"Hope"Part 4 11/19/2010 the day you were put in me.

Hi baby, I am so tired and emotionally drained. But its good. The kindness from people was overwhelming. Thats the only word I really have. That people would care enough and be so nice. That people would come out . Someone said In regards to work events that they dont remember this many people  out together in a long while. Its true and it was  touching. Max baby I dont have many words to describe it. Other then just touched. Baby a friends mom said that you touched so many people. Max you were not here very long and you have touched so many. Max you are amazing. I love you and what you have given me. I am back to tears again. Its just strange in a neat way how this day, this day you were put into me. You changed my life. Well this same date today again you were put in to me. Differently of course but your spirt was here and I was touched so greatly. I was sad a little but more touched.  Touched with such understanding and support. Max that one person cared enough and set this up, that they were able to get so many people together. I will never know how to say thank you in the way that I feel on the inside. There may be days I dont like my job, but the people I work with and the people I have met, well I am a very lucky person. I think you were with me tonight. I told the story about the toads to someone. I spoke about what happened to you to another. Max I met a man, a retired officer from a local township. He belongs to our FOP and knows some of the people I work with. Well Max this man touched me deeply (2 men tonight did) This first man came up to me took my hand and held it tight. Me being me and not liking being touched by people was weirding me out at first and then he tells me his , name where he worked and that he lost his daughter 6 years ago. This man made me cry. This man was so kind max. He told me it never gets easier it just gets different. Max this man really touched me.  This man, your daddy and I then had conversations about life and where we are all from. He is from Malvern and has lived for 45 years right down the street from the house I grew up in. Max the second man, a detective who I have not had many conversations with, but we both know who the other person is. Well he started talking to me and told me he understands. He told me about his son that died at 16. He again told me that it does not get easier, just different. He told me that people will be nice and not know what to say. Comparing to other loses in there life, he told me know one can understand this pain. Unless they know this pain. He told me that no matter the age, when you lose your babys its just as hard. We talked about his department and how in the past two years 2 detectives have lost a child. Max I told you a long while ago about the little girl that died who I had in my cabin the first year I worked camp cadet. (well she was one of those) . Max sadness is everywhere. But so is hope and happiness. Max These men told me how hard it is and how it wont get easier, but through them I saw that life can happen. People are resilient. That does not take the hurt away. I wish I could figure out how to make it easier for everyone.
Max I am overwhelmed and full of tears, but I am so very grateful, touched and hopeful. Someone told me that im strong, one of the strongest people they have met. Max I appreciate that comment, but I have no choice. Please believe most days I want to just die. I want to be with you. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. But I dont think thats how I will get to you again. Max I think my spirt is in a coma, barely there. BUT you are my life line. You are why Im still here. You are why I fight. Max your my reason why I can be strong. Who knew that hope could come after you died and not while you were with me. What you gave and continue to give to me is why I fight, why I stay floating.
Today is not a sad day, it just makes me sad that your not here to share it. Todays date is the day your life being with me. Todays date Max, is the day you gave me life. This date my life will change forever. This date last year I did not know how much my life would change.
Max baby I will tell you more about tonight, tomorrow. I need to sleep, im drained and so emotionally tired. (That feeling you get when you swim all day with your eyes open). Max Im working on call court   tomorrow so I need to get up early and go to work. I love you.

Hope dangles on a string,
Like slow spinning redemption.
Winding in and winding out,
The shine of which has caught my eye.
(vindicated-Dashboard confessional)

I know I use this a lot, but every time I think of Hope and what it is for me, its what I think. Its with me there in front of me. Within my reach. It keeps me going. My rabbit to chase. My goal to reach. The shine has caught my eye. Even if it is just slight hope. Its hope and I am captivated by it.