Today is good.

Max I wanted to write you because right now, this weekend Im not falling a part. Things are ok right now. Your tree is blooming. Its beautiful. The tulips around it are up. Your daddy fixed your bench, and it was a beautiful weekend to sit by it. I have been obsessed with house projects. I think that has been a distraction. Good or bad I dont know but a distraction.

Max I found out yesterday that someone donated in your name last year. I dontknow who they are. That is amazing and means so much. Max you are amazing!

Max I love you. I miss you. But today im not dwelling in sadness. Today I am ok.

Carpenter ants

Ahhhhhhhh 20 months later and I still get so upset, jealous, or I guess it's a constant reminder of loss. Even with your amazing healthy sister I'm so worked up over people being pregnant. A college friend has a boy around your age and is pregnant now. She's having a girl but someone stayed that she is truly blessed to experience both. Yes she is. But with that sentence floods me with emotion that I hope others will never experience. I feel so selfish and unkind. I'm happy for others but lost with out you.

Life is hard right now. I have to keep it all together. Always. If I don't your dad falls apart. I can't fall apart but I am, from the inside out. I feel like the tree in the backyard. It's being eaten by carpenter ants. Looks healthy and strong on the outside but slowly rotting and dying. Afraid of the wind.

Your sister just woke up. It's a 1110 pm I need to go help her. I love her. I love you

Max I continue to struggle. I'm missing you. Today you would be 20 months. My hands should be full. I should be frustrated and tired. Chasing you around and watching Alex. I wish I could let go. But I can't. I'm hurting and I'm empty.
But your sister is amazing. Because of her I have life and reason. I have her because of you. My today's and tomorrow's are dedicated to you,

Hi max.
I thought about you a lot this weekend. My heart still hurts so much. Your tree started to bloom.

Your sister gave me life again. She is healing. But sometimes I look at her and just cry. Missing you, and what it should have been. Also a friends baby who is the same age as you makes me sad but also SO happy. I look at him and see what you should be doing. It's bitter sweet, hard but still sweet and amazing. Sometimes good things hurt and it's ok.

Randomly this weekend has been hard. The last wings game, and our interactions with some people made me wish you were with us. ( always wish that)

It's still so hard baby boy.

Good morning my beautiful boy. It's going to be a lovely Sunday. Just missing you.

I miss you my cute cute boy!