5:00
Hey my little love. I just gave my self the first shot. There is not turning back now. Well I guess there could be! I think because of my extra weight around the mid section I did not feel a thing. Last year I remember it pinching. Not horrible but still i felt it.
Max I wish I could ask you to let this work. But that would not be fair of me. I cant control it. ( I hate not having control over my own self and what will happen to me.)
Max I knew Casey would not be meeting you for a very long time. The tumors in her brain are completely away. She no longer needs the cyber-knife procedure. Now they just need to get rid of all the other cancer. Max you would like her, but not for a long while. I love that something good is happening.
Max Im in a strange mood, im Ok, but feel sad. Overwhelmed with peoples niceness. I received something tonight that I did not expect. I thought that what happened Saturday was the extent of it. Here it was just a part. I thought I was overwhelmed on Saturday, well I cant seem to say what it is Im trying to say. Im just in awe and so very grateful. I guess im in shock that people are so kind to me. I have not done anything to deserve it. Im not one of those people that everyone likes, im not that social. Im not mean or disrespectful, but im not overly friendly ( Max im a bit shy at times baby). I try every day to treat people how I would want to be treated, but nothing extra on a daily basis. Max Im just overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like any thank you I say will not reflect on how I feel . Max there is something amazing about you. Something so special that, others would do this. Max my world has been changed by you and it seems like you affect me more and more everyday.
Max when I went to the gym today I was talking to this stranger. He asked me how often I work out. I said I used to a lot but I had a baby and c-section 3 months ago. I did not care. I just said it. The man then asked if you were my first. I said yes. He said congratulations. I said thank you, and then that you had died after birth. The man very politely said "well they say things happen for a reason, but I dont know who they are" I replied with "yelp thats what they say" We then went back to working out. We even had another conversation, after that one. I was ok with it. After talking to you yesterday, I decided I don’t care. I will say I was pregnant, if the conversation goes that way, and then have no problem saying you died. I think I need to validate that yes I had you, you were real, and you are my baby. I dont care anymore. I have a son, I just cant be with you on this earth. Maybe at the same time its not good for me to be like YELP i had a baby, but he died. People may think im unemotionally attached and off. Oh well.
Max I think im going to stop wearing the diamond studs your daddy bought me for my b-day last year and  get your birthstone. Its the most beautiful shade of green ever. The neat part is, green was never in my color choice. Mainly, blues, reds, and browns.
Max baby my mind is wondering so much tonight.
I really wish you were here, and I hope you are ok with me starting this. I hope your having fun. Its raining here. I wonder if it rains in heaven. I would assume no-unless you want it to.