Making sense.

Max baby I sure miss you. I went for a run. It was not my best, but it was better then nothing. It was actually short and hard. The night weather was nice though. There is kind of a spooky breeze. Its a warm night. A lot warmer then its been. I was hoping because of that there would be a toad some where. I was looking for one Max. I could not see any. Max My day was overall ok. I have nothing to complain about. My life is good. I just really hate not having you here. Oh well right. I really need to learn to let go.
Max a friend told me that she is trying to make sense of something in her life. I told her thats going to happen for a while. I told her that Im still trying to make sense of why your not around. I feel bad for not giving good advise. But Max I hate when people tell me false hope, or try and sugar coat things. Life is hard, its not fair, I will always be trying to make sense of life. Maybe Max if I could make sense of this all. Maybe if someone told me its because I stole something as a kid, or because I was rude at one point, Maybe if someone told me the exact cause. Not the reason why you died, but the reason. WHY you.... Why the placenta stopped. Why your daddy has to suffer. Making sense of things is hard.  Max I hate when people try to make things sound better, nothing is better. nothing will make losing you ok. Maybe someday I will deal better. Except things. Not sure really. I want to.
Max im missing you. i really hope I dont have any more weird dreams. I miss you so much when Im awake, a break at night would be nice.

Max my day was ok. Its strange how I can have an ok day, and still feel so empty. But the the overall picture today was not bad. Im just not right. BUT today was a better day, then yesterday. I did not want to face the day. I wanted to stay in bed.

Max Im going to take a shower, take some pills and hope to get so restful sleep.
I love you my little love.