Week 13

Max Im feeling kind of sad all of a sudden. I feel low. Feel on edge of tears. Not sure why. Just lots of little reminders of you. Not ones that would make me happy for you. Max there was a friends baby born the night before you were born, well he is 3 months and he is beautiful. Every time I see him I think that should be where you are. What your doing. I feel like 3 months is a big mark for babies. Max I really should stop torturing myself. Its just that I was checking messages on facebook, and then started looking at pictures.
MAx I really want to puke, I ate awful food, and I know its the only thing thats going to make me feel better. The only thing! Its amazing what it does to me head. If I could bottle that feeling in a drug it would be much easier. But I promised you I would never do it again. So far baby, I have kept my promise. Im so scared that Im going to break that promise on day soon and go back to puking. Maybe I would feel better. I took the BC pill and vitamins on purpose so that I would not give in.
I should go for a run, but im kind of in a funk. I want to be a lazy fat bum, and be extra lazy.
Max tomorrow is going to be a long stressful day, but Im going to try and take it one moment at a time. I go in early so that I can go to a doctors appointment mid-morning, and not use time. (I will not submit Overtime for the morning) Then right from the doctors appointment I have to go back to the range. I have to try and qualify for the second time. I then have to go back to work and this time actually do car seats. There is no getting out of it tomorrow. I think there is only one infant seat, so thats some positive I guess. tomorrow is actually the 3 month date (not last tuesdays 12 weeks) Its just a date though right. The day is going to be what it is. Maybe it will be a good. who knows. I cant worry about what has not happened yet right!

Max I know its early but im saying goodnight. I really just want to go to sleep. Then I think I sat all day at work, im sitting now, and then Im going to lay in bed all night. Im not burning any calories and this is not healthy. But then is staying awake is pointless , when all I want to do is hide under the covers and really, really just sleep. I want to wake up to something better then this.
So baby this is goodnight. Maybe I will get it together, and go for a run. Maybe I will be fat and lazy. Maybe I just dont care much.
Max my day was slow and real long but ok. I actually laughed a bit at work. Its real fascinating how my day can overall be ok, and work be getting easier but yet I still feel so defeated.  I sort of talked about you today in front of two male co-workers. Well not really, but talked about the loss of you and how no one can understand unless sadly they have been through this. We were talking about therapist in general. I was ok talking about that. But Max I did not say your name to them. I just said my baby. You are my baby, will always be my baby, but I should have said your name. Dont be mad at me. That was the most I said about the subject in conversation at work yet to male co workers. ( I have talked to about 2 people about other things)

Max in one moment something can trigger my longing for you, and I get pushed on my butt. I love you so much my little angel.  Max If I dont talk to you again tonight its because I went to sleep.
I love you.