Good morning baby boy Today I have that little tiny rubber toad with me. I like knowing its there! I had some really weird dreams last night! One a man was hanging out of an open elevator while it was going down. I held him by his shirt. The other one was me going back to therapy. The elevator dream was really weird. I remember very calmly griping his shirt. He did not seem like he was going to fall but he was hanging out, the elevator was in a garage and was open all around us. So I just griped the shirt to make sure. Then I woke up and realized I was 5 mins late, which throws me off. I have my deadline on the latest when I can get out of bed.
Max So far this morning work has been a little chaotic (well not for me) But I like when its busy like that. I function best when lots of things are going on. Its a time when others stress, and I get calm. I can handle that kind of stress; I like busy and multiple things at once. But now its back to being quiet. I’m in the control room again baby, so its good. Yesterday though I had a run in with someone. I did not really want to talk about it yesterday. But today im ok, and in a better frame of mind right now. But yesterday I was leaving 10 minutes early (to avoid just this type of thing) and a lady that works in the sheriff’s office, the clerical part stops me. Well she was pregnant at the same times as me. We were a week apart. She also had a little boy. Well max when I was trying to escape before everyone else and then I ran into her. She hugs me and says she is so sorry. Says she did not want to say anything before because she did not want to upset me. Well Max it was funny because this poor girl was so upset and on the verge of tears. I was like "Make this end!" to myself. The OBGYN doctor I saw all the time was right. He told us that at times we will find ourselves consoling other people. I felt bad for this girl. It was like she could not stop saying sorry. I did not want her to cry, I also did not want to be there. It was like she wanted me to stay and talk, find out how I was doing. Well I kept saying "fine" and "Life could always be worse". I think I felt worse for her in that moment. It’s funny max because I am an emotional person lately, but in general I am not. I am a private person and when I break down its alone (the only other person would be you Dad). But I guess that’s why I stuff everything, why I run, why I was bulimic for more then half of my life. Im emotionally avoidant. But with that being said it’s been a great protection. When she was there on the edge of crying, I was so unattached. Almost like what ever! Sometimes emotional situations even make me uncomfortable. Like I should laugh or down play things. Im great at dealing with other people’s emotions, just not mine. I can read almost anyone, pick up the vibe around me. But I can also shut off. Max with you dying I lost a part of that, I have been SO over the top emotional. Some days I can’t keep it together and then is so uncomfortable for me. Well recently I feel like Im getting back to being able to shove everything away and just be unattached. I’m doing well at covering up again. But I also feel extra numb and unattached when im around others. Its only those that sadly understand, or certain friends I still cant help being emotional when things are said. I don’t like emotions but for you everything is worth it. I still break down everyday when I leave work, or am alone at home. The strangest things make me cry. Most days I only look/act together on the outside. I should have been an actress. I wanted to as a kid, but was always to shy. Funny how now I seem to be acting all the time now.
Max I came in early, but I may have to stay till regular time. It will be ok, just as long as I can avoid the outflow of county employees. Max I’m going to try and have a good day today. I drank some of that juice I made. Not as good as my others, it was a bit chunky! Max I really love and miss you. Someone from the MISS site that I was talking to says she does a toy drive in memory of her little girl. I thought that was a really good idea. I would love to do something like that for you. I don’t know if I can deal with it for this year though. I was thinking maybe baby supplies to the hospital for new baby’s that don’t have much. Maybe I could get together with Safe Kids and find a family that needs a car seat. I would like to do something for you this year but Im not sure how much I can handle. This might just be ideas for the future.
Max I feel talkative to you today. I wish I could see you. Its crazy how much I miss you and how life is so different now that you’re not in my life. I should stop writing. I will talk to you later. Im going to think about what I can do in your name for other babies. But like I said this year just might be thinking.
I love you more and more everyday it seems
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