hey my love, so I have a lot to tell you. This evening was really hard, but ok at the same time. Your dad and I went to the mall together. Other then running to the local store and picking up food this is only the second thing we have done something together, that was planned outside of the house since you died. I really wanted to find an ornament for you and I wanted your daddy to be a part of it. Well being at the mall with him was really hard, but I dont have to pretend when I with him. We only went into 4 stores. One was sears, because its how we came into the mall, one was Hallmark, Macys, and things remembered. That was all I could handle. We were there for a very specific reason-you. We also needed to find a gift together for someone. While in hallmark your dad picked out a "baby's first christmas" ornament. I dont really like it, but I dont like any of them. Like I said before nothing seems good enough. But your dad really liked it and we can put your picture in it. Well in the Hallmark store there was a big collection of those Willow tree angels and figurines. I really like them, but there were so many that made me sad, Your daddy was so helpful to me. I know he was sad as well. There was a memory box, that is perfect, except it is so small. I want another box other then the one from the hospital. But this one was to small. Max It took a lot to hold back tears. Your dad is amazing, he just held my hand and we continued to look. We talked a lot about you as well, while walking around. We then went into Macys and there was this little christmas ball with your name on it. Right now its hanging on the Tv stand doors. Your ornaments are going to be the only decoration this year. We then went into the Things remembered store because I wanted to show your dad two possible ornaments I saw online. When we were in there a store associate asked what we were looking for and how he can help. I said politely that we were just looking. I dont think this young college kid wanted to hear that I was looking for something perfect for my baby, that has died. Anyway your dad liked them both and we chose one. Its a tree of life ornament that opens up and you can put a picture on the inside and inscribe it. We decided I was going to get it online, because I did not want them to know what I was going to write to you. We then looked at snow globes, they were so pretty Max. I want to have you in a snow globe and wish I was there with you forever. But again none of them seemed good enough for you. But they were SO beautiful. There was one that had the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer on there. Thats special to your dad and I. We put that prayer on the back of your memorial cards. Again this was hard. I just stood there and stared.
On the way home I started to cry. I asked your dad if I can get you something every year. Also if it was ok if 5 years from now when I see things with your name, would it be ok for me to buy them. He said yes. I could not help crying. Your daddy said you will always be our baby, and we can still get things for you. When we got home I went into your room. I love being in there. I put the one ornament in there because I need to print out more pictures, to put in it. I was just starring at you. Your dad came in and his eyes filled up. He started to cry a little. Because your dad is so strong for me, I forget how hard it is for him also. Max baby he loves you so much. In your room he said he was sorry this had to happen to you.
I told your dad we need to put shelves in the living room so we can display some of your things. things that dont need to stay in your room. We have wanted to put shelves in since we moved in almost two years ago. But your dad agrees. I want your music box and the pictures your alive in, out here with everyone. (I still need to find the right frames for the other ones) I want you all through out the house. I want you to be with the rest of the family, with company. We will get those shelves.
Max i told your dad how hard it was to be there at the mall, but at the same time so comforting looking for things for you. It makes me sad, but at the same ok. (I know that makes very little sense) Its nice being with your dad, he gets it. There is no pretending. No being strong, no faking. It is what it is. I can also hold his hand. Holding your dads hand is one of the most comforting things I have ever felt. So hand and hand we walked. Your dad is my christpher robin
(side note, Max I loved Winnie the Pooh. I have the biggest collection ever and I was so excited to share it with you. Your dad was going to share his collection of curious George books)
Tonight was a lot for your dad. He is snoring sound asleep on the couch.
I hope you know how much I love you. (How much your daddy loves you)
Max below are some pictures. One is the ornament with your name, the other is of the sky today. I like to think your up there in the sky. Maybe you were finger painting!
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