Hey baby boy I know its later then I normally right to you. But I wanted to wait and see how I become. So far today is going well. I seem to tell you when I feel awful. Well today Im feeling ok. Its really nice outside. The sun is bright and even though I did not get out of bed until 930, It would have been 1030 yesterday. So thats a good thing.
So far I have played with the dog, in the process of washing clothes (including the sheets), I have cleaned the living room and straighted up the bathroom. I dusted your bedroom and picked up all the water bottles and empty the trash in the bedroom. Now it sounds productive, but I have been working on all this since 10:30 and its now 1pm. It takes me forever to get things done because I get so distracted and then bored. Im Good at knowing what I need to do, just not good at getting it done. Today would have been a good day to take an ADD pill. I just dont want to, im trying not to need them. I went 10 months not taking them and did fine. But I was also able to blame being a scatter brain on being pregnant. The one time I put the milk in the cabinet and my keys in the fridge. Well I blamed it on baby brain. I know how to be organized I just cant follow through. Im great at making list, I just lose them or dont follow them. I could organize any one-thanks to my mother. Just not myself. Max it just takes me a really long time to do things, I start something, then get an idea and start something else. Then that turns into another thing and soon I have started a bunch of things that stay half finished. Max I was hoping that being your mom would change that for me. ha ha ha Max I was attempting to clean my bedroom that turned into seeing if my uniform fits (its getting close, but it wont with the vest and undershirt) and then that turned into seeing the home doppler I listened to your heart with, which turned into a distraction, which then led me to looking at a running magazine I found, then I started to look for change in the bedroom, which in turn lead me to deciding to take a break and write to you. I wanted to only tell you good things today. Nothing bad.
Max I had weird dreams again, but not bad. I had a dream that I was in heaven. I dont know if you where there but there, but there was a boy. (not a baby) I was working but we where in the clouds. I went cloud surfing with a boy, we jumped out the window and went floating on the clouds. We were on our bellies. Is that what you do on a cloudy day up in the sky. At one point in the dream it was night time and the stars where amazing, they were the brightest things I had ever seen. I opened a window and they were right there floating around me. Max it was a dream I wanted to stay in.
Max also I have been smelling a weird smell a lot. Your dad does not smell it. Its been for a couple months now. I dont think its you, but its strange. It smells like wet modeling clay. Its a neat smell, I like it. We dont have clay like dirt outside, and I dont use clay. But it makes me think of you. There is a baby lotion you were given as a gift and after you died I felt the need to use your baby lotion. Even though you never got to smell like a baby does, it made me want to use it to smell a baby. This was a lotion made by Burt's bee's and this smell I smell outside at times is similar. Max I dont use that lotion anymore, no one does, and the smell comes outside. Just something strange I wanted to tell you about.
Max I thought the other day, and told someone who was missing her baby that you and the others had no choice. you could not decide if you could live or die. BUT I CAN. I can choose. I dont mean I would end my life. I just mean I can chose to live my life. It does not make anything easier and some days I cant be positive no matter how I try. BUT I will live my life, for you. You are to important to give up on.
Im feeling positive today. Im actually really, really missing you and I even cried today.BUT im keeping my head up today. (well so far today)
I should go back to slowly being productive around our house. Max so far I found a bunch of lose change. We have a bucket of change, but your dad said that would be cheating. He said we can still use it, I just cant put it in the toad bank.
Max I hope your smiling today. Its going to be 3 months this Tuesday ( I actually have off the day, for Election day. So thats helpful)
Love you my little sunshine.
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