Max I went for a walk with the dog. I was not up for running and the gym was out of the picture, so walking was better then nothing (plus i have been eating a lot). I started talking I guess a little out loud and some to my self. I was thinking a lot about you and of course started to cry. Im real good at crying when Im by myself.
I was thinking about heaven and how easy it would be to die and get to you. But I thought to my self that even though I believe in heaven, what if it is all made up. Im telling myself what I need to make my self feel better. To believe that you are ok. Max I do believe in the afterlife. I cant-not think there is . Its just that everything I have created in my head for you, well if I were to die It would most likely be nothing like that. Also if one is to kill them selves its said you are to go to hell. That cant be true, sometimes its the only option some people have. If people who killed them selves all went to hell that would solve nothing. Most are in so much pain, why would a god but them back in that pain. I dont really understand, who knows what im saying. Im just scared that if I were to die, I would still not get to see you. Your heaven may be so wonderful, I will never get to know it. Max this turned into me trying to pray. I know your not a god, but to me your my angel and a lot closer then I ever will be. So I attempted to pray or wish , either way I sent my thoughts through you. I just asked that some other people in my life can be ok. That I figure out how to be nicer, maybe I was selfish, and undeserving. I know when you pray its not about asking for things. Max i dont want things, never was into things all that much. I just want to know is this the end of me. Will i have a sibling for you. I dont know if I can take much more, I know I cant handle another dead baby. I wish god could come down and just tell me that I wont have kids or that I will have more. Max is it to much to want to raise a child. Am I asking for to much. Or am I being punished for everything wrong I have done. Trust me baby I was not perfect, but I was also not so bad. I did some things i regret and believe me i have said my sorry's. I feel like a bad person, but in reality im not. I do what im told, and I try to be nice always.Max i'll never find answers. I wish I could. I wish I new what my fate was.
I apologize to the gods up there about not going to church in years... but it does not mean I dont believe in something. I dont know why I have to sit in a church to believe. I question everything. Is that my problem? Why did I need to know more and more. Why is one answer never good enough. Why cant I just believe and leave it at that. Max sometimes I feel more connected to this higher being, This bigger then me entity, when Im outside, just you, me and nature.
Well Max sorry I went off and talked more. Im going to prepare to lay in bed now. If you can hear me at all, if you know im down here. Can you still stay with me. Im sending you a kiss. Max if your anything like your daddy I know your going to welcome someone special soon with open arms. You will get a kiss from me and I hope you give one back for her daughter. Death is awful, I know we cant avoid it. I just wish it did not involve such pain for those that are still here.
Love you every moment I breath and Im sure every moment after.
Max on of my top 5 favorite movies is Casper. There is a scene in the end where Casper asks Wendy if he can keep her "Can I keep you" I wish it was so easy I wish I could just ask to have you stay with me. Why does reality have to be so cruel.
Why cant I just let go.......
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