Hi baby. So far today has been a little better then last night. I decided to go to one store because I knew what I was going to get and where I was going to get it. I went and bought six baby hand and foot molding kits. I decided that Im going to give them to the hospital. I am so lucky with what I have, but max I love looking at your perfect hands and feet. I wish so much I had a mold of them. When I was in the hospital someone suggested to us that if we wanted we could have someone go get a kit to mold your hands and feet. I think with all the chaos of your dying and being in the hospital that never happened. I decided to get some to give to the hospital when a baby dies. Max when you died I did not think about what I would want in the future. I have been trying to think of what I can do. Everyone at the hospital was so nice to me and what I do have to remember you by was because of there thoughtfulness. I think Im going to give them some of the blankets that were given to you at the baby shower and these kits. I did not know how many to buy, because I dont want any babies to have to die and there mom's to receive them. I know it might be weird, I just love your hands and feet. Love seeing them. I just wish maybe I could touch them again. If other moms are anything like me they most likely will want to touch there baby's hand impressions also. Its going to be from you Max.
Other then that, its about all I did. I have eaten so much today. I just seem to be so hungry and want to eat and eat. A friend I have not seen in a long while came over tonight. She is here now. Maybe im being rude for typing but i miss you and I don't think she will mind. We watched a bunch of mindless tv, went to wawa. I dont think she will mind that Im typing. Well i hope not.
Max I did sit out in the sun today like I said I would. I love the sun. It was so nice. I felt ok outside. I went for two walks. I did not go to the gym, because I went yesterday, and my legs are super sore.
Max when I left the craft store after getting the molding kits, I did start to cry a lot on the way home but it was ok.
Max my friend just left. Im really tired but my mind is busy again. I decided I need to stop taking things to help me sleep. So the sleep may get worse. But im getting a bit to comfortable with the drugged feeling. I guess its because what helps me shut of.
Max when I was sitting in the sun I looked up things with your name. Do you know there are a bunch of books with your name in there. There are even a bunch of toys. There is a book series called Max and Ruby. I never knew how many things your name is in. I love your name. No matter where it is, just seeing it is nice. Max I really need to frame your pictures. I just cant find frames that I like enough. I still cant find the right first ornament for you. I feel like nothing is good enough for you. Max baby I used to be really creative and really good at making things. I feel like I could do something better then everything I see, but at the same time I have lost my desire to create. I cant even drawl simple things anymore. I did everything for our wedding and your baby shower. Every year I have painted plates and dumb things that my mom likes. I used to be able to create anything. I have a busy active mind and was good at making things up. looking at a bunch of ideas and combining them into something. I have nothing like that anymore. But I cant find anything I like for you, and I cant seem to do anything better. But I know that I do what a first ornament for you, I just want it customized for you.
Max I wish this would just end. I wish that life was normal again. Oh well.
Oh when I was in the craft store I was walking around looking at everything with toads on it. That was kind of peacful. Just looking at everything thinking of what I could do. I had nothing, but still I like looking at toad buttons, stickers, patches. Its was nice, I was thinking of you with out the need to cry. But I guess thats good because crying in the craft store would be strange for those around me!
Over all my day was ok. I cant be down about that. I just miss you so much. I wish I was not so miserable, sad and angry. Then there is the guilt and fear on top of it all.
Someday ill be better. November is almost over. Then just one more month till January. I dont know whats going to happen when January hits, but its my month to get to. I will re-access my goal date when I get there.
I should go lay in bed and attempt not to take any benadryl. Im done with the melatonin (ill tell you why tomorrow). You dad is working tonight. Normal he is off fridays, but he is getting holiday pay today. So I guess thats ok. Its not like we have wild Friday plans anyway.
I love you, thanks for the semi peaceful day.
No comments:
Post a Comment