Hey love, im feeling sad. Tired and sad. I feel slightly bad, but not overly, because im laying on the couch. But luckily with these people its ok. Now that the other friend is here the two can catch up, so it works well. I can sit on the couch and type away. Beanz is super tired and curled up next to me. Max I feel bad because the one friend made food and brought it with her. But me and my pickiness everything she brought I wont eat. Max I dont eat homemade soup, I dont eat quiche because I got sick once off it. And I dont eat left over pizza. Most people would probably not believe it, but your dad was here to say its true. There are a lot of things that I prefer boxed then homemade. Even though I would eat things from them. The other friend is making cookies in my kitchen, they smell really good though. Max Im strange. I think its worse when im more emotional.
I hate how I get so emotional and drained. Max in general Im not one for much stimulation, but lately im so ok with hiding away. Max do you know that I did not take a shower today. Max Im happy that they are catching up. I feel less like I need to be the entertainment or whatever.
Max I hate how I feel. I miss you so much. Sometimes it so much harder. I feel unnatural. Like I should not be here, I should not be ok with company. I am miserable but i am ok with it. Max I never seem to make any sense . Im so contradicting with everything. I hate how everything seems so wrong even though I want things to be normal. The thing I am realizing though is that I will never be normal again. Even though thats all I want. It will never happen.
Max I hate being miserable. I want to be happy, but I have moments of being ok. So those moments keep me going. You though baby boy keep me motivated. Even though somedays I dont know how.
Max we are going to watch a movie soon, but im so tired. I really did not sleep much. I think I am ready for bed.
I love you baby boy. Thanks for being my little love. Soon I will go to bed and hopeful I will dream of you. (even though that really does not happen) .
I love you. This might be goodnight, my love.
I love you
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