Thinking about you. About how much I love you. How much I miss you.

Missing you.

It's been a while baby boy. I'm having a hard night. Your birthday is tomorrow and I'm pretty emotional about it. You should be turning 3. It all still seems like yesterday. I was I the hospital being induced waiting for you. I was soooo happy. I will never get that happy back. I've been happy since , your brother and sister make me happy and my heart is full of joy. But still will never be the happy I was 3 years ago august 15th waiting for you. I'm sad very sad. I also feel incredibly alone. Life is strange right now. Your dad and I are not well and I think I'm starting to not like him somedays. But I love him. I love you and tomorrow you turn three!

I'm a bit upset because we moved, I don't have your tree here yet and I always have cake at your tree and bring you a ballon. Because the old house is still ours we may go to it tomorrow. I hated that house, but that house has memory's of you. From the moment of being pregnant, to the baby shower, setting your room up, then not coming home with you. Spending time at your tree was my escape. It's also the first year I did not have a picnic. I'm sorry.

Is it selfish to ask for a sign from you. I feel like there's no toads here to send me. And everything keeps going wrong. I love you little boy. 

Until we meet agin I hold you in my heart.

Happy forth of July my love! You have the best view. Love you. 

I love you and miss you so much little boy. 

Happy Easter my beautiful boy! I love you and miss you. 

I love you baby boy. I'm ready for tomorrow, I know you will be with me.

I love you

Hello my baby boy! Im so nervous! Your brother comes on thursday. Everyone keeps saying not to be worried, what happened to you was rare, and wont happen again. WEll  no one knows that for sure! Anything can happen. I really cant wait to hold this little boy and love on him the way I do Alex. All the love I give for you is in my love for Alex, and I hope with this boy as well.
Im also scrared that I will compare him to you all the time. I think I may have thought this with Alex also. But lately because this baby is a boy I keep wanting to call him Max. I have so many mixed feelings but I do know I want him here alive.

please watch your daddy he is not doing well at all. It worries and scares me. I know he is under a lot of stress and this is very hard on him. But please watch over him and keep him safe.

I hope your doing well my sweet boy. I wonder what you are doing. Do you think of me, do you know me. Do you know your sister. I wish I could see you again, hold you again, smell you, touch you. Mostly go back in time. I have not had a sign ( that I know of) in a while. I hope you are still with me.

I love you,

my birth

Hello my boy. The days are getting closer until your brother is here. The an axiety is overwhelming at times. Other times I forget that its not you, I catch my self wanting to call this baby Max. I know I had these fears and concerens with Alex but, she was not a boy and her pregnancy was very different.

Max baby as always im having a hard time with happy pregnant people. Or I should say unaware of what could happen.  I am VERY aware of everything that could happen. What bothers me is how beautiful birth could be, how everyone makes not of that, its in pictures, media, everywhere. Natural birth is best and beautiful. Well I have no choice, but for me that is beautiful as well. I had the C-section with you and out came the most perfect little boy. Then your sister, and now this next one. Would I like to have natural birth, normal outcomes of course, but I cant. Im tired of seeing it everywhere. No matter what kind of birth there is, its beautiful.

Not many people get pregnat and from day one say they want a c-section. They want to be cut open and not get that immediate bonding time, or pure joy right away. The relief from pushing. Most people are scared of labor but want to do it the natural way. Some with drugs some without. But then there are those that need to have c-sections to control the outcome for the babies, Because it is whats best for mom and child. C-section birth may not be ideal, but its beautiful as well.

Maybe im tired of hearing perfect storys and knowing our is not. how awful of me is that!

Max again, I learned that if you were born on time, you would most likely be alive.  If I had an ultrasound, or the non stress test, they would have been able to see you were not doing well. This all could have been prevented.

Im struggling a lot lately. What If I cant like this baby, because he is a boy and I see you. What if he dies also. I have 17 days left. 17 days until we have another baby boy. I wish I could see you, hold you, have a sign from you that  you are ok. I miss you, in every part of my body. It still pains me everyday. I have just gotten good at pretending.

Another woe is me.... your sister knows who you are. She knows you, I truly believe. She points to your things and pictures and says Max. There is something special about her, and I feel like you are part  of that.

Your my number one

I went shopping today and bought you brother and friend some things because they were on sale. But it was hard! I realize I can by anything that says mommys #1 or mommy boy. anything like that, because he's not. You are. I feel if I allow that for him I take that away from you. I love you my baby boy. My first love! 

Max I want you back. Come back. You would be 2.5 yrs old. You would be wild and crazy. I would be exhausted and frazzled but you would be here. I want you 

Today I'm a mess, grief is always around somedays a lot worse the others. Tired and very overwhelmed. Between family drama that I just want to shut out, to my own very distracted unorganized head. Never thought I would say I miss medication! Learned I am completely unable to do daily activities like pay bills while pregnant and off ADD medication. The 600 in past due bills shane found today proves that! Actually im also unable to do anything! Feeling sad, inadequate and overwhelmed with everything. I just want to cry. 

I love and miss you case-face! 

2.5 years

Hello beautiful boy. Today you would be 2.5 years old! It would be your half birthday! So happy half birthday.

Im still pregnant with your brother and yes it is still hard. I was so emotional with Alex and attached. I have been the opposite  this pregnancy. But I saw him on the 32 week ultrasound and I liked him! I love him. Im so afraid I will lose him too.

I know I talk about the same things all the time, but I guess they are always on my mind. But im still struggling with happiness. I think im jealous about not being pregnant happy. Its fearful to see people so blissfully happy. Dont they know that they can lose their baby so easily! Then I also get upset that I will never have the same excitement I did when I was pregnant with you. I'm jealous of that but also scared for them. I dont want anyone to have to feel what I feel.

Max tuesday makes a year since case face died. I know how hard your first year was for me. My heart aches for her mommy. no matter how strong one can be, you can never be strong enough for something like that.

Happy pregnant people

Sometimes my heart really hurts. The reason being I miss you. But also because im jealous of pregnant people and there complete happiness and bliss. Something I can never have again. I cant take that away from others, nor do I ever want to. But I my heart gets so heavy when I see that pure happiness,but its also full of fear that something bad will happen to them. But then my brain goes off again thinking nothing bad will ever happen to them. Just me and now maybe something bad will happen because I have those thoughts.

I was SOOOO over the moon excited for you, nothing was ever to go wrong. my bliss, my happiness, my excitement. Gone in an instant. I want to scream at people, why are you so hapy and excited, your baby may die. But why.... thats not fair. Be happy I guess, enjoy what time you have. In the mean time I still feel nothing for your brother. Im happy when I feel him move, but the connection is not like with you, and not like Alex. But I know I will love him. hoping he stays on this earth.

On a happy note, a friend had a baby today and that is a good thing! Its a person that I was only every excited and worried for. But the baby is here alive and well.

Love to the Max

Hello my little boy.
Today was a little hard but ok. We went to a birthday party for twins turning 2 today. I was doing real well then all of a sudden it hit me. We may have our own sort of celebration for you but its not the same. You dont get to blow out candles and have baby friends over. I said something to your daddy and he felt the same way. Sometimes I forget how he is still affected. I became agitated and wanted to go home. But there was lots of people and im not very social so I was ready to go, plus your sister needed a nap. But it emotionally took a lot from me.

But I was sitting here watching tv and surfing the internet, and I came across 2 things. First is the article from your second birthday.....

http://www.unionvilletimes.com/?p=17346

Then second was an image that said Love to the Max. It was perfect and came at perfect timing. Thank you.


I sure do love you to the Max my baby boy!

Love you, baby boy!

Hi max. This baby inside me feels like just  a baby! There is a big disconnect. You were my son, I was so exicited and so in love. Alex was my saving grace. I needed her. I want this baby but I feel unconnected. Maybe it's because it's a he. And that he's very similar to you. The pregnacys seem the same. Maybe I'm scared I will lose this boy, so I'm not attaching my self it allowing my self to love him. However I know if something happens my heart will still be broken, and then I will feel guilty for not being exicited.

Max I hope this baby gets to stay.

Merry Christmas

Merry christmas baby boy! Today is amazing with your sister, but super hard with out you! I feel like this year would be the first real exciting year for you and Christmas. I feel stripped of joy but also blessed for what I have with Alex. It just saddens me that you are not with us in the flesh, even though I know your all around me.

Merry Christmas my little love.

Christmas Day

New year

Max I'm missing you a lot right now. My heart is breaking. ( well still broken) I have this boy in my belly whom I can't get connected to and this amazing little girl in my arms. I fear everyday that this boy will have the same results as you and that alex won't stay with me either. 

I'm struggling because I got to see and hear you, I got to kiss you but yet that's not enough. I want more! 

I go back to thinking about your birth and how someone messed up. Someone should have fine something diffrent. More then someone.

I'm tired and emotional and I miss you.

Happy new year, my little love.