Hey my love im slowly coming to a calmer state tonight. Im still strangely agitated. Im better though. We finished cleaning. Your dad still has some dishes, and I need to finish the laundry. But everything else is done. We went to the gym, and then to the store together. Even though im slowly feeling a little better, im still so agitated.
Max that thing I was worried about, with my mouth getting me in trouble again. Well I over reacted. Well I did not overreact, I just did not need to worry that I said the wrong thing. Its my own problem baby boy. I always feel bad for things, that i'm a bother. You dont need to hear about it, everything is fine and I was overly worried. But I'm a worrier.
Max when we were cleaning your daddies office and moving it to the basement, I saw all your baby shower decorations that we saved. I saw some "it's a boy" ribbon, and the chap-stick favors that have your name on it that my mom bought. It made me so sad and even more agitated. Then I saw the pregnancy/newborn and pregnancy fitness magazines that i bought. I threw them away today. those made me really mad. I wish I never bought them. Max I feel like I was SO prepared for you. I had every detail thought out, I had made plans for our plans. I had everything so thought out. I never should have been prepared. I never should have done anything until you where here. Max If I should be lucky enough to have another baby, im sure im going to be awful. I will be so happy, but Im not buying anything, not celebrating, I dont even know If I will name the baby or find out the sex. Nothing! Maybe some will think im a bad mom, and unattached. But Max I look at it two ways. One you dying has been the hardest thing ever, I dont want to get attached again until your sibling is here. I also fear so much that if your sibling dies, and I grew just as attached as I did to you, that somehow that will make you less important. I think that may seem weird. I just dont want anymore dead babies. I want alive ones. I want to keep you as amazingly special as you are. I dont want you to have to share that. Max I dont want anymore dead babies. I cant handle it, I honestly think if I become so in love like I am with you, and that baby dies. I think im done. I think then I will crawl into a hole and not come out. Max baby I cant do it. I feel like I will be writing to you forever, and thats ok. I dont want to be writing to someone else. Maybe im being selfish. I just dont want to have to share my love with someone else. I cant have you back, as hard as that is to deal with everyday. I need you to stay in the special place with me, and then someday soon have a baby that stays alive. If we have a sibling that stays alive, then they will have there place and you will always have yours.
Max baby I need to go fold some clothes.
Talking to you tonight has made me feel better. I am getting sleepy. Our friend will be here in about another 1.5 hours. Im pretty sure we will still be awake. I know Beanz will be so excited to see his dog friend. ha ha he is going to be so hyper.
Max baby I am so so sorry for being so angry today. I was just on edge, like I wanted to punch something. Your wonderful daddy and I wrestled this afternoon on our cleaning break. That helped me. (not for real fighting) We wrestle for fun sometimes. Of course i would win, but I cant use all my strength or else I would hurt him. He has these silly rules. I cant use a cupped hand and pound his ears. I cant use pressure points, I cant kick his private area. So baby he does not leave much for me. Just know that I would win, if we where wrestling for real :)
Max baby thanks for being so amazing, and letting me talk to you. I promise if you were with me I would not be as neurotic as I sound. I promise im not that bad. My life is so out of control now, nothing is right. I miss you so much, that somedays I cant stop thinking. Im so amazed at how much love and how attached I am to you. You were this amazing growing machine in my belly. I loved everything about it. I love you.
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