Good morning my little love. I had a hard night. Mainly with sleeping. It’s the 3rd night with out any sleeping pills.Its been real hard. I have a hard time falling and staying asleep. Well pretty much I did not sleep. At 4am when I was just laying there thinking about a bit of everything then time kept going with out me sleeping. So at 5am I decided just to get up and go to the gym. I’m glad I did. There was no point in laying there any more thinking about things that don’t matter. I knew I was not going to fall asleep and if I did I would have to just get up and most likely feel worse. I had a really good work out but my arms are sore all ready.
I think I was anxious about planning on speaking at roll call. I wanted to tell everyone thank you. But it makes me emotional so I was worried. I also wanted to send out an email to everyone saying thank you, and I was worrying on weather or not I would say the right thing. I brought in donuts and bagels for the department. I know its not much baby, but I wanted to give them something for all there kindness. Most people like donuts and bagels. (I think im the only exception in the law enforcement business). I was just anxious. I worry over silly things way to much. I guess that’s why I like taking something to help me sleep, it shuts my mind down. It’s why the ADD pills help a lot also. It’s amazing how much I stop with the racing mind, ideas, and random thoughts. It even makes me sleep better at night. But I can function with out it. I’m not in school and I can do my job. Sometimes having an active mind helps. I’m always thinking. But also most of that is who I am. I am a day dreamer and a thinker. BUT it sure gets in the way when its time to sleep or focus.
I think a lot about who you would have taken after. Hopefully your dad, he is SO smart and a great student. I was a good student also, but he is just much smarter and an excellent test taker. I was a daydreamer and would doodle and stair out the window, or chew my fingers and pencils, but always well behaved. I was just always bored.
Max I love you, I think the tiredness is kicking in. The good thing is I won’t have to go to the gym tonight.
Max I’m ok today-So far. I’m actually in a decent mood and a bit optimistic. I even had some playful conversations with co-workers this morning. It’s nice, not feeling so angry and emotional. The thing that stinks is that I seem to have little control over how I feel, just how I act as a result of it. I really dislike having no control over when an emotion will hit. But today-right now is ok, so I’m going to take it-be ok with it right now.
I love you. Today, im going to work on what pictures from the NILMDTS photos I want to get printed and put on the walls, as well as what size. I started to look at frames, but then I realized I need to know which ones.
I love you baby boy. I hope you have a good day today. On my way back from the gym I saw the sunrise and it was so pretty. I thought of you and your perfectness.
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