Good morning my little love. Today is 3 months since you were born and died. 3 MONTHS! Sometimes I wonder how I got this far with out you, and I also wonder how I will continue to go on with out you in my life. Its crazy how other deaths I have faced, never hit me this hard. When my grandmom died, that was hard, she was the one person I felt so much unconditional love and safety from on my dads side of the family. Im starting to get to know them all now thought and thats been nice. Some came to your service, who I have not seen since my grandmoms funeral. When my aunt died I was young and had other problems at the time. A friend that died a few years ago was hard, because friends can die, and life is short. She was a big part of my growing up. But my life went on. When I broke up with your daddy in 2006 that was huge loss. Even though I broke up with him, I felt like my world was shattering. I was a mess. But I guess I knew we where made for each other, and that we were bound to get back together. Maybe thats why I fought so hard, or maybe thats why it hurt so bad. Yes I was the one to give back the ring and break everything off. and yes we are so much better today for it but that shook me hard. BUT Max your dying, i was not ready, not ready at all. That was the happiest, scariest and worst day of my life. That day 3 months ago. Max I have told you before the things I have been through. Its just you get used to them, it becomes your life. Each day you learn to cope more and more. you learn to figure things out and survive. Max Im still trying to figure out life with out you. I guess I managed 3 months right, so I have no choice but to keep managing.
Max I went to bed SO early last night. It was for the best. I knew I was not doing well. I was in bed by 830 and asleep sometime before 9. I woke up wide awake around 12:30-1am. But then feel back asleep. As much as I was in bed I did not sleep well. I woke up a lot. Not as much as some nights. I think mostly because I went to sleep so early and the drugs where waring off. Its 9:10 now and Im writing to you outside in the sun. Its a beautiful day. I'm so glad I dont have to be a work today. Beanz is chewing the grass and sticks while I type to you. Max temperature wise this is one of the nicest days in a while. I may even take my sweatshirt off. The doctor did say my vitamin D was low, so maybe this will help.
I just received an email from my angel mommy friend in Germany. Max I wish I was well traveled. Being in Germany as a baby does not count, plus is was on a US army base. I only remember mountains and a girl my mom babysat who peed the bed. I also remember her talking about burger king. Not that much different from here. I went to London in college for a week, everything is so old and amazing. The castles where beautiful and creepy. Max if you were here you would know I love old things, old structures. The reason I chose Beaver college was because of the castle and the idea of it being haunted. Not the best reason to chose your college, but in the end it was the best choice. I went to the Dominican Republic for a week, but I was on a resort so you dont see the culture. For our honey moon we went to Mexico, we did go off the resort and some of the things I saw were so old and amazing. Max we went to the Mayan ruins, they where amazing! Im lost for words about how the ruins where. Max do you know Im part Mayan/Aztec on the Mexican side and then there is the Italian side. Max I am 50/50. Growing up I hated being part Mexican, it was like it was a bad thing. Even though Im getting back in touch with that side of the family now. The one thing I have learned is they are very much for family. I guess growing up we where the outsiders. My mom and dad divorced so we never saw them. i never felt like they wanted to know us, Just my grandmom and one aunt. When a lot showed up for you, that was touching. Max do you know my dad has been texting me every Sunday. He does not know this is here, but i wish he knew how much that means to me. Its crazy how I want nothing to do with my mom and sisters who have been there my whole life, but I need my dad who was never around. WEIRD! I wish I had learned to speak spanish as a kid, but when we went to visit my grandmom, she would use us for english. I could always understand her spanish though. Just hers really. The one thing im fluent in is "give me a kiss" is "Dame un beso" I will always have that in my head. Other words as well . But thats the one I love the most. Your daddy is mix of things also, his dad is adopted so they are not sure what he is. But he is pale white, with blue eyes and blond hair. His mom is German/American dutch I think. The funny thing is your Daddy looks like he has some ethnic genes in him also.He can get as dark as me and has super awesome curly hair. I really wish I could have watched you grow and see what you would look like.
Sorry that was a long tangent!
I miss you so much, I want to have a good day. I dont want to be so miserable on the three month mark. I want to be happy I go to have you grow so long in me. Happy I got to hear you cry. Happy I got to kiss your perfect cheek. Happy I got to keep my life. Its hard though baby. I know I cant change the past, I know I cant keep looking for answers. It is what it is. Somedays I can have more of a positive out look (or some moments) Other days it takes everything I have to tell myself I will be ok. Each day somethings get easier and other things get harder. I think its ok that I went to bed so early yesterday.. I also think its ok that im sitting outside and enjoying the sun. I think today will be a long run day.
Max I also think today may be a day I write to you a lot. I wonder if you hear my thoughts, or if someone reads them to you. I assume that as they go from my head to my fingertips they get to you. For some reason unless I write I cant seem to stop thinking. I cant explain or acknowledge how I feel unless im writing. I never was a good speaker, im not articulate when it comes out of my mouth. It just sounds like word vomit, or im overly honest to others and it sounds like im a rude mean person. things never come out like they are meant. Thats why I like to write. Max I hope you dont care about all the grammar and spelling. Growing up and in school I would always get in trouble for writing how I speak. Well this time I dont think thats a problem. My fingertips are doing my speaking.
Max im going to return some emails and take Beanz for a walk. I love you SO much my little love. Im sure i will be writing to you a lot today.
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