I did not loss you. I know your not here. (Day 80)

Max as much as I wanted to go to bed real early, I even ended up taking some Benadryl. For some reason I could not fall asleep. I hate when the drugs dont work! I only had coffee in the morning and my run was early. There was no reason why I should have been so wired with 9mgs of melatonin and Benadryl.  I even woke up so much last night. The only time I seemed sleepy was when it actually was time for me to get out of bed!
So I was thinking why do people say there "sorry for my loss". It’s crazy because I say it also. I say a lot of the same things I don’t like. Or its not that I don’t like it, it just makes me think, more then I all ready do.  The thing is there are not many other words to fill in. People don’t want to say Sorry about the death, or sorry your child died. I guess loss, does sound softer but I may be missing you but I did not lose you. I lost a really important ring like 6 years ok, two of them. My college ring, that my mom bought me and a ring that an uncle (not blood related) gave to me mom, who gave to me. Those 2 rings meant a lot to me, and I was foolish and lost them. I looked hard, even bought a metal detector. I never found them, but there somewhere. Max with my ADD brain I lose things a lot, or misplace them, and forget things. But no matter how hard I search im not going to find you. You’re not lost somewhere. You’re not coming back. I understand why people say "loss" I guess maybe I’m losing out, or I’am with out someone. BUT if only you were just misplaced, there would be that hope of finding you. Yes it would make me a bad mom, if I did lose you, but you would still be here. I would be ok if people thought I was a bad mom for a little while if it meant having you back.
Same thing with oh "you can try again" Well yes I think I have used those words, I know I talked to you about this before. You were not a failure; you were not a problem that I need to work on. I could never try again to have another you. There is only one you! I will try to have another child. That other child will be your sibling. You may be dead, but you’re still my oldest, and not something I need to try again at.
"Everything happens for a reason" yes maybe that’s true and sure I was one of those people who has said that and believes that. I just don’t know if I believe it anymore. What possibly could be the reason you had to die? Max I hate not being able to figure things out. I mean maybe things do happen for a reason, ill just never know. Its proven that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If Newton can prove that things happen for a reason then I should believe it right!  Well what is the reason?

Max im glad it is Friday. After I get through this day, the week is over. Another one I got through. Next week the county is closed Tuesday and Friday, so it will be an easier week. Max I love you little boy. I hope your doing ok where you are, I hope your happy. I hope you know how much I love and miss you.

By the way its been 80 days since you died.