Max Im having a really hard time tonight. I was really doing ok, so far this weekend. Better then I anticipated. Maybe thats why I had a breakdown tonight. One of my biggest in a while actually. In the beginning I had lots of crying fits and then here and there. Im good at keeping it within myself most of the time. Just between you and I. I hate how I think im doing ok. I think im handling everything just fine, but then the sadness grows. Max it takes so much energy to pretend like im ok. To act fine. Max im not fine. I decided to go to bed at 11. I did not mean to seem rude, but I just needed to grab your bear and go upstairs. It was when I got up the stairs that I started to fall apart. I dont know what triggered it. I just held your Max bear with your ashes. Just layed there. Your dad came up and told me everyone else was going to bed, and the other friend left. He asked if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was mad at him. I said No. He then asked whats wrong, I told him I was sorry for being this way. I told him I was sad. Then it started. The breakdown. Max baby I cried so hard tonight. To the point of sobbing, not being able to breath, and feeling so dizzy. I hate getting like this. Max I was crying so hard for you, I was afraid my guest would hear my from downstairs. Max I tried explaining to your daddy that I know he is sad and angry, so am I . I dont want to take that away from him, but that I feel so empty that he will never understand. Max a piece of me is missing, I feel so empty and I will never fill whole again. You are missing from me. Your dad and I talked a lot. Well I guess I talked alot and your dad so wonderfully listened. Max your daddy said I cant keep everyting to myself, but Max its the only thing I can do. I hate pushing this on other people, I hate being out of control. I hate, hate , hate feeling this way. Max I feel like I cant breath with out you, know one will every understand, i will never be right again. Or so it seems.
Max I miss you so much.
Max I am so empty.
This was such an emotional breakdown tonight. I cried so much I clogged my nose all up. Max baby I need to go to sleep now.
Max the weekend has not been bad. Its been good actaully. But something triggerd in my tonight that I could not stop crying. Max it was a sobbing, shaking type cry. I dont think it made me feel better, just more tired.
Max its 12:04am now. Talking to your daddy did help me, but I would not be able to shut my mind off untill I talked to you. Its crazy how much I NEED you. Even though your not here, I just need you.
Max I love you, I will tell you about me and your daddys conversation.
I miss you more then I can ever express in words.
The first time I was alone with Jesse and Candice after we found out about Jean, I drank whiskey, held it together until the end of the party and then cried so much I thought everything inside of me would burst open. I sobbed and sobbed and blew snot all over them until I just couldn't anymore. I don't want you to ever feel like I want to compare Jean to Max, but because they are tragedies in our lives, it's how I can relate. Once it was out, I was okay. But I know what you mean, in my own life, I'll never be "whole" without her...I'm grateful everyday that I do still have her, but she's so different than the sister I grew up, sometimes I feel like every time I see her I have to grieve the difference, the loss of who she used to be, who we thought she would be when her diagnosis was only cerebral palsy. In a lot of ways even though there is 4 years between Jean and I, I feel like we're twins, we complete each other in so many ways. There's been times in the past that she's been in pain and I've gotten sick, or had panic attacks at the same time without knowing what was going on...So all I'm saying, is that I think it's okay to feel all the things you are. I know I say that a lot. I hope at some point you don't feel like sharing what's going on is pushing it on anyone. No one thought you were rude, I thought you did great. I also can relate to the saying you didn't want kids thing, I did that for years. What I was really saying was that I'm scared that they could have Jean's disease...I feel like I couldn't handle it. I have no words to address that fear,for either of us, I wish I did. I know this is a long post, and I hope none of it offends you...I hate when people (therapists) tell me to be nicer to myself, but I do feel like sometimes you're being really tough on yourself....I don't say not to be, because I'd hate that, but......(you know)
ReplyDeleteThis quote is from my fb page, it's from a book call A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Brother felt terrible. He is always feeling terrible, when the innocent, benign questions of unsuspecting strangers yield the bizarre answer he must provide. Like someone asking about the weather and being told of nuclear winter.
I often feel like I'm "brother"...
I love you, get some sleep.
I love you. I also thought you did a great job this weekend...but I'm sorry you felt you had to Be OK for me the whole time. I know I can't truly understand what you are feeling, but I care about you and I was so excited to meet Max. I wish it was a visit to meet him, like it was supposed to be, but I was still happy to see you and I want to be here for you in whatever way you want me to be. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteThanks to you both
ReplyDelete