Anna Begins..........Goodnight baby boy

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."
-Anna Begins, Counting Crows


Hey baby boy looks like today was another day I needed to write to you more then twice (sorry).So I did it again, I decided to just go for a run even tough I was feeling low and only had juice and orange tic tacks today. But it was worth it. This time it was the longest run yet. I ran for a full half hour, exactly 30 mins. I dont think thats so bad for giving birth 11 weeks ago. I did not pay attention to mileage but most of the run seemed fast. Its so weird Max how when I run something switches on, or maybe its something switching off. Not really sure. Well your dad and I had a pretty intense conversation about you dying. We both agree that the hospital and are regular doctors did nothing wrong and I am nothing but grateful for the way I have been treated. I will always remember how well I was treated, and how much there kindness has meant. The thing that I have been thinking about is if the placenta was so small (and it was ) Should they have been able to see it when I had that ultra sound at 36.5 weeks. Our doctors did not read it. It was not done in the office, I don't really even know im my doctor ever saw it.  I remember thinking when we had the ultra sound that the tech did more measurements and pictures then the 20 week scan. So it just makes me think if you died because of the placenta being small and poor blood flow/poor oxygen then at 36 weeks they should have been able to tell. Max that was the cause of all the other problems that killed you. So I just wonder what if? Nothing will bring you back, I just miss you. I still have SO many questions that i need to find answers to. Your dad told me to request the scan if I want, but to make sure I know that it may make things worse for me and to be ready to deal with either way. He also told me that most doctors wont touch re-reading the results. The thing is Max I just want to know. I dont want to know, to do anything other then just to know for myself. I dont want to do anything about it. I just want to know if it could have been seen. I want to know if its something that will happen again, if its something they really had no way of seeing (even though Im sure you could see if a placenta is significantly small) I also want to know if there is anything I could have done, If I contributed in any way. I also in my gut know now that, that pain I had in my side had to have been related. ANYWAY my point is your dad and I had a good conversation. He is right, nothing will bring you back, but he was also supportive in what I want to do. He also told me that its me being controlling. (not in a bad way) A need to control the situation and be ok. But then I went for the run, I always get such clarity. I dont need to get those results, I just need to let it go Max. I dont know how Im going to do that, but I need to figure it out. My run was going ok, but then i went well i wanted to keep running. A song came on, that was a different version then the originally it was extra long. Sometimes I play games with my self when I run, so this time the game was I could not stop till the song was over, I restarted it 3 times. SO when I wanted to stop I had to keep going. Its a song that would not make anyone come close to tears, but lately when I run, I have been crying. Well to a re-mixed killers song I started to cry. Max I have issues! When I was done my head was spinning, felt like it was floating and my legs were in slow motion. I really did feel high. Max that's why I love to run. Days when I dont want to get off the couch and step outside I need to remind my self those things. Im worried though that this high is going to come crashing down, so maybe I should just go to sleep. Max I love you so much and.....

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
(Anna Begins, Counting Crows)