Max "hi" little boy. I am so tired and emotionally tired. Max our friends left. We all went out to breakfast this morning. It was good. nothing was wrong with it, but at the same time I feel like nothing is ever good anymore. Max the visit was good, there is no complaining with that. Im just very emotionally drained.
Max last night was so hard for me. I dont know what happened. Today im tired so very tired. Max I really miss you. My eyes hurt, my brain hurts, my heart hurts.
Last night when your daddy and I talked I told him how I cant have you dying being the last baby. I told him that I cant share you with another dead baby. I told him that the only thing that gives me hope is the idea of giving you a sibling. I told him that im so scared its going to happen again. I told your daddy that if our next baby dies that he dies early. Max I got so attached to you. I loved you so much. Your daddy said maybe I need to wait even longer then our plan. Max I told him no. I told him that I dont think its going to work. Im going to be 31 yrs next month. The longer I wait, the older I get. Max I told your daddy about how when I was a kid, I always said I never wanted kids. Even though Max baby I did. I always wanted them. Why did I say to others that I was not having any. Your dad asked me if my life is going to have no meaning if I dont. I said I dont, know. But I think its a yes.
I dont think he can understand how empty I am with out you. How different I am, how much I hate just being here. Dont get me wrong baby, I like being a live, but I seem to hate living all at the same time.
I feel disabled and like im learning to walk again. Its so hard pretending that everything is ok. Being so upset is also draining.
Max before you died i was not this way. You would have not been around a sad mommy. I am normally a happy person. I have energy and I love life.
Max this would have been a great weekend, but you should have been here. I underestimated how emotional I am and how sad i really am. Max baby last night was awful and I lost it. One of my biggest breakdowns yet. It was so unexpected for me as well. Its weird because I know im sad, but its like even I did not know how sad and broken I am.
Im so sorry I am this way baby boy. I love you so much.
I ate so much this weekend. I think I put on 10 pounds of the weight I have lost. Im drained so I cant work out yet. Max baby I think im going to take a nap. Missing you sure makes me tired.
Max baby I really hope your happy. I wonder what its like for a baby on the inside of a belly. Do you feel the same connection to me as I did to you.
I asked you dad last night if your losing oxygen, and basically suffocating hurt. If you could feel it. Your daddy told me that it would have been like passing out. Max I pass out a lot, I hope thats all it was for you. I have been wondering a lot lately if you were in pain. I hope you just closed your eyes and went to heaven.Max baby my friend said to me today that she is sorry that you are not here. (something like that) well baby so am I. Its not a sorry though, its more of a pain/hurt that I cant describe.
Im going to lay with your daddy. I love you baby boy.
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