coffee ready to go. But I guess soon I will also have a reason to get out of bed. Max Im worried im not going to see your little toads tonight because im not going to be home until late. I dont like when I dont get to see them. But thats how its going to be some nights, it just makes me sad.

Max i all ready told you that your dad and I are going out tonight. Im so nervous, not to be going out with him, but to be going out. We had this night planned and  but still I feel like im doing something wrong because im going out. The good thing though is there is going to be no kids and im pretty positive there will be no pregnant people considering were we are gong. Max i was always socially awkward and got nervous when people where in my space, but I feel like its 10 times worse now. the good thing is if I have a melt down its going to be dark and loud so no one will see me cry.

Max, beanz is going to go to my moms house tonight to play with Taz, since he is a lonely dog and I wont be home till late.

I know your going to be with me tonight. I wanted to bring your bear tonight, but your dad so no incase anything should happen. So I think im actually going to bring a purse and bring your receiving blanket with me, mainly for in the car and for comfort. I know I have your necklace also. You are with me alway I know that.

Max I have been real worried that maybe I gave you listeria. Going over all the things I craved when I was pregnant. I did not know how bad hotdogs were for you until late in the pregnancy. I also ate a lot of fruit with cantaloupe in the last 2 months. Well we have been hearing that cantaloupe has been a main cause of it. Im sure its not the case, but Shane is going to call the NCIU to check in on the results and ask if listeria is something they commonly check for.

Max I may not be able to write until real late or tomorrow. But believe me I am thinking about you like crazy. If there is any news in the autopsy results I will let you know.

I love you baby

Day 44 back to the baby doctor.

10am
Good morning my little boy. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are playing and doing baby things were you are. I go back to the Ob doctor for the after baby appointment. I feel scared. I dont want to have to go back again. I need to make a list of all my questions for the doctor. Max Im so anxious this week. Im not crying as much, but im a mess in other ways. I need to get myself together. Max I love you so much and want to do well for you. Today I feel a little more positive. Or right now in this moment I do. That can change in an instant though. Im lucky to have had you my little love.

3:30
Hey little boy. The doctors went ok, of course I could not help crying while there.  I told the doctor that I might not be able to go back there anymore. They have been wonderful to me, but I think he understood. He knows that it must be hard to keep going back to the place that reminds me of losing you. im so grateful to all there support, its just so hard. We still have no answers about what happened to you yet. You dad is going to call the NCIU tomorrow to see if they no anything just have not contacted us yet. Max im drained I miss you and want to know what happened to you. I love you my little love.  

7:50Pm
Hey my little love. I did not see your toad tonight. I feel like I did not write you enough tonight. But believe me I have been thinking about you all day. I went for my walk tonight and the sky was amazing! I love thinking about you when I walk and see the clouds. But so far  no toads. Your dad and I are going to go out together tomorrow. Im all ready regretting the idea of it. What was I thinking, I dont like leaving the house, what makes me think I can do a night out. I dont even have pants that fit. Looks like I will be wearing yoga stretch pants, with a hoodie and sneakers. Hot! Max I Was thinking tonight that maybe I killed you. Maybe from in the beginning when I craved hot dogs and that lunch meat I ate at the end, gave you listeria. Maybe I gave you a bacteria infection, I really need to get this autopsy results back soon, before I lose my mind.
Max Im going to take a sleeping pill again tonight, I need my mind to shut off. I love you my little love. I will be thinking of you all night.

My irrational thoughts and What ifs....

I know this will not make sense to anyone other then me. I know that it is an irrational. But it is everything that I have thought and still think at times. Some moments I think positive and like a normal person. Other times im a mess and these crazy thoughts go through my busy mind. The what ifs are getting better, and slowing down, but some will always be there.

• I killed to many spiders. If I had left them alone I would still have Max
• What if I did not fear the C-section. Maybe if you stayed breech you would still be alive. 
• Maybe I should have demand they delivered you sooner. Again I never should have feared the C-section.
• What if the doctors took you out sooner.
• What If you had a different name.
• What If I was not so controlling
• What if I was not so prepared for you. Maybe If I was not ready you could have stayed
• Maybe I wanted you to much. 
• I should have been nicer to people.
• I got so lucky to have you that I will never have another love.
• Because I have so many baby things, will I never have another baby. 
• What if I was not so controlling over the baby shower.
• What if I was never meant to have a baby. 
• Maybe I would not have been a good mom. 
• Maybe because It was such a great pregnancy should have been a sign. 
• What if I did not deserve you. 
• Is it because I never nested. People say before you have a baby you go into nesting. I never nested did that mean I was not going to bring you home. 
• What if kitty knew you were going to die. They saw cats know things like that, and she was always by my belly. 
• Maybe because I craved hotdogs for a while I gave you a bacteria that harmed you or something. 

Either way Max nothing will bring you back. I will love you forever and ever. 

Day 43

10am
Max good morning my baby boy. I woke up in a funk. More so just tired and lack of motivation.
Maybe coffee will help. Either way little boy I just wanted to tell you I miss you SO much.

12:46pm
Max baby I was just outside with Beanz, I was thinking of where Im going to put toad houses. Im going to put one by your tree for you. I have to take Beanz to the vets today for his shots. As good as a dog  as he is, he hates being handled. Looking in his ears, mount, and paws. I can but he does not like other people doing it. But then I dont like when people are all up on me also. Max I feel like im getting my period and it sucks. It also gives me hope for the future though.
Max baby im thinking of you always. Im trying to be positive today.

7pm
Max when we were at the vets today for Beanz the vet was pregnant. All I could think about was I should be taking you to your doctors appointment, you should be getting you shots as well. The vet was a cute pregnant, I almost did not notice, but then there it was like a basketball. When we were leaving the receptionist said your necklace is beautiful. I wanted to tell her that its my baby and that your ashes are in there. BUT instead I politely said thank you . Max today is rainy and I did not get to take my alone walk, I just did a little one for Beanz. I missed talking to you tonight and watching the sky change. I was feeling a little low. When I walked in from the little walk, I gathered the clothes to do laundry. When in the basement I went into the office room that I dont go to much. For some reason I went in. There was a little toad behind the door. Thanks Max. This little guy was real jumpy, its like he wanted to stay. I told him that he had to go outside or he would not live. Just like that he hoped in my hands. I took him to show your dad. Thanks for the little toad. I wanted him to stay, but I knew he was just a gift for a little while. I brought him out and there was another one. This one I have seen before he is a big guy. I think you sent this one to keep the little guy company. Thanks baby boy. I love the toads. I did not think I was going to see any tonight because its rainy. Max I love how you do that. Well I hope its you, I hope your around. I love you my little love. Max I want to go to bed real early tonight. Only because I have nothing to do and want to sleep. Maybe I will see  you in my dreams.
I love you

Your Heartbeat........

Hey little boy. I all ready told you today was hard so I really don't need to tell you much again, but I will. But i did go for an ok run/walk actually it really sucked but I still went so thats ok right? Max I even took beanz to an agility class. The good news is the instructor did not say you were a dogs name this time!
Thanks for the toad tonight when I went to bring Beanz to agilty.
Max I miss you...... I cant believe its been six weeks since I gave birth to you an since you left this world. Max I went to that therapy today and im not sure if it helped. Im not going to be going back. I do think maybe I need to find someone that specializes in grief and even more so loss of a child. Max I want to be ok. I want to not be so low. I want to be ok again. I hate how much I miss you.

 Max I dont know if I told you much about meeting with you nurse. But  she told me they were getting ready to wrap you up and bring you to me. The nurse that I saw, said that she did not like your coloring, so she listened to your lungs, when she did she heard that your heart rate was real low. She was preparing in her mind that you would need to go to children's hospital philly of. someone called the NCIU to get it ready. She said the echocardiogram showed that it looked like your little heart did not want to pump. She said they gave you medicine to re-start it several times. She said for some reason nothing worked. She said she has not seen this in her 20 years of being a nciu nurse. I told her that if maybe I did not kiss you that would have given them more time to fix you. She told me the same thing went through her mind. If maybe she did not bring you to me maybe it would have fixed you. I appreciated her honesty. BUT I am so grateful I got to kiss you, I dont think those seconds would have changed things. She told me that they had a meeting afterwards to deal with you dying.  I have come to a calm understanding that nothing was done wrong, you just could not stay with me.  They did everything they could to bring you back to me. Max the whole pregnancy I was always told you had a great heart rate, its funny (in a non-funny way) that the lack of a heart beat is what took you from me.
Max  I still  hear your heart beat in my head. Im so glad I had that home fetal doppler. I thought I was being neurotic but I got to hear you over and over. When I was worried I would listen to your little thump thumps. I wish I had recorded it, I was going to for you. Your beat goes through my head and it makes missing you harder. Even so I got to get to know you while you grew inside, when you moved and when you went thump, thump, thump with your little heart. The best sound, until I heard your cry. When your little heart stopped, is when mine did to.

Good night my little love. Someday I will hear you again.

" A song for little toad" 6 weeks, day 42

Max baby today is back and forth. I am very much missing you but also grateful to the great things. I meet with your NCIU nurse today. It was really good/sad/hard to hear what happened with you and what they did. It was touching to know how much they cared. I will be forever grateful to the kindness. Feeling over all sad and missing you today I came home to a package. A gift for you on your 6 week mark. It was a book and a painting . They were both about toads. It made me so happy and sad. Its weird how those two emotions go hand in hand a lot lately. When I think about you in good ways I get happy which also makes me sad. You would love the book. Its called "a song for little Toad" I never read it before but fell in love with it when I did. Thanks for the painting and book, you know who you are. This was a gift that came at such a needed time. Peoples kindness makes me in awe of how wonderful people can be. Everyday I try to be a better person.

Max I miss you so much. This day is long and I need to take it an hour at a time. Sometimes minutes. I was asked to take beanz to an agility class tonight by his instructor. I think maybe I should. If I don't I think I will be even more sad all night. Maybe I should. Should I? Should I be doing normal things?

I will talk to you later, my little love.

Thanks BB!

42 days, 6 weeks without you.

Good morning baby boy. I woke up feeling sad again. Today is 6 weeks since you have been gone. I feel like you were just in my belly. I hate that your not in there. I miss you so much. I feel like time is getting further and further away and your going to be forgotten not even a thought in anyones mind. To some, you all ready have been erased. And thats ok, life goes on but I cant Or wont ever forget you. I cant go a min with out thinking of you. Max Im starting to feel like this is going to be a really hard week. I hate complaining, I should only be saying wonderful things to you. Its just hard because I miss you beyond words. My life now is so different.
Max today im going to go meet with the nurse who was there when you died. Im going to ask her what they did for you, what she saw. I just want to know all about you.I did not get to see you after you left the room alive until they brought you back to me once you died. She also lost her baby 8 years ago. Max im a little nervous. I appreciate that she wants to help and that she wants to meet with me.
Max this week is going to go so fast and then next week back to the real world. Im not sure if it is good or bad. Right now though it all feels bad. Im also waiting every day for the phone call with the results of the autopsy. I hope they found a reason why you could not be with me. I have a feeling nothing is going to come back, but I need to know why you left this world. I need to know that it is ok. That maybe you would not have been happy here on earth. That maybe you are better where you are. Either way I miss you and it wont bring you back. I just want to know if you are better where you are. I also need to know that I did nothing to you, that no one did anything to you, that i could not have prevented this.
Max I had a friend remember that today was 6 weeks and that this week may be hard. Max I appreciate that   she thought of you.
Max I will talk to you later, my little love.
Thinking of you always.
Mommy

Day 41 goodnight baby

Max baby im back to my head hurting. Tomorrow I go and see the nurse. Im nervous and excited all in one. She knows what its like and she also was with you when you died my little love.
Im calmer then I was earlier. I went for a long walk/run. I ran more tonight then I have been able to and it felt really good. I saw some amazing sky views that made me think of you.
Max your daddy and I are going out together friday and im all ready feeling guilty for going. We are going to be alone, kind of like a date. I feel bad that we are going to do this. I should be home taking care of a 6 week old instead of going on a date . Max the results of your autopsy should be coming soon and Im also getting real anxious for that. I know nothing is going to come back but I hope it does.
Max Im going to go to bed early again tonight. I need to start practicing going to bed and getting up for work. Plus my head really hurts so maybe it will help.
I miss you more then I can ever express. I love you my little love. I am thinking about you always. Thanks for the toads.

Max tomorrow is 6 weeks since you left this world.

day 41 part 2

5:12pm
I got advice today in regards to how I feel jealous. Well I read advice, that someone wrote me. It may not be actually jealous im feeling it may just be grief. I thought about it and its true. I think it is just my grief.
Hey little boy I mowed the lawn for the first time in almost a year. Well I mowed half, your dad did the other half. I felt good when I was done. but now im back to being agitated. Im such a frustrated mess today. On edge.... I need something I just dont know what. I feel so alone in all this today. I just need someone to tell me its ok, and mean it. I need something to release me. Im just needy I guess. I need a phone call, or a hello. Even though I get those things something just feels extra empty today. Everything is bothering me but there is nothing that should be bothering me. I hate the way I feel. Max I love you...... I feel like no one wants to be with me anymore because I am no longer normal.  Im damaged goods. Im sad, angry lost damage goods.

Day 41

10am
Hey my little love. I woke up in a real cranky mood. I dont know why im just angry right now. Im sure it will get better.  I sleep well, but Its also because I took something to help me sleep. But I guess right now sleep is sleep right. I wanted to get up early but I did not actually get out of bed till 10. Max I love you so much. Why am I so agitated today. I need to relax. Max I cant see to ever get motivated until late in the afternoon. Max I feel bored and lonely, I miss you and I have nothing to do. I feel kind of lost right now. There is like this pit of agitation in my stomach. But I will be ok Max my love. Love you.

2:18
Max baby Im still agitated for all kinds of reasons. I wish my mind would calm down. Im going to mow the lawn soon, maybe that will help. I feel so on edge! Max I love you and thinking of you always
i feel like I need to punch something or scream. Sorry I feel this way my little love.

Big sky the end of day 40.

Hey there baby boy. i just wanted to let you know I went for my walk and saw that big wide amazing sky, with the sunset coming through. I feel better then i did earlier. I even ate diner tonight. My head still hurts but its better.
Thanks for helping me look at the pictures in the sky tonight. I miss you so much my little boy. Max I think Im going to go to bed early tonight,  I need to im just soooo tired. I think Im going to have to take a sleeping pill though (my trusty benadryl). Tomorrow I want to get up early and be ok being up and doing things. I guess I have to get used to it. Hey my little love the Beanz dog wants to go outside. I love you. Hopeful I will get to find you in my sleep. Goodnight my little love.
P.S Thanks for the toad Dal, I would post the picture but I cant get it on here from my phone.

Max I have an awful headache. I really miss you a lot.

DAY 40 Dead butterflies.....

Wow baby day forty it seems like yesterday that you were still in my belly. I had a really rough night last night. I missed you so much. My day was up and down with emotion, but by the time I went to bed I was REALLY missing you. I could not help crying. Then I could not sleep and the dreams I had were awful and some where neat. I don't remember them well other then most were disturbing and woke me up. I did not see you in them but they were about you. I wish they were all happy, but  know. It made the middle of the night even harder, some dream I woke up drenched in sweat. Im glad you dad was kind of awake because I needed to hold him. BUT the last dream I had was about a dead butterfly. In real life I saw a pretty much dead butterfly on a walk. It was in the middle of the road. I knew that if I touched her I would not make her worse. SO I picked her up and put her on the crash were she would not be crushed by cars. Well in my dream I was in my back yard and on the stepping stones was a butterfly. This butterfly was also dead or just barely living. But the colors were different She was streaked with all colors. I also picked her up and put her aside in the grass. Does this mean anything? A dead butterfly in real life and in my dreams.

Max this is what I wrote to you last night......Max baby I miss you so much, I hate that your crib is empty and that your not here. I looked at my belly and started to cry. I hate that feeling that your not in there and that your missing. I would do anything to have you back, safe in there. I still have that line down my stomach, I used to love that line. Know it makes me sad and I want it to go away. I will always miss feeling you move at night. I miss touching and talking to you in there. I hate that all of a sudden I am so sad.
Why cant I feel ok, why do I have to fear everything now that your gone. Max I hope you know how much I really wanted you. I wish I knew why I did not get to keep you. Max baby I hope you are ok tonight

Back to today....
Max does it  make you sad that I want another baby? Max Im going into the 6th week. I feel like this week is already proving to be hard and its only the first day. I feel like this week Im going to need a lot. Its 6 weeks since your gone and also my transition back into work and the real world. I can barely handle going to the store with out shane and I have only been into 3 different stores. I avoid most public situations and get so overwhelmed with anxiety when I have to face things. I still need to get all my stuff ready for work. Its going to be so awkward at first, but I guess I dont need to worry about that today.
Max I need to get a list together for questions when I go back for the post-op appointment.

Max I love you, im going to go make some coffee my little love. Its 11:23 am and im tired I just got out of bed a half hour ago. I will talk to you later and think of you every moment.

Day 39 Focus on an object ahead and reach it then keep going............

Relax, drop your arms,  breath in and out slowly, head up, don't look back look forward, one step at a time. Step over, step over, its mind over matter, Focus on an object ahead and reach it then keep going............

Those are things I have been told and have told my self over and over and over. When I  RUN! It took me years to listen and to learn how to do it efficiently. But running has been my life. When I run I feel free, like time does not matter. I can think and process all my thoughts, everything in that moment will be ok. Sometimes the pain in running hurts so much that you feel nothing else and it becomes a distraction. You can cry when you run and people think you are either really sweaty or in physical pain (not mental anguish). You can run for miles or run steep inclines over and over it sucks, but you do it and when your done your tired and it hurts, but it feels good, you proud of what you just did. You still are in pain, but the pain was worth it and the pain gets less or more tolerable.

Max I was running today, not as much as I would like but I ran. All those things were going through my head. I needed to remind my self to breath slow, to relax my body. Not to look down and that I should not stop because I want to, and to reach a destination then try to go further. To remember that I may only be able to run in small amounts but someday I will be running miles and miles. That building up to that is a process and it does not happen over night. Its amazing how much the rules of running apply to life.
Max I love you.

Max we did actually work on the basement today. Today started out ok, as the day went on I got real agitated and angry that your not here. But im a little better right now. I just miss you so much. The reality of having to face life again is hitting me also. What if I cant handle it. I miss you so.....

Max I took your dad on my evening walk , I wanted him to see what I see in the sky, when the sunsets. How I think of you, how I talk to you. How you calm me in the evening. He got to see the sky, I think he saw it the way I do now. Its amazing how much beauty I see in it. I always have loved the clouds and sunset, but there is a different kind of amazement now, its beautiful and its because of you that I see it that way. Im the one that always sees the toads first, well when we get close to our door there was a big fat toad. Thanks for showing your dad first tonight, I think he needed it.  Max I love you my little love.

Day 39

Good morning baby.... or almost afternoon. I wrote in your book this morning, So im going to transfer over some of it now.
Max Im thinking of you... I woke up thinking about you. I woke up wondering if you are ok, and if I will ever get over this. I don't mean get over you, that I will never. I mean be able to move on and be ok.
I was thinking about how my life has changed since being pregnant with you.
Max your dad and I were together last night and I did not cry. I cried the first time and not because I was upset or anything but because I was so overwhelmed with emotion and I just need to be with him. It was like I did not know if i could be ok again with being that way. Well I think my body and soul needed him.
Max I also woke up going back to the conversation with someone last night. Sometimes people say things to try and comfort me or make me feel ok. Well the things she said really did. I believe what she said. She said you changed her view on life and how she has been dealing with her struggles. She told me she realized that she needs to enjoy her family more while her family is still here. Max your amazing and you have also done so much for me in your short time. I need to stop being so sad and remeber that every moment. I just feel like I have no control over it. I have learned I have no control over anything really. Today I am sad, but not low. Sometimes im sad and just feel so low where the empty pit in my stomach takes over and I feel hopeless. Its those moments that I try my hardest to think of you and how lucky I am. How grateful I am. How there are worse things in this world. Im still so out of control  and thats hard. I cant control life and I cant even seem to control my emotions. But Max you healed me in ways while you were in my belly and you continue to heal me while your in another world. With you and your amazingness in time I will be better and have less lows. Today Im hopeful, and thats because of you and everything you have done.
Max today we are going to work on the basement, thats if we ever get out of bed and moving. Maybe I should go take a shower.

And now that leads me to now 11:54 I did take a shower and even played with Beanz outside. Baby boy that dog is smart sometimes to smart. I even think he is smarter then me.. I just wanted to write you, but I guess we should do the basement. This will be the first thing we have done in the house since I came home. Lets see if I actually get to it though! Max your dad is on call and busy working.... I wish he did not have to work so hard, it makes him so frustrated. It would to anyone, but I just wish he was not bothered by silly people. But thats work I guess right.. any job there is frustration.
Talk to you later my little love.

Day 38 Goodnight little love

Max I wanted to tell you that I love you and I shared your pictures. Max I love you so much I read something today it is a quote from Helen Keller and it made me think of you.

"What we have once enjoyed 

we can never lose

all that we love 

becomes a part of us."

Max maybe you can tell your daddy's, dad hi for him. I know he is missing both of you. 

Im still ok today. I love you for all that you have given to me. Someone told me tonight that you have changed their life and she never even met you. She said that you may have had a bigger purpose then being here. Maybe she is right. Max you have changed me and I am forever grateful. Im not happy and miss you so much but you have done so much for me. I miss you so much, but you made me a better person. You showed me how great life is. Im lost with out you but for ever grateful that you were with my for 41 weeks and 2 days. The best time of my life. 

I hope you are ok tonight my little love. Goodnight baby. 

Day 38..Should I share you ?

Max baby today has been ok. Its been a day though. I spent the whole day looking at your pictures. Its easier to look at them toady. I even am ready to share them with people. Max I hope you are ok but I think Im going to share you now. Max I hope im not making a bad decision. I hope you are ok with it.  Max I love you with every part of me. Max someone had a baby today and I was happy. I did not feel sad today when I saw that. I think its the first time that my first reaction was not sad, and jealous.
Its pouring outside now baby, and I love it. Max I think I may even share the blog with everyone. Maybe tomorrow I need to process the idea of how I will feel, how it will make other people feel.  I have no idea if it will be the right decision......
Max I enjoyed looking at your pictures. They made me cry a lot, but it was ok. The cool part is when I was trying to make a background for people to view them on there was a page called camouflage, well the site was slow so I tried to close it out , well all of a sudden the camouflage page popped up and there was a toad right there in the middle. Then the page closed. :) thanks baby boy!
Max I think your dad is having a bad day, I love him so much. I wish you were here with us.

Max Athan Brant (NILMDTS)

Click on the picture and it will take you to all the pictures taken photographer Ryan Estes through the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation. I will forever be grateful for these.

Day 38...The rain is peaceful

Hello my little love.... I have been thinking about you all morning. I sleep last night and I woke up feeling better then yesterday. Max sorry I have been so mean in my thinking. Im just sad we dont get to have each other. It seems like some things can come so easy for some and then they have no idea how lucky there are.  You were so hard to get and I was so grateful and happy to have you grow in me. Then you died. My world has been changed for ever. But thats ok, I still got to have you for 41 weeks and 2 days. The best time in my life. Yesterday evening was amazing thank you for that. I sometimes wonder if it is really you or if Im just making myself believe those things to make my self ok. Are you just the ashes that I have or are you really out there. I guess I will never know, I just have to believe that its you. I want it to be you.

Its raining today and I find it peaceful. I have an excuse for being lazy today. But today I feel hopeful and positive. Im still struggling and missing you more then I can ever express, but i will be ok with this moment of being ok. The thing that stinks is just like that, I can hear, see, or smell something that brings me back to feeling so low.

Max it is friday. Your dad and I are going to try and organize the basement this weekend. Its going to be hard because we wanted the one room to be your play room. Maybe thats why we see frogs in that room  often . Im going to put your picture in there. You can come and play anytime you want.

Max next week is 6 weeks, I go back to the doctors and then the following week to work. Its weird how time moves so slow and fast all at the same time.

Max love I hope your playing with lots of babys and doggies. I hope your meeting wonderful forever friends. I love you my little love. Thinking of you always. I will talk to you later baby boy.

Peace and toads.....a good night.

The afternoon ( Things are getting better today) . 
Max im sorry I have not been doing well. My morning was not good at all.  I was bothered by news I should be happy over. I did not sleep and felt so low in missing you. After processing my thoughts, getting advice from other moms missing there babies, and talking with your dad. I started to calm down. I was struggling with calling the nurse who was with you. When she said call any time and maybe we can get together I took it as a polite thing to say. Most people say that, but Im not sure how many mean it. BUT anyway I gathered my nerves (because Im not good at calling people to ask for things) well I called. It was the best thing I could have done for myself today so far. She also has been through this. Its also a connection to you. She was there when you died. Its weird how I can connect with someone I barely know. How I needed to connect. We talked for a while, it was good. We are going to meet next tuesday. Im so grateful that she meant it, and that she really talked to me. She did not rush to get off the phone or make me feel like I was bothering her. Max baby then someone else called, I appreciated it. I told your daddy it must be hard for people to call, its like they don't know how to handle me. I understand that I don't knowhow I would be with calling someone if the roles were reversed. When its not your problem you tend to forget. I have done this. I don't think about others as much as I should have.  5 weeks is just as hard as the day you born, but to someone not in my shoes 5 weeks is plenty of time to get over it. It meant a lot that this person called. Max Im feeling better. Im going to do somethings now. Maybe ill do the dishes for your dad, I need to vacuum and clean the kitchen. Im actually ok doing those things right now. Im ok to get up and accomplish something.
Max I love you , I will talk to you soon.

Peace and Toads.
7:25Pm

Max my mind is racing but its ok. Im actually trying to finds the words for this. Im in awe I guess. You know I was having a hard past 2 days. Well I went for my walk/run when I started the sky was cloudy and dark. As I was walking I started to relax and look at what's around me. When I got to the airport there were little birds everywhere. they were soaring in the sky making amazing patterns. A helicopter took off and they swarmed away but then made even more patterns . Its like this amazing dance, that only they know. It was so beautiful to watch. On my half way point I turned around and saw the sky. The clouds were rolling in but bright white. The red from the shown through. I decided to take a different road. I wanted to walk further. I look to the sky again and find it amazing. Just then on my ipod "back to the earth" by rusted root came on. The sky was lit up red on one side and the clouds big and white. I decide to start running. When I get to the end of this new road I saw something I did not believe could be there. SO I look again. Max baby the clouds made a toad in the sky. I have a picture but it does not look like it did when I first saw it. The clouds were formed well and looked like art. It seemed like all these forms were being made, I saw a dog going towards the toad. I saw two figures that looked like two people in love. I saw clouds that looked like mountains rolling in the distance. I promise I did not make this up and I wish the pictures could show what I saw but my phone did not do so well.  After this I just smiled and felt at peace for the night. Its weird how this wave went over me and in that moment I felt ok. I also was ok, with feeling ok! Max I was not going to bring my phone on the walk, but I thought what if I need to take a picture. Im so glad I brought my phone. Max it gets better, Im still listen to "back to the earth" and I was running like I was not out of shape. I was running like I used to and that feeling of being free came back. As soon as im  back home , I go down the basement to feed the cats, as soon as I enter the doorway there is a toad. I picked him up, brought him to your dad so he could say "hello" I took his picture and then I set him back to the earth outside. Max Im sure you know this all and I like to think it was all from you....... Max I love you and thank you.

You cant see the toad well, my phone could not capture when I stopped to get it.  But the toad is straight ahead he is little and in the middle. Im sure it looks like nothing but it was there

Again you cant see how amazing the clouds were when they were rolling in. 

The toad Max gave me in my basement when I came home from the run.
Thank you. 

Max thank you for coming to me tonight in all kids of ways. Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am and how you are everywhere. Thanks for helping me refocus tonight. 

 Love you my little love 

Day37 Why cant I be happy for good news.(well I am happy, just not happy :/)

Max its not such a good morning. I finally feel asleep around 5. When I woke up, checked the notices on my phone I saw something that just made me sad, and frustrated. Why? Why is my question? Why could I want you so much and then not have you? Max im sorry for the way I am, please forgive me, maybe im not a good person and did not deserve you.  I just dont understand. I continue to have a hard time with pregnancy, its like its all around me. I know I cant put myself in a bubble and avoid the world. I need to figure it out. Its strange im happy for others but so heartbroken for us. Somethings I wish I did not know. I know I cant stop the world, and I will find things out that really hurt. I dont know how to deal with that. People are going to get pregnant all around me. Deal with it. BUT how do I deal with it Max. Im much better with those I know who just had babies or about to give birth. Im not doing ok, with new pregnancies and the excitement for them. Im just not....... Again I need to just deal with it!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I think im going to stay in bed today.

Day 37 Its 3am and im lonely.....

Max love im having a rough time tonight. Its 3am and I  cant sleep and your running through my mind. I should apologize for being so mean earlier, I was just angry (but not at the right person). I need to stop being such a mean person. Maybe im just undeserving. I cant seem to stop crying tonight. Every channel I turned on was something about pregnancy. They are shows I dont even watch but there was "I didn't know I was pregnant" stupid "Tia and Tamara" I watched 10 mins of it and relized it was all about the one being pregnant and how much she hates it (but yes she loves her baby) then there was "Guiliana and Bill" at least she was not pregnant, just trying to get there. Trying not to be so sad, Someone took a picture for you tonight. Its a really cool toad hopping a ride on her window. Thanks for showing up everywhere. I love you so much, and Im really missing you tonight. I should stop now because the tears are flowing pretty bad and i love you. I will go in circles and repeat it over and over. I love you my little love.

Day36 Failure Try again..........

2:29 Pm
Max my mind is racing today in all directions. What am I doing...... When I woke up this morning I ate cookie dough. I wont eat anymore. I ate it because its something I can eat. I was not allowed to eat that when I was pregnant. I have a hard time eating, I have no appetite at all. I was SO hungry all the time when you were growing in me. Im back to my disgust with breakfast, not hungry at lunch but starving after 6. Its weird because I don't want anything to do with foods I ate when pregnant with you. The only thing I seem to want is red meat and broccoli. I was never a huge red meat person. I cook it on the George Forman and just eat it like that. On or in nothing! sounds good ha!
Max there are people im thinking about today. Because im putting things in here I should stop saying names. I know you know who im talking about and I will still put them in your book. I found out something about someone I have always known, its just not something you ask. My mind is processing what to say. I need to say "hI" to all the people I think about more often. you never know when they wont be around. A friend I think is having a hard time. Something happened between her and her fiance. Its not my place to know details, I hope she is ok. I know when your dad and I broke up I was a MESS but not the way I am know. This is a different kind of sadness an empty void. But when I broke up with your dad, I was not able to function at all. If I was pregnant at the time it would be so much harder. I hope they are ok, and are able to figure things out. I hope for her that she gets to meet her baby this week and is able to enjoy it. There is a man I work with whose wife died last year around this time. I hope he is ok. He has always been so kind to us. I think about him often and how If shane died also I would have nothing. I think about him dying all the time. I hope I go first, or I hope we are so old I don't remember. But either way when we die we will see you again.
Then I think about the 2 I think about often. The struggle they both must have. One I knew a long time ago in high school and then got back in touch with mostly while pregnant with you. The other I met in college, she saved me one night from massive embarrassment. Both I hope will be ok, both for different reasons. Max I love and miss you but im still lucky to have had you.

4pm Max im getting real nervous to leave and go do something. Im nervous to see Julie. Beanz will be happy. I just dont know how the going in pubic and facing old things on my own will be. I should be showing you off and talking about you....

7:20pm

Where is the coastguard

I keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me something

I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine

The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life believe me

(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean

(Blue October. Into the Ocean)

Max baby im having a very hard time tonight. I hate how I can go from  ok to a mess. You know I took Beanz back to see his agility instructor. I thought I would be ok, and I was when I was there. But theres things that really bothered me. I wanted to leave. When she would speak it was like blaaaaaaa I know Beanz was happy though. Max to start she told me I look healthy which means I look fat. But thats not so bad at all. Im just having a hard time focusing in general. She decides to tell me about a dog she is training. She just started, with a border collie, she tells me how smart and fast it is. Ok not a big deal, we then go inside to work on weave poles and She tells me that the dogs name is Max. Well Im glad this dog is fast and smart but Why tell me his name is Max. I did not tell her I took a poop and named it Luke. things continue and then she starts calling beanz Max, she did this 3 times before realizing. I was so mad, and sad all wrapped up into one. I know there is not harm in what she did, and on a normal day I would not be affected what so ever. I wanted to leave at that point but I was there for my dog. Beanz has been helpful with getting me moving, I could not run away at that moment. At this point im in a massive mood.

I came home and decided to go for a walk. I have been taking several walks a day Max, They help me clear my head. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse. Well Im glad its rainy and semi-dark because people cant see me cry. I was walking and then all of a sudden started to ball. There wasn't even a sad song on the ipod. There was no sunset tonight but the clouds were all over and moving fast. The sky seemed to fit my mood. Max moments I miss you so much more. Im having a moment. Its like I just get hit with this overwhelming sense of sadness, its an empty feeling I cant explain. Just when I think im doing ok, I feel so awful.  Max back to the healthy comment. She said theres not point to lose all the weight because im going to try again. Well yes we want to have another baby. You know that. The thing that bothers me is those words "try again" I do the same thing, I say those words. But I was thinking its like I failed at you and need another chance. I did not fail with you, you were the best thing I ever did. I may have failed at being your mom and keeping you alive. But you were not a failure. You get to TRY AGAIN at sports or if you winning the lottery or burning a meal, or guessing a clue. I hope to have a sibling for you but its not look oh well he died lets try again.

Max I wish I could walk all night. Walk until I cant anymore. Walk until im so tired I collapse. Walk until I have nothing left. Im sorry im like this tonight baby boy. I don't want to stop talking to you tonight, but im not being a good mom tonight. I should be better, im angry and sad and not being nice.
I even have cramps tonight, I hope im getting my period. If so then the next one we can call Dr.Munabi. I hope these cramps are not a sign that something else is going to go wrong. Sorry Max baby im not so positive right now. Feeling low.....But I will be ok....... I love you my little love.

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

Day 36 morning and afternoon

Max baby I wrote to you in your book this morning, which Im sure you know but this is just some of what I said to you at 8:30 in the morning...

Thank you for the good sleep. It was short but it was good. I actually woke up early, I think partly because you helped and those loud dogs next door. YOu would think there funny im sure.  I had a dream about you, well I guess it was more for you. I was going to a concert with Sandra and two people I work with in safe kids (car seats). The concert was not for you but I was going for you. It was a way to think of you. I brought a bunch of letters I wrote. I printed them out and even brought a thumb drive for back up. In my dream they were going to be presented. To who and when I dont know. When we were driving there (I was driving) but the back seat was filled with all the flowers you received after you died. There were flowers everywhere. I did not see you but it was a peaceful dream and when I woke up I felt happy. Thanks baby.

I wrote... Max im going to look at your pictures again today. The ones that Ryan took after you died. Well im going to try.  Maybe I should make a photo book, like the one we have from your daddy's and my wedding. I want to frame some but not until I find the right frames.

.....Max can you look after your daddy today. He is sick and not getting enough sleep. Your so lucky he is your daddy. I think he is under a lot of stress, I know he misses you. Maybe you can send him good dreams tonight, or some peaceful sleep

Now it is almost 1pm. Max I wrote a thank you letter to Ryan the photographer. I did not intend it two be four pages long. Good thing I did not write in the card or I would have ran out of room. Those pictures are beautiful and painful all at the same time. I don't think my letter even came close to the amount of gratitude I feel towards a complete stranger.

Today Beanz is going to see Julie and do some agility. I wish you were able to see how good he is. You would love your doggie brother. I hope Im ok going there today. Those people knew I was pregnant with you as well.

Max I will talk to you later. Im trying my hardest to have a good day for you. Im going to go for a walk, I will be looking for you in all that is around me.  Then im going to look up toad houses on the internet for the back yard and to put by your tree. Oh did I tell you we planted the tree Saturday. I made sure that it can be seen from your bedroom window. I hope it grows well.

I love you little boy I will talk to you later.

Day 35 11:03pm Miss you...

Max baby I am drained. This day has been up and down. Tomorrow I hope to get things done. I made a list tonight, for tomorrow. Maybe I will go and print out some of the photos that came, I just want to have nice frames to put them in first. The pictures are amazing of you. Today has been ok and bad all in one. Max Im going to try and sleep tonight. I am going to bed sad tonight, but also ok. You gave me two toads tonight, im happy they are still around. I don't know if I can handle the weather being cold. I will see the toads less.
Max im very sad in general tonight, I tell you all the time I miss you. Its crazy how I have this void. I miss you in my belly, I miss feeling you kick. I miss rubbing you, I miss calling you little boy, I miss talking to you on the way home from work. I even miss being hungry all the time I MISS you. Some nights are harder then others. I just feel sad, but I can deal with that little boy. A mom who has been through this hard journey and knows what Im going though, wrote to me tonight . What she said made me feel comforted for us. She said that you were happy and content in my belly, you had no concept of time. Now you are in heaven, there is no time in heaven. When you see me again it will be like I never left you.
I will be ok. You are the reason Im ok. I still have hope for us.
Maybe we will see each other tonight in my dreams.

Thanks for the toads.

Goodnight my little love.

Angry and grateful a JUMBLE of thoughts.

Max today is going ok, but Im real angry today. Im trying not to be. We went to therapy today, but she made me very angry. It don't know how it is helping me to deal with missing you and my grief. Im angry at babies. I think more so because I cant have my baby. I hate that im angry because I love babies and would never want any one to be with out theirs. I have met some really good people, who sadly are going through the same process. Its amazing how many people feel the same way. This is normal I guess. I don't want people to leave me out of there lives for feeling this way. I still like looking at there pictures and get excited for them. It just reminds me of what im missing. I guess im being greedy and selfish. Sometimes I want to contact people with little babies (people I trust ) and ask to go see them. Sometimes I want to hold them. I know how hard it would be but maybe it would help. Its not there fault, i should be happy. I cant help that it makes me so sad. Stupid roller coaster of emotions.
Im angry at having to continue my life.... No I don't mean that im angry that Im alive I just mean that life goes on. Life goes on when people die. I cant stop it and then catch up when Im ready.
I hate that im angry with my family and there is no reason why, other then just am.
Im angry that during therapy she was bringing up dumb things. (but I guess if it made me angry maybe there is something behind it right.....)
Im angry that my wrist hurts because I have been typing so much.
Im angry that today is 5 weeks since you have been gone. Next week is the 6 week follow up and then October I go back to work.
BUT
I am happy for loving you
grateful for Shane.
I have a wonderful dog who gives pit mixes a great reputation.
I have 2 feet that allow me to walk and run.
I have a loving family
I have my health
I have friends
I have a job
I am grateful for my sight to see the amazing things around me.
I have hope that I will get pregnant again.
I am much more aware of the things around me because of you.
Im going to try my best for you.
Im going to be nicer for you
I will always be grateful for what I have.
I will not allow my self to feel this way forever, i will not be stuck and I will be ok.

Max there are so many people who are struggling with something. I have friends with really hard struggles. I wish I could take it all for them. There are people facing there own demons. I know im having a hard time but things could be worse. When I think about you Max I am also thinking about them. I hope they get better. I hope health improves for some and peace comes for others. Max I guess praying is wishing and hoping for others. When I talk to you am I praying. When I talk to the sunset on our walks or when I am in a positive moment is that. Do you hear me. If so can you help others in my life feel ok. Thanks little boy.

Max there is so much I should be doing. I have a huge list of things to get done. Today other then go to therapy I have done nothing. Maybe I should start taking the ADD medications again. But im scared to because I want to try and give you a sibling. But I struggle with maybe it will help me focus again (ha ha its called focalin) . Maybe I will feel better if I can get something done. Maybe I wont feel so depressed if I can be productive.

Max I know im just rambling again to you. one more thing before my wrist falls off. Music makes me feel all kinds of ways. It can make me happy, sad, angry or all those things. The song cannot be sad but make me sad. Either way I like the way music makes me feel. I write in here under Anna Begins because since the 90's it has been my favorite song from the Counting Crows. It makes me sad, and happy. Its about a love, a love he never felt before. But he does not know if he is ready to face that love. He has to make a decision if he stays or goes.  Its about having to make a decision. Having to decided if you are ready for such a thing, Its also about pushing people away. Hurting the ones you love. Then learning you were never ready at all. But it was still love and now you have to face the consequences.
Max I loved you so much, but what If I was not ready for you. You have taught me so much and I can never go back to how I was before you.
On a different music note I heard seek up by Dave Matthew's and that song just sums up my mood today. Im not going to put the lyrics on here I have all ready put enough on. But it sums my mood up.
Max Baby im going to go for a walk. I love you. 

35 days 5 weeks.

Max baby it has been 35 days which means 5 weeks, I miss you more then I can every explain. You are  missing from me. I feel empty and lost with out you. Im learning how to function with out having you my baby. I have no choice but to continue. I want to live life for you, but sometimes its so hard to think that way. But my little love I would want you to be proud and I try to be think that way. Well I remind my self that. I remind my self that I have no other choice to be OK for you. Its 5 weeks today and I will need to do lots of reminding ........

Im up real early and functioning (as in doing something) I had a really hard time staying asleep last night. I was up several times, also real sweaty through out the night. I decided to just get up and go lay on the couch.I left your bear that has your ashes up in bed with your dad. I think he needs you, I can share you with him. Normally I do not get up until around 10-11ish. I did not have bad dreams last night, I just remember them being strange. I actually had a dream about toads. I wish I remembered more about it. All I know is that there were toads and I was outside. In one part of the dream there was a huge toad with a snail like bottom because he was so big. I had other weird dreams that I wish I remembered more because like I told you they were weird not bad. I did ask that I see in you in the night. ( I meant your face but I will take anything I can get)

Max I spoke to you a lot last night to me self. 

Max do you mind that I share my thoughts to you with other people?

Max baby I woke up and it is raining. I kind of like it. I did not know its was going to rain today though. The rain makes me think of you. It was raining when they implanted you in me. It was raining when I went to the hospital to have you, but it was a nice day when I went home with out you. How does that make any sense. Either way I like the dreary days. 

Max im really tired.....

Max I should start drawling and work on your tattoo. I feel like I cant drawl any more. Its also hard to combine a frog and a cute monkey together in a way that makes me represent you. I want the toad or monkey to have angel wings. Maybe both. Maybe on a cloud OR maybe the monkey hanging from a tree, but the tree is sitting on the cloud. Not sure yet. I will know though when its the right one for you. I think the clouds would be a sunset. I like seeing the sun set on our walk in the evenings. I can drawl things that I create and make up. I can drawl crazy creatures, but I have learned I can not drawl cute monkeys. I don't have any tattoos, but I want to get one for you. The pain of the tattoo will not come close to the pain of losing you. I also have to decide where exactly. I wanted it by the your C-section scar. But if I get pregnant again I don't want to ruin it. Maybe on my ribs, or the top of my belly. If its on my back I Max im not sure If I want to see that therapist today. But I guess it gives me something to do. 

Max baby I love you. I think Im going to try and take a nap im so tired. 

I love you my little love....

Max brings me a toad

Max baby thank you for the Toad. I was having a hard time lately. I have missed seeing your little toad friends. I took Beanz out, and looked down, there you were. I have been missing you so much. I spoke to the toad, im sure you know what I said.... I could not help crying. It seems like when I need you, your there. Somedays I have to have faith your with me, other times like tonight I get to have proof.

"Max brought me a toad"

A jumble of my random thoughts...

Max today I have been strange. Sorry I did not write much to you today. I have been thinking so much about you though. Max I found this website, its unfortunate that there is a support group site for moms that have lost there babies. But it is helpful because everyone on there knows how I feel. Anything I feel is ok, Im not this freak there.  (By the way I know I say lost. But I did not lose you, its not like I left you in the mall, or I lost you at the park. You DIED. I don't even like saying you passed away. I think its better for me to say you died! ) Max I cant look at your pictures anymore today. The ones I received today. Its just to hard, you look so different. I don't remember you looking dead. I remember you being my baby looking like a baby. I know the body is just a vessel for the soul but it still hard to see you that way. I love the picture of your little feet.

Max I am thankful to good friends. I know I am difficult I always have been, but more so now. I had good conversations with amazing people. Its reassuring that I can still smile when good people come around and say "hi"and wether they know it or not reminds me that there is more in this world then just my sadness all the time. (I really need to be better at saying "Hi" to all my friends) Its hard though when I feel like i have a big empty hole in my body. I remind my self everyday that my life is still better then others. I could have no one. I have my health. I have my love (and your daddy). I have family, and friends. I have a wonderful dog. I have great neighbors. I have a job. These are things I need to remember everyday. I have life. I cant think about me and be so selfish. But yet I still miss you and its SO hard.

Max im feeling blue, but thats ok. Its strange im sad but comforted. Its weird how I can be so miserable and broken but ok at the same time. Maybe the pictures reminded me that your dead again. Well its not like I did not believe it, oh trust me I know. But its reality and I need to adjust. Right?
Max tomorrow is day 35 which means 5 weeks. It feels like yesterday was the day you were born. But also time is moving so slow. I wish I could see how I will be a year from now. Will I miss you less or will I love you less. I don't think so.

When I write to you I ramble. Oh well I guess. If you were here in person I would be rambling at you...

Tomorrow your dad and I are going to see the therapist. ha ha I thought I would be going to a therapist when you were a teenager and in your hating me years! Instead im in my missing you weeks. 

Good night my baby boy. I hope to see you in the night. 

The pictures came....

Max Im not doing ok right now. The day started out ok, I new the pictures were coming I just did not realize how hard it would be when they came. Your dad and I went to the gym . I did well there. We then went to the food store together. Again I was doing ok. I would not have if Shanie was not with us. There was even this pregnant lady and her young son that seemed to be everywhere we were. I did not feel on overwhelming sense of sadness when I looked at her. In the moment there in the food store I was ok. BUT now just like that things can change. Max im so sad now, I miss you so deeply. This empty pit I have, was covered today. But my bandage was just ripped off real slow. My pit of loneliness is back. I miss you. Thats all there is to it. You are not here and you should be.
The pictures are here. I am not ready to show them yet. Maybe tomorrow or maybe next week. I dont know. All I know is right now I cant. I am so grateful to the photographer (Ryan Estes)  who came in and took them. I also am so  grateful to the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation. I was not sure if I would want these pictures. I still don't know to be honest. BUT I have them . They are beautiful. You are amazing. The thing that I have a really hard time with is you look different. When you were alive you had this most amazing face. I look at the pictures today and you look dead. You face looks different. I hate that! It took me by surprise how much different you look. I know its you though, there your feet. I love you little feet. I love looking at your fingers. The pictures are amazing. Your dad looks so sad with you. I wish this did not happen so that he would not be so sad. Max im rambling now, but its because im lost for words. Im just lost in general. I want to print out every picture put it in an album and bring you everywhere with me. I will frame the ones where it does not look obvious that you are no longer alive. I love looking at you little body. Max baby I love you.

Max love Casey gave us a necklace that I wear next to the one with your ashes. It came with a poem that is perfect for me today.

Forget me not

My little one

You have left us too soon

Though my body can no longer hold you

I hold you forever in my heart

As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time

A mother's love does not forget

Max you know I will never forget you, and you are forever with me. I guess these pictures even though you are not alive are another way for me to keep you with me. 

Where are the Toads. Day 34

11:15 am Day 34
Good morning little boy. Or should I say afternoon. Your dad and I got up at like 1030. For him it makes sense because he works at night, but me I have no excuse. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was tired, but my mind was racing. Then I started watching a movie, which made me more awake. I wrote to you in your blue book. I know you know what's in there. I told you how anxious I am to get the mail today. I really hope your pictures are there, but im also nervous.
I hope you are happy with your blog, I hope that you don't mind me talking so much about you.
I hope im not doing anything wrong by sharing what I write to you with other people. Max baby I love you.
I did not see any toads last night again. Are you hiding them from me. Do you think I don't need to see them anymore. Well I do need to see them. I know they are still there, and its just to cold for them at night. Your dad says it because its cold, and would I want them to come out when its to cold for them. Well no I don't want them to die. But thats me being selfish again, I want to see one. Its been 4 days now with out one. When I see them it makes me think your ok OR that your telling me its ok, and that I will be ok. Maybe I don't need to see them as much as I did in the beginning. Was that a gift from you. Every since I came down the stairs the first night I sleep in the bedroom. I saw that little toad hop in your room. We have never had a toad in the upstairs. I want to believe it was you, little boy. Then I started seeing them all the time. I would take Beanz out and there they would be just waiting for me, big ones, fat ones, and little baby ones. every night there they would be. Then they would start to not be there, and just when I started to feel sad and go inside there one would be just looking at me. Now it looks like they may be getting ready to hibernate. I guess its like you little boy. I cant see you anymore but I know your here. When I went for my alone walk the sunset was amazing again. Maybe you were finger painting with all the other angels up there.

Today Im going to try and go the gym. Call the doctor about the prescription and the dreaded grocery shopping. (im only doing that if Shane goes) Lets see if I can get one of those things done. Max when I was pregnant with you I promised I was going to be more domestic like when you came. Well im still not!

Day 34 part 1

 Max its 3am on day 34 and im wide awake. I decided to not take a sleeping pill. Maybe i should have. I love you little boy.

This was my letter to Max, that was at his memorial service. For those who were not there;

 To my Max, 

I wanted you before I had you. When I saw that you were mine, I was beyond excited. I started preparing for you in the very beginning. I must have known you were going to be a boy, I only seemed to buy boy things. Maybe I was to excited. I remember reading about a culture (I don’t remember which one) that does not celebrate the baby until after they have arrived. I thought I needed to be prepared, but it makes since now. I got to borrow you, and I thank you for that. 

The whole pregnancy I worried about you, but I guess I was more worried about me. I wanted you to be perfect, because I really wanted you. But through my worries things continued to go well. I bought a home doppler so I could make sure you had a heart beat, so I could hear you. Whenever I was worried I would listen to your beautiful sound. You were developing wonderfully. Every pain I had went away. I was so happy. Max I wonder if you know or could feel how much I loved you growing inside me. 

I wish I was not so controlling. I wish I let everything go. I would take all the things I have been given in my life just to have you. Max I thought you were mine, but again I guess I just got to borrow you. I think you were to teach me how precious life is. How much I take for granted, How fast the people you love can disappear. How precious life is, and to enjoy what I have in the moment. 

Max you were so loved. Max baby you would have loved your daddy, he loved you. Your dad is one of the greatest people I have ever met. Max you looked just like your daddy’s, dad. Its funny cause the whole pregnancy I keep saying how neat it would be if you came out with blonde hair and blue eyes like him Well you came out with dark hair and eyes. But you did look like him. You had my furrowed brow, and slantie eyes. But you looked so much like your grandfather. You had the cutest button nose. You had your dads wonderful mouth and perfect chin.  Max I love looking at your nose and the way your mouth cues up in the one picture right after you were born.

Max it has not been easy, some days are harder then others. Sometimes I get sad, overwhelmingly so. It just hits me, and I cant control it. Sometimes I get angry, and question everything I have done up until this point. Its going to be hard and for a while but Max I am hopeful. I got to see your little face, I got to hear you cry and I got to meet you. I got to kiss your beautiful cheek when you were still on this earth. I wonder what went wrong, and I may never have a definite answer, I need to except that. I need to move on and forgive. It may seem strange but you have given me hope. Hope for the future and confidence that I can get through anything. Hope that someday I will give you a sibling and get to experience having the same feeling that I had when you were growing in me. I love looking forward to having that feeling you gave me again. You taught me a different kind of love. I will not be stuck on the idea that I lost you. Yes I miss you and my heart hurts, I will always miss you. but in your little time with me you have given me so much joy and I love you. 

Love you always......

Pictures

Max I love pictures. A picture can help hold a memory. A picture makes you real. At first I did not want to share your pictures. I wanted to keep you to my self. But sharing you makes you more real. Max while in the hospital after you died, these people came in and took your picture. They were the " Now I lay me down to sleep" foundation. When the guy came in to take your picture I did not know who he was. I thought he thought you were still alive. I then learned where he was from. I did not know if this was a good idea at first. I could not stop crying. Well since I have been home, I have been checking the mail for your pictures. Its like I need to see them. I know your not alive in the pictures, but everything was a fog. What if they remind me of something that happened. What If I get to see you in a way I missed because I was in such a fog. Well I received a letter on friday, saying that they will be coming soon. The letter also said to prepare your self because they may be hard to look at. Once I got that letter, I have been having a hard time. Maybe im not ready to see them. Im scared to see them, but at the same time I need to see them. They should be here tomorrow and im getting anxious.  Im so glad I have three pictures of you alive. I love looking at you. I could look at you all day my little love.

What to do with the baby things.

Max was full term so we had evything but a high chair. I refse to get rid of anything. I dont think Im being selfish. He was my baby and these are his things. Its not like they out grew there things, he died. These items are a connection I hold to the idea of him. After the memorial I did pack most of the baby things up. I put all the clothes/blankets and baby things like toys, bottles, bath stuff all in bins. (nice ones) I felt the need to make the room less cluttered. I did not want anything to get ruined, or get dust on it. I left the crib up, but I took all the bedding down except for a sheet. I made the changing table into Max's table. His Ashes sit there with pictures from when he was alive. His box from the hospital that has his little hat and a some of his hair. I wanted to make the room more peacfull. It was very clutterd before. I also hold on to these things for a sibling for my baby. I wanted kids back to back anyway. It just gives me hope that I will be able to share him with a sibling for him. Max gave me hope that things will someday be ok again. I know the fear of trying again is overwhelming but it keeps me going . Because I also do not know why Max died it brings up so much fear and unanswered questions. Will this happen again, how can they correct it if they dont know why. I think these are things that I have to figure out how to answer for my self. I wish I had nothing though. I wish I started getting things after you were born, not before. 

Day 33 part 2 in the evening.

I think in the beginning I will be writing a lot. It Makes me feel better. Max so far im doing well today. I think it is because I have been distracted. The evenings have been harder for me lately. I just get so sad. Last night I was having a hard time. I spent some time with Shane. Shane is my saving grace through all this. I would never be able to do this with out him. I also feel like Shane is going to get tired of me. Tired of me being sad and not wanting to do anything. I know he loves me. I would not be able to survive with out him.Today I decided I was going to try to run. I am so out of shape and overweight. It would be all worth it If I had Max with me. The run went ok. I walked then ran some. I got out Beanz agility equipment, so I have been able to be outside with him. I always feel guilty no matter what. I am guilty for everything. Days when I have ok days, I feel guilty. I want to be ok. Im ok to go outside, but im still not ok to be in public. Im not doing well with lots of people. I love face book but sometimes its toxic to me because I can see beautiful babies, and everyones excitement. Even my own sister, which then makes me feel sorry for myself.  I feel like an evil, jealous person. Maybe I am unworthy for him, because I feel this way. I am happy for them and would never want anyone to feel bad. Thats not what I mean. I just miss you. I guess im just feeling sorry for myself and wish I had you here with me.

Last week we went and talked to the fertility doctor. According to him we should be able to use are frozen embryos around January. It feels so far away. I need to try again. I need a reason to take care of my self, a reason to eat, and a reason to breath. What Max gave me was so amazing. Am I being selfish for wanting that back. I did want kids back to back originally. It also brings up so many fears, what if this can happen again. What if my next baby dies. What if the IVF does not work. I would like to know what happened to Max, so that I may prevent it in the future. I know this is something to fear in the future, and I should not be so focused on it now.

Max now we are into the evening and here comes my missing you. I hope the toad comes out today because it has been warmer. I miss seeing the toads. When I see the toads it makes me think your ok and that you are here with me.

I am so thankful for you Max. You healed me in so many ways. Before you came I was always focused on me in the sense that I was unhappy with my body. I spent so many years trying to change it. I could never be thin enough. Then you came along and I loved getting fat for you. I did everything for you. You showed me how to put my self destructing tendencies aside and think about someone else. Max you fixed me in ways that no one else ever could have. I wont go back there for you.  I may be broken now, but I am a different person then I was before. Currently I am fearful, and timid, but still hopeful and thankful for you and everything I have.

Max baby I love you. Overall today is OK, but even OK days are hard.

Day 33 part 1

This Is the first posting. This is also just an intro, to catch you up to where I am today.
Today is September 18th, 2011. It has been 33 long days since my baby Max has died. I have been writing to him everyday since I go home from the hospital. I miss him so much and this blog will be another way I get to write to my baby and share my love to him. My mind races all the time and sometimes what you read may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me. I think I will start by sharing some of the things I have written to my baby.
This is for me and I hope no one gets offend. I am an honest person and will not hold back.
There have been a lot of days with a lot of thoughts. I wanted to write most of them down on here. I wanted people to be able to read the things I have written to my Max. I left out some things. The things that only make sense to me and my baby. I hope that you are able to read my thoughts. I thank you for helping me keep Max alive with in me.
One more thing. I tend to write how I speak. I apologize for my spelling and lack of grammar. Please don't judge me for that.

DAY 9 I wrote " I have nothing to wake up to but I still have to wake up, then all I do is think about you and how cheated we are. Im so afraid the loss of you has ruined me. I cry at random things. I see the pain on Shanes face and wish it never had to be that way. I may be selfish but I miss you in my belly. I miss feeling your movement. I miss taking care of myself so that you would be ok"
DAY 10 " Max I made it to double digits. All that means is that you are getting further away from since I had you. I had to go to the doctors today for the C-section being infected. It was so hard to be there at that office. I felt like I was marked with a huge X. Everyone knew I was the one whose baby had died. "
" Max you look like Shanes daddy, maybe he is with you"
"Max I wish I would have been able to keep you. Your dad would have been a wonderful daddy. Im so glad he kissed my belly almost every night when you were growing inside me. "
"Max Im so scared that you were my one and only chance and I ruined it. Max im sorry"
" Max I never should have feared the C-section. Maybe if you stayed breech and were born sooner you would still be alive."
"I have to manny fucking what ifs"
"Should I go to church. Will that change things for me. If I want to go to church how will that make Shane feel. For some reason I don't feel there is this "God" person, but I do believe in something bigger then me, that I cant explain. "
" Max it is still day 10, and it has been hard. I hate myself for thinking jealous thoughts, but I saw a man with a little baby and I felt so jealous. Why was she so lucky?"
DAY 11"Max my love talking with Casey yesterday I learned of a mom who had twins. One of her babies died on 8/4. She had her baby for four and a half months.  I hope the moments you had in life were ok, with no pain. I hope you drifted away with no fear. I know coming into the world is stressful, but at least you did not suffer long. "
" I feel like I cant post how I feel on facebook because people will think im doing bad. Which I am I just don't want people to know. I don't want to see comments from my mom and all her pity. I know she wants me to feel better, but no one can make me feel better. We are different. She has a need to hover, I need to separate, figure things out and be with Shane. I feel bad for my mom. But Max I lost you , and I love you"
" Someone said people say we are strong , when in truth we have no choice to be a certain way in front of people"
"Max this morning was hard, but I had a realization that then mid mornings are hard because you were born at 11:40am and then died shortly after. Why did I not realize this till now. My body new it was empty with out you"
" I am aware that i am distant and blank when people attempt to comfort me. I feel bad, but I am very appreciative"
"Max each day seems harder and harder. I miss you more and more. I go through sadness, anger and guilt all at the same time. I am able to do more things each day but the sadness is getting worse. "
"Max is it going to be like this forever"
"Did I not nest like I hear people describe because you were not going to be coming home with me. Was I to controlling. I had to have everything, my way. Did I really need to have all your baby things. I should have not prepared. Maybe then I would still have you."
"Max I got your ashes today, I feel exhausted but I have the teddy bear with you inside of it. I love it. It is something to hold. I need it. I also have a necklace with a piece of you inside it . You will always be with me"
" Your death certificate says Hypoxemic respiratory failure...................but why. you were perfect."

"I feel bad for my own mother"
"Max you are a beautiful baby. I love looking at your face. Your button nose and cute little lips"
DAY 12 "Max my baby I was so happy to have you in my belly. You were the greatest thing ever and I cant control missing you. Love you baby boy"
"Max were do people really go when they die. No one will ever really know. Do we tell our selves things to make ourselves feel better, or do we really need something to believe in"
DAY 13" Max today I cant breath, I feel like im going to break into a million pieces.
"Max I feel so angry and sad all the time. There seems to be happy familys everywhere with there babies. When I was pregnant with you I had lots of friends who were also pregnant. SOme even giving birth when I was as well. I am happy for truly happy for them and I would not want any one to feel this pain. BUT why could I not keep you? I feel so much jealous towards them. Which makes me feel worse. I hate how I feel, am I an evil person?"
"yesterday I was ok. What ever that means. Today I am anything but ok. I have my mom checking on me every moment. I just want you home with me. I feel cheated, lost and like my world was picked up and thrown down into a million micro-parts. I wake up lost and go to sleep lost. I need you more then I ever thought would."
DAY 14 "this month is almost over, does it mean you are more gone."
"Max when do we call a therapist? will it mean Im trying to push you behind to fast."
"Max I love you. Should I make a blog for you? Or should I keep it hear in your book?"
"Dear Max it has been two weeks. Today I will write my letter for your memorial. Its crazy how guilty I can feel for feeling ok for a little while"
"Max remember the crab spider. He hunts me "
DAY 17 "Max today is your memorial. we will get through today, you, daddy , and me."
"Max today is so hard, im sitting in your room and its peaceful, but you should be here with me. I wish I did not have to have the memorial, but because we did it was nice. There was a lot of people there for you and it was overwhelming. I am very touched by the support and very grateful. I love you baby boy"
DAY 18 "Max Im angry I cant help thinking something went wrong, and you should be here. But I hate feeling this way"
DAY 19 " Max last night was hard, I ran out of sleeping pills and had weird dreams.  Im agitated today and feel on the edge. Someone who was pregnant with me had there baby today. I feel so jealous. I am happy for her, the baby is so cute, but it makes me feel so bad. Max I hate these feelings. I need help to not be so jealous and angry. Its not who I am, I feel so depressed. Something is missing from me that I will never get back. "
DAY 20 " Today is your dads birthday and our anniversary. "
"Max Im going to try and have a good day. I love you and Shane"
DAY 21 "Three weeks baby boy"
"Maybe I will call a counselor today."
"Max I hope al the toads are from you. Ever since I saw the one hop into your room, I see toads all the time. They make me think happy thoughts. They remind me of you. "
DAY 23 "Max I miss you so much, I cant get my brain around what could of happened to you.I feel like you should be here, even though nothing will bring you back.
"Max Caseys cancer is getting worse, Laura's mother is getting sicker. Max I miss you but I feel so bad for them. I dont know how to pray, I only know how to wish for them. I don't want anyone else to die and feel pain. I dont know why things have to be so bad for such good people"
"I love writing to you baby boy, I hope you can listen I hope your ok. Goodnight baby boy."
DAY 24 "Max today is that little girls funeral. Maybe you will get to meet her."
"Max Im bored today, if I had you I would not be bored. When pregnant and bored I prepared for you. I have nothing to do now. Max I miss you but im trying not to feel so bad. I was lucky to have you in my life, luckier then a lot of people. "
"Max I hope that one day I will get to feel your sibling inside of me, I hope I am lucky again.
"Max I had a hard time tonight, thank you for showing me the toads. The shiny one was real neat. "
"Max I talked to your dad tonight about what happened to you. Sometimes I blame the doctors, and I needed to talk about that I guess. It just does not make sense to me. I don't understand what happened to you. The thing that haunts me is that you came out perfect, Im lucky I got to kiss your cheek, but maybe those seconds could have been what saved your life. MaxI feel guilty for everything."
DAY 26 " Max I wonder if I had treated people better would I still have you. What about all those spiders I killed. MaxI feel like a horrible person. Things keep going wrong. A friends brother in law past away, and Nala is real sick, my poor mom. "
"Max on my walks I see some cool nature things. Are they a sign of you, or am I just looking for a sign. Did I not notice these things before, or did they mean nothing to me. I wonder if my grandmother and aunt are with you."
DAY 27 " Max Nala died today. I hope you get to play with her. We went and saw Dr.Munabi to see what our options are to giving you a sibling. It may be quicker to try again then I thought it would be. Im worried though. I feel like you were my one and only chance. "
"Max I just wanted to write and tell you I love you before I go to sleep"
"I took the pac and play down, and I feel guilty. Our room looks so big and empty"
DAY 28 "Max baby today is a month since you have been gone"
"Max thank you for everything. I had a good day, I know you were with me, and I love you my baby boy"
DAY 29 "Max im going to a support group tonight im real nervous"
"Max thank you for the toad tonight, also I think thats you in the sun rays. "
DAY 30 "I feel crabby today, I miss you baby boy.  I feel sad today. "
" Max I dont know if I can handle this. Max im not sure how im supposed to feel. Max baby I dont know if I can handle being in the public with happy pregnant people and babies. What is wrong with me."
"Max im having a hard day. We got another sympathy card. Strangely it made me feel good. Not because we got one but because 30 days later you have not been forgotten. People have not forgot you. I will never forget you, or replace you. I was/still am so lucky to have you in my belly. "
"Max I did not see your toad. Im in a funk big time today"
"MaxI have friends. I just wish I had some closer and they would come see me. I do feel like I need people to talk to"
DAY 31 "Max Im having a really bad day. I dont know why I get like this. I miss you and feel so lost. Tonight I went out to dinner with my mom. I hated every bit of it. I did not want to go. I went for them and shane. I feel so mean I just cant seem to fake it anymore"

And now we are at day 33
I went running for the first time today. It felt good even though I am so out of shape. Max today is an ok day. I like that im re-writing what i have all ready written.I feel bad that some people may get offended with how I feel . This is my journey for my Max