Good morning baby. I love you. I feel like I did not sleep last night. I was so tired but I could not shut my brain off. I think I was still trying to process my thoughts around 2am. I was talking to your daddy. It was like I was a rambling drunk, except I did not drink. I was crying but not like that breakdown I had at him. They were just tears, emotional ones. We talked about a lot of things. When I finally feel asleep I felt like I was awake all the time. Too hot, too cold, back hurt, heard a noise, then the alarm. I’m at work now. I’m working something called on call court. It’s a service we do for our district judge who works in the court house. So I get to be here from 8-noon and then 8-midnight. Tomorrow and Tuesday I work from 4pm to midnight. I like working on call court.
Max baby your dad asked me if I would be ok going to Thanksgiving because I was ok last night. I don’t know. I said no. I told him it is different. There were no babies, it was not a roomful of family looking at me funny, asking me questions. Why am I so bothered by my family asking me questions that I get asked all the time. The main reason to, is that I just don’t want to celebrate the babies birthday. I can’t tell them that I am a horrible selfish person and don’t want to celebrate my niece turn one. Max her birthday is Tuesday. Thanksgiving just reminds me of being so sick. So happy for her. But this year I’m just mad I guess. Mad that she was not even trying, mad that she did not want her (she wants her now of course, did not want the idea of another baby). Mad that, that was supposed to be a happy time, still is supposed to be a happy time. I want to see the other kids, I just don’t want to see the baby. I’m sure if I went I would be ok, im the great pretender I’m always ok. I feel bad for Shane, he says its ok, but I’m starting to feel like I’m hurting him, hurting his mom. He would never do this if it were the other way. Everything is just awkward, there is no where to hide. I don’t even want to go to Christmas. I’m still working on how I will avoid that, once I don’t go to Thanksgiving they will be on to me. These holidays are about family, I know that. As strange as my family is, I love them, but I kind of just want to be left alone this year. I think if you had died in like January maybe then I would be ok with the holidays. It’s just so soon, so fast. Max baby I ponder things and then decide at the last minute, so maybe I will change my mind. Sometimes I think I wish I did drugs or drank a lot. Not in reality, I know what that can do. I guess I understand why people drink too much, or get hooked on drugs. Who wants to feel this. Max I was never in to drugs, I was always afraid I would like them. Plus I like being in control of my self. I just see how easy it could be to want to cover up the sadness.
Max I was so overwhelmed yesterday, but in a good way. Overwhelmed by kindness. I did feel like your little light of hope was with me. I felt you, like the day I felt the hope of you growing when you were transferred to me. Today I feel sad, not horrible so just blaa. Melancholy. But Max I’m also very tired, which never helps.
Max I’m going to look for a baby’s first ornament for you today. I love you. I will talk to you later my love.
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