I love you. I miss you.

Merry Christmas love. I miss you.

Max I love you, let me start with that. I'm having a really hard night. I'm missing you so much. I'm feeling really low tonight. Time does not heal or make things better. Plus I feel like I'm doing everything on my own. I'm overwhelmed. Mostly I think I'm just getting sad and depressed. I have to go back to work in a week and leave your sister. I don't want your daddy's mom watching her. She has not been around a newborn in forever. But that's mean of me to deny her when she wants to help us out. I'm afraid she is not going to do what I say. Take care of your sister how I want. I'm always so afraid everyday that she is going to die. What if she does there. What if I can't protect her. What if people watching her don't do enough tummy time, or stimulate her enough. At your daddy's moms house, she can't go on the floor because her rugs smell like pee real bad. And there are dogs everywhere. I'm sure I'm being over critical. But she is not my mom. I would rather my mom. I know how she is with baby's. I trust her.
Max I'm missing you so much. I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I hope Alex does not look back and feel cheated by my lack of excitement in her first Christmas.
Today I thought wow I had a boy. It was like shock all over again that I had you and your not here. Somedays it's so surreal.
My sister from my dad sent us a Christmas card and your name was on it. That really meant a lot to me. I love when your included. I miss you. Tonight's hard. I feel numb and empty.

Max there is so much going on. We baptized Alex yesterday. It was a beautiful day. It's because of you that I got her baptized. Christmas is almost here and it's just not the same. My birthday is tomorrow and I don't feel excited at all.
We had Ryan the guy that took your pictures take family pictures of us. Well we got to see them today and they are amazing. I don't have them in hand yet but I have a copies one i can give you.
Max I miss you so much. The pictures are beautiful and they include all of us. The baptism I thought of you the whole time. Alex's godmother your nicu nurse gave me a bracket with both you and Alex's name. I love seeing your name.

Max have you welcomed all the new children. It's so sad.

Max I miss you....I'm just sad so much all the time.

Max you have 20 new friends. Please welcome them with love, they have seen such horror.

My heart is crying for them and there family's. losing you is the worst pain ever but you were not lost to such tragedy and hate.

Missing you more then ever

Maxi today was hard. I cried out of the blue for you. Yesterday your dad sister and I went to the mall and you were missing. Sometimes it's so much harder. I wonder if holidays will get easier. I feel bad feeling so sad when I'm so lucky to have your sister. No one understands. Your not here I'm missing you and so sad. I put your Christmas tree up today. We got you a new ornament for your tree.

I'm really missing you baby boy.

Miss you

Baby boy I have not talked to you in s while. Or I should say I have to written to you. The holidays are really getting hard for me. I guess I am just assuming it would be easier this year but it is not at all.

Should I be more into Christmas because your sister is here. I'm not. I don't feel like I'm letting her down because she will never remember this. As long as I get a first Christmas photo, it will be I for her future memories

I hate that I don't write you as much. I hope you don't feel like I love you less.
Life is so weird, I grieve so much for you, while trying to be the beset mom possible for Alex.

It's so challenging. Managing motherhood to an alive baby while still living for you.