Love you. Day 90

Good morning. Baby boy im feeling ok so far today. But it is just 7am. I would really hope that im not at the end of my ropes at 7am. Today is going to be really slow though at work. Last week was crazy busy, we only have a fraction of the amount of inmates today that we did last week. I hope things go fast. Im here early but I think im going to be here all day. I should really get used to a normal in and out time. Or else when ever Im back to a normal its going to be a rude awaking. Even though your daddy tells me all the time flooding my work best. Just flood myself with everything Im scared of.
Max I really did not want to get out of bed today. I really wanted to call out and stay home. I have no time though, I can’t just call out. This week is a full week so it is going to seem so long, coming of a 3 day week last week. Next week will be short again.
Max tomorrow will be the day they took my eggs out of me and started to fertilize them. Saturday will be the day they put you in me. It’s really kind of neat that I know the exact time you were conceived. Not everyone can say that. It is really fascinating how they could take my egg and your daddy’s sperm and create you. You were this tiny micro blastasyst that turned into a 6lb14oz baby. Science is so fascinating but yet not good enough where they could not keep you alive or notice that you were not getting what you needed. So amazing and inadequate all at the same time. Oh well. Nothing is flawless.

Max I had weird dreams again. I was at a consignment sale. The same kind were I got a lot of things for you. But I went to this sale for you, but when I got there I remembered that you were dead and that I can’t get anything for you. So I was sent outside and there where these dark dead trees. There where these stacks of shoes that turned. They were all like ballet type shoes. I had to find a pair. I don’t know why but I did. The small sizes had matching pairs but any size near mine had no matching pairs. If they looked like they did. They were to lefts or two rights. Max I was so stressed because I was told that I have to have a matching pair. Then there was this big tree, it was not dead. The only one that was alive. At first I thought there was a big toad in it (the one like your bank) I turned to the person that was there, when I turned back around to see the toad it was a turtle and I was so upset. It was like a cruel joke and the person that was in the dream, knew about it (I don’t know who the person was) the dream made me upset. I was not allowed in the consignment area for you, then I was sent to the dark woods and had to find a pair of shoes. Max I looked at looked but nothing would match. It was dark, and I wanted to get out of it, so that I could go somewhere brighter so I could see you.

Max I really need to pay some bills today. Before they go to collection or get bigger. I just forget, it’s the least of my things to do. It seems like each day the only thing I need to do is to get through the day.

Max I love you. I love you more then I can ever begin to express. I hope you’re having a good day up in heaven today.