Hey baby im feeling slow. Kind of low I guess. Im actually not much in the mood to even write to you. I feel bad for writing you when I feel this way. It’s not fair to you. I am sorry for last night and the way I was. Your dad came out and apologized to me, for making me do that. I do think he realized how hard it was going to be for me. I think he though I was just being crabby, until he actually saw how much of an emotional mess I was. I have been telling him I want to skip the holidays this year. Again I don’t think he realized how much I meant it, and how much of a hard time im having with everything. He told me yesterday that I don’t have to go to Thanksgiving if I don’t want to. I love your Dad and I wish I was not so difficult; I used to be so accommodating and easy to please.
Max November is here. I know I have to get through it in order to keep moving. Today is 11 weeks. My long term goal is to just get to January. Right now that’s my rope that I pull against. Keep pulling till January. It’s like if I get there, then I go past this year. 2011 will be over. November is when you were put inside of me. November last year was the greatest month every. Where everything was worth it. Well you still were worth it all; it’s just a different feeling now. November was going to be the month I returned to work, I thought the transition on missing you would be eaiser because the county has lots of days off this Month. I thought going back to work and leaving you home starting Nivember would be a good transition. Well your not here, and I think im missing you even more.
Also to continue with my complaining baby boy, today on this 1st of November, I officially go back to installing car seats. Im on the schedule tonight. We have 3 appointments. I was hoping they would all be convertible seats, so I would not have to see soon to be mommies with there perfect ready to pop bellies (because everyone waits till the last minute) But nope, instead they are all infant seats. Yes I could do it with my eyes closed. I used to love this SO much. I know it’s weird that I like car seats so much, I love learning about them, even more so teaching people. It truly is amazing how much you need to know, and how much the average person does wrong. I know I will give all the facts, because it’s my job and I would never not give safety information it’s just that my excitement for it is lost right now. Max even way before I was pregnant with you I would go to the stores and check out all the new car seats that way I could stay on top of everything. Max other then the Sergeant, Im the one all the other techs go to for help with problems seats, Im the one that did scheduling. I was the advocate for the department. Now Im just here, I hate that I can’t be happy for it anymore. My life is different. I know I have to do it, im just heartbroken I guess. It’s just another big punch in the face. It’s like im in an abusive relationship with life. Inside im a mess, my scars are hidden under my clothes; you would never think there is anything wrong. But I keep getting punched over and over. Well baby one hr at a time. I know I can keep it together at least until I get in my car and drive home.
On a more positive side, a Deputy just brought me delicious warm coffee. It brightened up my day. I told him thank you, offered him money and the silly guy told me the Thank you is enough because he dose not think people appreciate him , and wants to tell people to get it them selves, but he knows that’s not smart! He actually made me truly laugh, not just one of those pretend ha ha's.
Also Case-face with all her chemo and rough patch told me yesterday that I can be angry, and that it’s not fair I have this tragedy. (Well life is not always fair, for her to Max, but you will not be meeting her for a VERY long time) She told me to remember that my rainbow will come. I just have to put up with a lot of rain and thunder first. She is right. I know life must go on, but maybe someday I can go along with it again. There is so much worse I could be dealing with. You dying is the worst thing to me, but I don’t know how I would manage if I had no one, if I was in a third world country, If I was fighting cancer, if my family members were dying all at the same time. I need to be more grateful for what I do have. It’s just so hard when you feel so low, but things could always be worse. Oh im back in the control room again today, so that’s another good thing. I just need to get through the day, get past doing car seats. One hour at a time.
I love you, thanks for being my sunshine on really bad days.
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