Im ready for bed now. I just took them sleeping pills im ready to crawl under the covers and shut off. Max baby i should look up how much melatonin is to much. either way its still better then benadrayl im sure.
Max When I first got your pictures in the mail, they were hard to look at. But it seems like now i look at them all the time. It makes me regret a lot of things. I did not hold you enough. I was to upset you were dead. I kept wanting to give you back. Maybe I wanted them to give you back to me when you woke up. But I wish I held you more. I realized tonight I did not inspect you enough, Im starting to forget things like, how you smelled, I want to feel your hair. Touch your ears. I know i will never forget you, but what if I forget things about you. I think im starting to forget details. Its been almost 12 weeks and i all ready feel like im forgetting things about you. Im so grateful for those pictures. I just wish I could climb into them, and be with you. I love the way you look, even after you died. You look dead in your face, but i Still love everything, and could stare at you pictures all day.
I spent a lot of time today, looking at your hands. I kind of want to take the picture to a palm reader. I wonder what your little lines would say. I wonder if your hands would look like your dads (he has perfect man hands). Would your hand fit perfectly into ours. Its amazing how strongly I miss you. I cant seem to make it stop. This crying over things is draining me. Max i look at you in awe, I get peacefully and inspect all my pictures looking for something I missed about you, learn a new feature. Then that goes away and it turns into tears. Not just you Max, but everything about babies is beautiful. All there perfect little features. Science is amazing how all babys, have these traits that make people/animals want to take care of them and go awe! People are so attracted to baby features, its almost an innate thing, its survival. Babys where pretty much made for someone to want to protect them, so they can survive. Well if thats a natural psychological reaction in repose to a baby mammal, If we were made this way and science can explain it. Then how come there is nothing in us for how to handle when your own baby dies. If we are designed to be attracted to babies, how do you turn that off so that you can survive. Maybe if once your baby died, your brain made you completely un-attracted to small cute things, or your hormones changed to not caring. Maybe the baby would all of a sudden no longer still look perfect. Science is amazing, but why cant they fix this feeling. Max i am so in love with you. but i cant get you back. I saw a show on animal planet. Planet earth i think, well there was a big cat (forget what kind) its baby disappeared and she was seen calling and calling her baby. She did this night after night and they showed her continuing to look for her baby and call out. It was heartbreaking, her baby was not coming home either. I felt so much for this mama cat, my heart ached for her, her cub and you. They should her in such distress going to high points to look out for the little cub. A big fearless wild animal crying for her baby to come back but her baby was dead.
Max believe it or not im doing ok, i guess. Went for another run ( a shorter one, it was with your dad) ate a sort of unhealthy dinner together, before he started work. Im ok, I think, im just really missing you. I miss your toads also. I feel so empty, so im going to go to bed soon.
Goodnight my little love.
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