Hi my little love. Im going to say goodnight. Im feeling overwhelmed with things. I have tons to do tomorrow, so im just going to go to bed. I took some benadryl with the melatonin tonight. Baby boy a commercial just made me cry-ahhhh.
I was staring at my phone cause your little body is on there. If i use my finger and touch the screen it slides you back and forth or makes you bigger. I was using my fingers to look at all of you again. The way your mouth is, is so cute. I love you little lips. But that facial expression is not because you where just born, its because you were dying, because you had no oxygen.
Max baby I know what its like to not be able to breath, but I have had my whole life to learn how to calm down and relax. I go into calm mode, anxiety and panic makes it worse. It took me years.... You must have been so scared and stressed. I wish it was like me and just asthma. The ironic part is being pregnant with you my asthma seemed to disappear, I dont think I have ever done so well. Just the first 2 months I still needed the inhaler. But then after that I never used it. Here I was breathing just fine, and you where slowly losing your oxygen. Max baby I could have handled it, You should not have had to suffer. With out oxygen there is no life. Max I would trade being able to breathe for you. Im not scared about that, but you baby....Its not fair to you. I hope my love it was not to painful for you. I hope you where able to shut down and drift away, with out fear. I wish I could have kept you inside of me. Max i sure wish a lot of things, unrealistic things.
I hate how the tears come, they do no good. Nothing does any good, nothing will change anything. So I need to stop being such a sad person. Max I try, I try really hard actually, but sometimes even when I try, I cant control it some nights- SO these tears keep coming, and it changes nothing. I still miss and love you. Am so very grateful and lucky to have had you with me.
Baby boy I love you.
Goodnight
No comments:
Post a Comment