Better Today

Hello my little love. Today emotional has been better then yesterday. Yesterday I was just so emotional and missing you.  Today of course I miss you but im better . Your daddy and I started the day going to the gym, he did the spin class but I cant seem to keep up anymore. Last week the instructor noticed I lost steam, I dont like doing well, but im not going to push myself were it harms your sibling. So i skipped the class and just worked out. But then I came home and slept for 3 hours!! MAx baby I never take naps, I dont know what came home over me. Your daddy and I went to get my oil changed and bought another baseball glove so we can throw and catch in the backyard. TOday was a good day with your daddy. We played in the backyard and beanz ran and ran! Now we are watching tv (the shows we save to watch together on the weekends) I love being with your daddy.

Max i had really bad, scary dreams last night. There was really bad thunderstorms last night and I thought about you. I wondered if you were as scared as I was. I hope not. I hope you dont have fear in heaven. I hope you dont hear the scary thunder.

Well baby boy, Im dreaming of you a lot lately and missing you as always.

I love you.

Send a kiss to your daddy please.

Good evening baby boy, Im kind of in a sad funk again, but your daddy is having a really bad night. Im worried about him tonight. He is under so much stress and I hate it. He is exhausted and overworked. He feels inadequate and a failure. I hate this for him and I wish something would work out for him. Your daddy is the greatest person to me.

I told my boss about your sibling and I started to cry. I really miss you, but the good thing is that she was very understanding and I will be out of uniform next week. I feel bad because I just went back into it. Oh well your sibling is more important. I am happy for this baby and that is ok. I know its ok, but its still hard and I have so much fear. But having to tell my boss, sent me in a funk again and im really missing you.

I was supposed to go to dinner with some of my college friends, but I went to the restaurant in KOP and they went to philadelphia-Opps! Oh well, I was really in an anti-social mood any way, but your dad told me I have to go. Plus I did want to see them, I was just in my stay home and hide mode. So when I learned I went to the wrong place I walked around the mall by myself. I went into to old navy and walked past the baby section and I started to cry. Who crys in old navy-ME. I barely bought anything for you from there, but for some reason In that moment around the newborn clothes my mind could not stop thinking about you.

Its so weird how my day can be ok, but I feel so low. I think its just this cycle im on a week im doing ok, then the following Im melting down. I guess the good thing is it used to be a day of being ok and then the next I want to jump off a bridge. So I guess this is an improvement.

For tonight though baby boy, can you please watch over your daddy. Maybe you can be there with him, the way I feel you are with me. Maybe you can have his daddy send some love to him. He really needs it. I know he misses you and his daddy so much. I know I will be ok, always, but your daddy I dont know. He needs you.

you, me, daddy and ultrasound.

Max baby today has been a real mix of emotions, real up and down. One minute im laughing the next im crying. Today was a good day, but yet I feel so sad. I got to see your sibling. He/she looked amazing. No matter how many times I will get pregnant, seeing a baby inside of me will always move me. This time though it seems different. Im happy but I lack the extreme excitement I had with you. Im trying really hard to give this baby what I gave to you. But its real hard, Its hard knowing that just like that this one can be dead. I try to remind myself that you are here with me and this baby. That somehow you will make this ok. You give me that hope. Max the most amazing thing was when I was getting the ultra sound, the tech said something that makes me truly believe that you are right with me still. She knows my history, knows you died, BUT she knows nothing about the toads/frogs and how they symbolize you to me. Well your sibling was moving away inside me and loving there legs. The ultrasound tech, said that the baby is moving there legs like a frog! I started to cry, not because of this baby, but because of you. You did not have to say that, or refer to frog. BUT she did and I think its a sign from you. Maybe I need it to be, but either way it was real amazing.

Max once I got to this point in the pregnancy with you, I was over the miscarriage anxiety. I cant seem to get over it now. This is so very hard and im missing you so much. I cried a lot today. I missed you a lot today. I keep remembering this stage with you and seeing you on that big screen in the doctors office.  Even this morning before the appointment, I was in my on world. I was actually going to write to you about it. I was very much in my own head. Lost in thought, listening to music and missing you. There was a guy at work whose mother-in-law died and I could not handle hearing him talk about it, talking about death. I felt like I was tuning everyone out but somehow managed to do my job. I drew today, my typical disturbing style.  It was many lots of lines and shadings with flowers and an inappropriate four letter word. I have been feeling so sad. Its weird baby boy, im ok just very sad.

Your daddy and I talked alot about you today. I think he realizes how much I was missing you today. The little boys that live across the street were riding there little dirt bikes and I expressed to him how sad I get watching them, and not for me but for him. I know how much he wanted to teach you how to ride. I told him he should be able to teach you and do father , son activities. He told me he thinks about that and even crys sometimes. But he also thinks about you and trys to imagine how you would be. He told me you would be a real good boy and the kind of kid that comforts us on bad days and teaches us things. Max that made me cry more, because thats how I view you also. Of course though you would have a little bit of mischievous in you, you are our child! But I think you would have been like your daddy. The kindest soul ever.  Your daddy says he gets sad, because he never got to know you. I got to know you more then he did.

Today was a really good day in terms of this little sibling growing inside of me, and right now things are good and I am happy, but im really missing you and my heart is hurting.

I love you, so much and thank you for being with me today.

Hi baby boy. The weather is real nice and I love that at 730 it's still light out. Beanz and I spent some time outside. Still no toads. I know they were you before, I have no other explanation.

I seem to have more energy this week. Since Saturday I have made it to the gym three times. That seems to help my sadness and anxiety.

I listened to a lot of music today and it made me think if you. Well I always think of you!

I love you my little love.

Hi my little love, today was another ok day (even though I was at work blaa) Max I talked to a friend today. We talked a lot about pregnancy and YOU, we talked a lot about you. I really enjoyed it. Max I feel slightly hopefully right now, and that kind of scares me. I need hope, but im scared if I have it, it will be taken from me. Max I love you.

I was talking to your dad tonight on his break and I told him that I changed my mind, I want to name this baby in case this one dies to. I told him if this baby dies I dont want to name him/her after they die. I want them to feel as loved as you. You had a name for a long while before you were born, you were Max. This baby should have a name. I told your daddy that I think this one will be a girl. I think that because I truly belive you have a say in all this. I dont think you want a brother, I think you want a sister. I think you want to be the only boy for a while. There has to be some reason why the embryo transfer did not work, I think because statistically most ivf/embryo transfer babys are boys, because of timing and selection of sperm. I think you want this one. SO it must be a girl ( how is that logic for you! ) So Max we named her tonight. If she dies, she will have a name. ( I hope this baby stays alive though) Oh I also decided on a really long name, that if she stays alive she wont like until she is older. Part of my thinking is maybe if the name is long she will stay alive.

Max I wonder if you like that you have a name. That you were Max for months before you were born. Do they call you Max in heaven? Or when you go there, do you get another name? I hope not, Max is perfect for you.

I love you baby boy

Hello baby boy! Today has been ok, I really enjoy watching the birds on the front porch. I was never much into birds, but there is something real peaceful about them. I also enjoy looking up birds to try and identify which one are on my porch. Max baby your sibling hit 10 weeks. Yes you lived till 41 weeks but you were an IVF baby. I have never been pregnant this long, on my own and thats scary. I know im going to be an anxious mess until or If this baby gets to come home.

Max baby did you pick this one, is there a reason why the embryo transfer did not work. Do you want a sisiter instead of a brother. Most IVF/embryo transfer babys are boys, so maybe this one is a girl and you are choosing. WEll I sure hope you want to help me keep this baby around.

Max an old coworker talked about you today, he asked how I was doing. I never no how to answer that question. Do I lie and just pretend or do I tell people how hard this is and how missing you does not get any easier. I dont know what to say when people ask me how Im doing. Im living, im functioning but other then that I dont know how well im doing. I dont have you with me. Another co-worker talked about how close he was to his son, and he is away for week. How much he is going to miss him. In a weird way he made me upset. Not because he said anything wrong, but because Im jealous of that relationship, and I know if you were here we would have that to.

Max I love you.

I love you today more then I loved you yesterday, and tomorrow I will love you more then I do today.

Good night my little love.

It's time to turn into a frog yourself

It's very funny to be a frog

You can dive into the water

And cross the rivers and the oceans

And you can jump all the time and everywhere

Do you want to play with me?

We can be a whole group of friends

A whole group of frogs

Jumping into the streets

Jumping into the planet

Climbing up the buildings

Swimming in the lakes and in the bathtubs

We would be hundreds, thousands, millions

The biggest group of friends the world has ever seen

Jumping and laughing forever

It would be great, right?

Hello my baby boy, yesterday I was having a really hard time missing you, but I did not want to write about it. I just wanted to leave you with those happy pictures. I was missing you so much yesterday it was even hard for me to talk really. Your daddy noticed it and I started to cry. I am SO very happy im pregnant with your sibling but im really having a hard time with missing you. I feel empty and very sad with out you. 

I love that song above, im so glad a friend told me about it. I like to imagine you talking to me and you telling me those lyrics, you telling me we can be together, we can jump and laugh for ever, that we can be friends. It just makes me feel a certain kind of peaceful happy I cant explain. 

All of my nieces and nephew are over at my moms house. Your daddy asked if we should go over and see the kids. I said yes, I want to see them but I don't want to see the adults. He asked me if I was always going to be this way. Honestly I dont know. Maybe I will. He then asked me if, when we have this other baby ( I corrected him and said IF!) will I keep the baby from them. I told him, I dont plan on it. He then asked me why its so hard to be around my family. I told him, I dont know, its just how I feel, If i dont have to socialize with them then I dont want to . But I will have to for easter. He reminded me that the longer, I stay avoiding, the harder it will be to go back. I wish I could explain, this or have him feel the way I do so he could understand. I wish he could get that feeling I get when I need to be around them. The sadness and anger all wrapped up in one. The disappointment, the falure and the reminder that you Max, are not with me. Its nothing they are doing intentional, and maybe its all in my head. BUT I hate the way I feel when im around my mom and one sister. Whats wrong with me Max. I love my family very much and I should be using them for support, but I cant, never could. Im a stubborn, anxious brat. 

Max baby I have been thinking about my appointment at the OBGYN and I think its since then I have been super sad. I saw the doctor that delivered you, she hugged me and was happy for your maybe sibling. It was actually very nice to see her and we talked a bit about your autopsy, I did not bring a copy because I did not know I would be going that day. She wanted to see it. Talking about you makes me happy and sad. This time I have been in this sad, sad funk. Its not a ohhh, that was a sad movie kind of sad, its like this pain that goes all through my body that I cant contain. I think my soul hurts. Its awful and I wish, no one had this feeling ever. 

Max people are very nice. A friend from high school sent a message to me on facebook, and this triggered 2 other friends who said very nice things. I have not seen these people since high school. One at my friends, moms funeral a few months ago, but still. They were so kind in there thoughts and I so grateful. I find kindness in people so rare and special. 

Today has been hard, but in a different kind of way. Your daddy and I went to the movies early today. I have not been to the movies since I have been pregnant with you. We say the "Winnie the Pooh" movie. He thinks we have been since then, but I really dont think we have. Even things like going to the movies are really hard for me. I associate everything with you. When I do things again, then I last did with you it really effects me. 

Oh today we hung up a bird-feeder on the front porch. THe cats love it and so do I. All day there were no birds, but then just like that one came, and its like he told his friends and a whole bunch kept coming and going. It was beautiful to watch. 

I was looking at your hands and beautiful features today. I love them, and I love you. 

I guess I had a lot to write to you tonight. Your daddy is watching motocross and I think Im going to go to bed early, because I miss you. 

Love you Max. 

your tree is growing!

Max your tree is doing really well, its growing now, the leaves have started to come out! 

I strated to put some more soil around your tree. Your daddy has to get the weed wacker out so he can make it look nice. We decided that we are going to plant flowers around it. 

You little toad plant, its started growing its hair! This one stays in your bedroom.

Thank you Max

Thank you Max baby. thank you for today and being able see your sibling still live. I need this and I am so greatful, and even slightly happy. But at the same time I can't help but feel really sad. I really miss you and when we left RSi today I started crying. Your daddy asked what's wrong, and I said, I don't have you. Today will be the last appointment with them, because I officially go to the regular obgyn starting next week. They have been wonderful to us at RSI, it when I left the receptionist said , come back With the baby, we love seeing baby's or pictures. That made me said sad and mad. I was told that with you Max and when she said that. I bought I should have you, you should be here to show off. I got so sad, then I got mad because she said come back With the baby. See how does, she know this baby will live to bring it back to show them. No one can promise that. So it upset me. now baby boy I was not mad at her at all, I was just sad that no one can promise that this baby will live and come home. And mostly that your not here with me. Got real sad and am missing you a lot. I'm better now thought. Your daddy is home from work tonight, because he is taking some test in Harrisburg tomorrow. I love having him around. Max I am so greatful to have this other baby growing in my still. I pray and talk to you every night. I ask you to help me keep this baby, even though i should not be asking you for that. I know im being selfish, but I hope you know how much I love you and how amazing you are.

Love you

Hello my little love. I wonder how you are doing today. Today was another beautiful day temperature wise. The weather really helps me. Im such an outside person and it helps me. Still no toads though little boy!

I have a lot of people on my mind today. Maybe you can send happy thoughts from heaven to them.  Other people need your good love, I can share that Max baby.

Your daddy has been under a lot of stress lately, between work and these test he is studying for. He is one of the smartest people I ever met, im sure he will be jut fine. But he really needs to do well, for his emotional state. Your daddy is the best person in the world to me. I never do anything nice for him. SO I sent him one of those edible arraignments. Fruit that looks like flowers. I just wanted your daddy to know how special he is to me. He seemed to like it, and he even shared his fruit with me!!!
Max baby I made diner 3 days in a row, im trying. Nothing exciting but im trying.

Tomorrow we get to see if your hopefully sibling is still alive in me. I sure hope so.

Good night adorable boy.

Anxious and worried again.

Max baby im such an anxious mess. I really miss you, and this pregnancy seems to be increasing that. Sometimes Im surprised in how much I miss you, it always surprises me with how somedays I can miss you, more then I did the day before.

I went and met with some of your old doctors, to help ease my fears of going back. They were very understanding and supportive. He did a quick internal and said things are were they should be. This eased a little bit of my fears. I even heard your song on the way home. But then when i got home, I started bleeding. Im sure its from the exam. but once I saw the blood, the cramps started. I keep telling myself it is nothing. But sometimes this anxiety and defeatism takes over my mind.

I took Beanz for a walk, and stopped by your tree on the way back. It seems like overnight its budding all over the place. Its so neat to watch you little tree go from looking dead to having all these little buds. Its beautiful and peaceful. I wish it was you im watching grow, instead. But still I am grateful to your trees continued growth. Your NCIU nurse told me today that she saw about 20 toads. That made me happy. I have not seen any yet and I wonder if I will. The spring/summer before you died I barely saw them. But after you died those little guys seemed to be everywhere. With the one in your room, I was convinced it was from you. I wonder if you will send them back to me. I think I heard them tonight though. I went in the back yard and I heard the toad songs. I never knew how much a toad could make me happy.
Max I need you. I need you to be ok. I need to know that. Max I hope im not being greedy or selfish but I really need this baby to stay alive. I think I could have handled a very early miscarriage, but I cant handle it anymore. I really need this my little love.

I looked at benches to put by your tree today! I cant wait to find the right one.
I love you.

Hi Max baby, today was uneventful  and that is good! Im ok. I feel like my anxiety is creeping back in. Everything seems to scare me, or get to me. Today is not so bad, but i feel like its creeping in again.
Oh well. Im not going to think about it.

What I will think about its you! The weather being nice, really helps my spirt and I feel you with me more. On my walk tonight I was thinking about your little tree. Its growing buds now and its so exciting to know that the little tree is coming back alive. It got me thinking about how I want to make that area better. I think im going to buy a bench to put by your tree. Its going to be a swinging one, so I can just lay there and dream of you. It gives me something to focus on thats positive. Max lately you have been my positive, you have been my strength.

Im scared that I cant handle another baby dying. I dont know how I would be if your sibling died also. I need this, I feel like, just slightly I feel like I have life in me again, and that scares me.  Im nine weeks now Max, with your sibling. Its true what they say about showing faster with second children. Your daddy even thinks im showing. I don't want to tell work until the second trimester, but im scared I wont make it. Im scared that if I tell them, the baby will die. This is the only bad thing about wearing a uniform, it does not hide weight gain. Also baby I know I need to call the regular obgyn, but again so much fear and anxiety. I dont want to go back, I feel like If I do this baby will die, I dont want to go back in that office, I dont want to face the doctors. I know I need to soon, I cant stay at RSI forever. The anxiety is getting to me, I struggled all day with getting the nerves to call, and I never called. Maybe tomorrow.

Max I hope you want this baby also. This baby is just as much for you as it is for your daddy and I. I feel like not only do I need this baby to feel like living again, but I feel like your sibling will help me keep your life alive. Your sibling(s) (hopefully) will know all about you. Eveyone should no all about you.

Mising you Max baby,  thanks for being with me on my walk.

Forget me not

My little one

You have left us too soon

Though my body can no longer hold you

I hold you forever in my heart

As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time

A mother's love does not forget

Hi baby boy! I feel better today. My stomach is feeling a lot better, its just yesterday for some reason I was not feeling well. Im afraid im on that fine line of getting sick. I feel another dreaded sinus infection coming on. Oh well if it does I will deal with it.  Max baby I was real emotional this morning, I had a bit of a crying fit. I felt like an idiot when it was over. I told your dad that i feel like a failure because I dont cook, and that I dont know how to. Your daddy was trying to help me, but in the end I just had a fit. I then reminded him that my plan was to become domestic and learn how to cook, when you were born. I would have had to. I looked forward to it so much. SO this morning in my sad state, i was dwelling on the fact that im no good at house type things (cooking, cleaning) and that if you were here I would have to be.  About an hour later, i was ok. The weather is real nice again, and I spent some time outside with Beanz. I did some laundry, I had to wash my uniform AND I even made dinner. I made real food, in the oven (not microwave) in honer of you. Your dad does not eat meat so it looks like I have it for all week ( I dont like left overs) so this should be interesting, what color it becomes in the fridge! But I made dinner, instead of crying over the fact that I dont do anything. I hate complainers, that do nothing to try to fix what it is they complain about. I especially dont like it when it comes from me. So I did something about it.

Max I have not seen a toad for my self lately but I have been getting real cool things, that I dont think are coincidences. First there was my wedding ring, then I have a friend in Florida who's little girl died . She has a garden for her with a angel statue, sitting on the statute was a toad. She sent it to me, that im sure was a nice place for the toad to hang out, but i think it was you Max. Then my friend who's mommy died a few months ago, well she was cleaning in her moms garage, and found two seed packets of flowers. There was other circumstances around these seed packets, but they were "forget me not " flowers. She sent me a message saying that there was one packet for her mom and one packet for you Max. The thing that is so neat is that she has no idea that one of the pieces of jewelry around my neck is a "forget me not " flower with your birth stone. It was given to me as a gift by a good friend, she had no idea how special the "forget me not" flower has become to me. Is it some weird coincidence or again is that somehow you are able to connect to me in these neat ways. I like to think its you.
I will always be connected to you.

Max baby I did not forget to write you tonight, I'm just not feeling well. I really am missing you a lot. ( but that's everyday) today though I was in a funk, your daddy noticed. I miss you and don't feel well. Today was on though and I love you.

I will write wore tomorrow.
I love you.

7 months

Hi baby boy, its been 7 whole months since you were born and died. Its been a crazy long seven months, but at the same time, its seems to have gone by way to fast. I wish I was back to the day you were born. I would have told you I love you while you are still alive.
I really did not feel well at all this morning and im still all messed up in the belly. But today baby boy, when I thought of you I was not sad and depressed. I was happy to think of you. I talked to your daddy about happy thoughts. Today was interesting, your daddy and I decided to go out to eat, but I wanted something healthy, and something that would not make my stomach worse. So I decided to take your daddy, to a place I only ever went to once, when I was pregnant with you. I was in the 7 month, when I went. I actaully had a good time with your daddy out in public. (well I always have a good time with your daddy) I was just not so anxious. I was relaxed. We then went and did some errands, we went and bought some plants for his mom, your grandmoms birthday for tomorrow. When we get home, I go to get the plant out of the back seat and my wedding ring, was sitting right there in front of me. Max I lost in about a month ago, and looked EVERYWHERE! I even cleaned my car out, well today baby, I found it. I like to think that its because of you, that somehow you lead me to it. I sure hope so. Some may say its just a coincidence, but when it comes to you Max, nothing is a coincidence . You help me in so many ways, sometimes even in ways I dont realize until after they happen. All i know is I love you so much, and you are so special to me. I thank you for eveything you have given me and how much better you continue to make me.

Hi baby boy, im really not feeling well today so this is going to be short. I stayed home from work, because of being sick overnight. My stomach hurts real bad, and Im hungry! But thats ok, things could be so much worse and I know why my stomach hurts so bad. Im going to go to bed super early tonightIm so tired, but at the same time I am ok. I am so grateful to you and what you give to me. I wish with everything that you were here, but I also know your with me.
Thanks for being my everything and im sorry this is short, but dont worry I will talk to you in bed tonight.

Max tomorrow is 7 months since you were born and died. 7 long months!

I love you, my little love.

Woke up to MAX!

Hey my little love. I just wanted to tell you that I woke up this morning, earlier then I had to. But I woke up to your name. I heard it 3 times. Max, Max, Max, I did not pay much attention to the other words. Just your name. But once I was wide awake, I learned it was an info commercial for the insanity work outs, and they were saying you will get MAX intensity, MAX results, and MAX something else that I forget. Baby boy it was a great way to wake up. I hope to think that was a gift from you. Thank you!

Today was another beautiful day baby boy and I love it. I know your always with me, but I really feel like I feel you so much more, when I can be outside. I went on a long walk with Beanz and the clouds where amazing, I just knew it had to be you. Still no toads yet though. I really wonder if your going to send them back to me, or if that was just for after you died. I feel more peacefully these past two days being able to be outside.

I love you so much, I heard your song today, and I just started crying! Hearing it really made me happy!

Hi Max baby. I'm sitting outside on our front porch. The evening is beautiful. It's 546 pm and there is still lots of daylight. The weather could not be any better and it feels like spring is coming. Soon hopefully the toads will come and your tree will bloom. But for right now I can't complain. Max Beanz dog is super tired, we played stick ( your dad and I have a lacrosse throw while he runs back and forth). We then went for a walk. The weather is so nice I decided to take Beanz to the pet store to get a new frisbee. He was so happy. When we got hime I put him on the long leash and let him run and run to catch the frisbee. Max he is such a good boy and he never runs away. I Know you to would be best of friends! Right now he is with me sitting at my feet watching the 2 little boys across the street play on there bikes. It makes me a little sad even though they are not your age( there are five) but still it's what I'll be missing with you.i will never be able to teach you how to ride a bike, or watch you play. Makes me wonder what Beanz thinks as he just sits and watches them play. I wonder if he knows what he is missing also. Does he feel at loss because he does not have a boy friend. I wonder, I sure do feel lost.

Today was a good day overall, I got to spend a lot of it outside. It makes me happy. Not the kind of happy, I was when I was pregnant with you, or even before. But still a peacefully happy and that's ok right now.

When the weather is nice and I'm outside I get theses waves of you, like your with me. I need that.

I love you Max.

Athan!

Hi baby boy, today was not a bad day, but just a very angry day for me. I hate feeling so angry. I was just mad at everything including your daddy. Its not his fault he is sick and tired, and I was mad at him for basically sleeping all day. Some days Im not easy to be around. But Max baby I think I was mostly upset because my half-sister had her baby. Im happy she had a healthy baby but the thing is she named him Nathan. Well your middle name is Athan and when every  I see her perfect baby and that name, you pop in my mind and it makes me so sad. We got you name for a bunch of things, one of them being from the name NAthan/JonAthan we both really loved it (and it was my favorite lacrosse players name) It just really hurts when I see it. I know its not an intentional thing and people can name there babys what ever they what. I will just have to see this cute baby over and over and see your name in him. It should make me happy, when all reality it makes me sad. Maybe im just jealous and really sad that I dont have you with me. Sad because I miss you, sad because it was done with out thinking of you. but why should she. Why should people live there lives in fear of making me sad. They should not. I just am. Also, her baby was the same exact weight as you, that really made me cry. No one has any control over that, but again it made me sad seeing those numbers. Max am i being selfish. Yes I am being selfish, I am happy for her, its just that every time I see a newborn, I get so sad. Happy for them sad for me. I did everything right for you, and then there is people who smoke while pregnant , do drugs, dont eat right, on welfare, dont want there children (Not my half-sister Max baby) It just makes me sad.

I need to stop being this way. I am very grateful to the 41 weeks and 2 days you were with me. I just wish with all my being that I still had you. I wish I could enjoy this sibling for you, but im so paranoid and anxious that each day this baby is dead.  ha ha Max I think i have gone mental!
The other day I was so surprised that this baby was still alive, I turned and said to your daddy I have become the boy who crys wolf. Your dad said to me that a variation of that story is actually about a person who was abused and relied the torture over and over. So he said actually its quite fitting, my fears are based on my past reality.

Well baby I guess I have complained enough. Done enough Woe is me-right. Your worth more then that. Today the weather was beautiful and I went and looked at your little tree. It actually looks like it made the winter and looks like its forming little buds. I really cant wait for the toads to come back and vist. Maybe they will live by your tree. Oh and your Name just poped up on the TV and it made me so happy to see it. Its so weird how seeing and hearing Max makes me happy but anything surrounding Athan makes me sad.

Well Baby, I think im going to bed, because I have to open tomorrow. But because of the day light saving it feels way to early.

I love you Max Athan Brant.

Hi baby boy. Today was nice and relaxing,I read another book today. Max my anxiety is coming back, but I'm trying to not think. I had a good day with your daddy, we ran errands, and even cleaned the house a little bit. Max baby our neighbors made us dinner. It was really unhealthy but very delicious
I wonder how your doing today up there is the heavens, ha ha I wonder if your hanging out with other people I once knew, if your up there with my family or Laura's mom. I wonder of your playing with all the other baby's.

Max baby I don't have much to write tonight, partly because I'm super tired and ready to go to bed and it's not even 730. I love you Max baby .

Hi baby boy. I think being told not to go to work and take it easy has helped. My anxiety is still high but I feel calmer. Or maybe that's just because of yesterday. Either way today was not so bad I slept in a little bit it, then hung out on the couch with Beanz. I actually spent a lot of time laying on the couch staring at your pictures. Your daddy and I even talked about you a lot today. I really like when your dad and I talk about you together. Your dads at the store now getting some things but we even made dinner ( yes actually made something) together. Today was a really good emotional break. I have been having a hard time and have been missing you a lot lately. Its still hard to grasp that I don't have you, I thought I did everything right. I told your dad, that if we are lucky to have this baby other then being born alive, I hope it does not look like you.

Your daddy and I are going to watch our Friday TV show and just be. I thank you so much for everything you give to me. I love you.

Today was a good day

Max, thank you!

My anxiety is basically out of control and this is really hard. But today was a good day, a much better day and everything is ok. They were able to see what causing all the bleeding and I am but on bed rest until Monday. I feel slightly better that they found the bleeding and they know where its coming from. Your dad thinks the bed rest is for my anxiety and mental state. Because the bleeding is low and not near hopefully your future sibling. Even if it is for my mental state, it's all ready working. They are also going to keep me Max longer then they normally do before I have to go back to the obgyn. He said its to keep my stress down, because they will scan me every week. Max yesterday was so very hard, and that CPR class really messed with me. I could not handle how much I was hurting and was ready to fold in the towel. The pain I felt with missing you was almost to much to handle and I am so lucky. Have your daddy and his support. Today was a better day. I need to get ahold on my anxiety, it's going to destroy me. But today I was ready and prepared for it to be over. I accepted what it could be. Easier for me to expect your sibling to be alive and then find out this one is dead also. But today is a good day. I love you so much or helping me, I truly think that maybe you have a say and you want this also. I hope you do. Today I have more hope, today I feel human again. Tonight I cried a lot, but more tears in gratitude then sadness. Your dad even planned to start an hour late so he could be with me. That was nice, we got to eat dinner together on Thursday!

I love you so much and I wish everything that you were here for me to hold and thank.
Today is a good day, I will accept that and do my best not to listen to my fears!

CPR and another bad day.

Max im not doing well at all today. The whole day has been really hard. The only good part was not having to do car seats tonight. I honestly dont think I would have been able to handle it, because it took everything in me today to not cry at work or leave the room screaming.

I have concluded that this baby is no longer living. I know my anxiety and fear have lead me here before and I have been wrong. Well the thing is I dont think I have been wrong, its was bound to happen, just did not. I wish I could describe the despair I feel to someone. The feeling I get when I just know that the baby is no longer living. I know these things. This one, the one I wanted to be your sibling is not going to live. I beive it has all ready died sometime with in the last 7 days. I know that spider I saw did not kill the baby, but they have come to be a bad omen for me. Any sign I had of being pregnant I know longer, I had a strong gag reflex and vivid dreams, nothing now. I even took another pee test and it seems lighter then the last.  have I just dont understand why this always has to happen to me. What have I done so wrong that I cant have a baby. I talked to you yesterday out loud, and cried a lot. I asked you to let me have this, but I guess thats not up to you.
BUT the thing that bothers me the most was work today. I thought I was dealing ok, but maybe in all reality im not. I can not handle taking a CPR class with out my eyes filling with tears.

TOday at work, was really hard, I am dealing with the reality that tomorrow after work, I will learn out loud what I allready know. I had to take a CPR yearly training and I would not expect CPR to send me over the edge but it really did. we got in to learning about CPR on infants, and I almost lost it. the way they were talking about babys not being able to breath hurt me so bad. ANd then a bunch of people were making jokes out of the doll infant. The things they were saying, then having to practice CPR on that doll. Which I know is just a doll, but my eye were full of tears. All I could think about was you not breathing and your heart stoping. Someone said that most be the worst call ever, In my mind I wanted to scream at them, that they have no idea. Thinking about you dying and if you suffered from not breathing breaks me every time I think about. Max I wanted to run away and leave that room, I wanted to go someone were where I could be with you agian. Sometimes being at work is so hard. I really hate having to be there. Im just very grateful that a friend who does car seats took them for me tonight. I honestly dont know if I could have pulled it off today. I really am a mess. I hate this Max

Second half of the day

Hi Max baby, I'm still feeling pretty crappy. It's slowed down a little, but the cramps have not. I hate this. Today in general was a bad day at work. I broke our garage door where we move the inmates in and out with the prisoner van. Shut it because it was open and did not see the van that was coming through. The door broke pretty bad, they had to call people from Philadelphia to come fix it. I hate doing things wrong, or when they are my fault.

BUT despite my mood and this day, I had a great thing happen to me. Max I am still blown away by kindness and that people would want to be kind to me. I don't understand why , but at the same time beyond grateful. I don't want to say what, but someone said some of the kindest words to me to day. I should say more like offer. Somebody offered something to me, that wether or not it should ever happen means so much to me. That someone would give up there body for me. I'm hoping I never need her offer and I'm hoping Thursday proves me wrong again. I don't know what Shane would think, I don't know if he thinks someone can be this kind, just because. I think they can, it's just surprising it's towards me. A lot of things would have to happen, but it gives me a little glimmer of hope. Max baby I really need hope.

I'm tired and drained of everything. I want you back and I miss you. I know I can't have that, but I don't understand why my body won't let me carry another one. I hope tomorrow is better and but right now mostly I hope Thursday comes fast and is good.

I love you Max baby and I hope you know that!

Lots of bleeding.

Hi baby boy, im having a bad morning. Yesterday I was having hope that things would be ok, today I am back to having none at all. I had really bad night sweats and horrible dreams. But I woke upevery hour it seemed like to pee. I thought this was all a good sign. Because Sunday I had cramps all day and was feeling defeted, yesterday gave me hope. I felt sick and I liked it. But Max today Im back to the cramps and feel like this baby is dead also. When I got up for good, to get ready to work, I had lots of blood again. Its still real brown, but in my gut I know its not good. I have cramps again today plus this blood is stillcontinuing ( I just checked). Max I dont go back to the doctors untill Thursday and I dont feel like calling them again becuase of my fears. If this baby died waiting 2 days to find out wont change how I feel right now.

Max why cant I keep a baby. I really wanted you, I love you so much. you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was really hoping that you had a say in me getting to keep this one. I feel like a sad failure. Becasue I could not have you, will I never be able to have a living child. Is this my destiney, pregnancy and then death. I know I should not feel so defeated and morbid, but I am. Its hard to be positive when you wake up to wipe after wipe of brown stuff. Im trying to search myself for signs of pregnancy, but the only one I get is this nagging cramp, reminding me that I should never be hopefull because it most likely will never work out.

I really dont want to be at work. I want to be home, where i can just be and not have to interact or pretned to be ok. But of course no one knows so I just sit here and smile and joke, when really I want to cry and hide on the couch.

Max I wish I had some kind of reasurance that I can have this one. But instead I get sronger cramps. I think my answer is here.

Please let this be easy, let this be ok. I really need this. I feel like im falling apart in general, and now its worse. I wish i could beg and tell you i'll do or wont do something to be able to have this. I need this.
I need to stop writting becasuse I feel myself getting ready to cry, my eyes are full of tears. Its a good thing no one is bothering me right now.

Hi baby boy. I was not going to write tonight. Not sure why I was just going to skip it, but then I could not do it. I realize I have to write to you. Even though I don't have much to tell you. I still need to speak to you from my brain.
Today I had a thought that makes me feel like such an awful person. I know everyone is different and responds differently to things, but there was a person at work hysterically crying because there very old dog died. This is a person who won't even take the dog to the vets to get its nails cut, she says she let's them go because the vets are to much. Well she is hysterically crying. Even though I truly feel bad, I'm not an emotional personal at places like work. AND in my mean little mind I thought wow if your responding this way at work, good thing none of your kids have died. I feel really mean for thinking that, and I know that if Beanz died I would be lost, but right now for me nothing comes close to the pain of you dying. Is that mean of me baby? I truly do feel bad, at home i was tearing up thinking about it, I know she loved her old dog.

Other then this weird increasing social anxiety and dislike of being at my job, today was not so bad. I felt sick, and that was good, it's like one day I have hope the next I feel like its over.

I really love you, every day I think of you and miss you, but boy due I love you I heard the song that makes me think of you in a happy way. Thanks baby boy.

Emotional, books and the SPCA

Hi my little love, I was real emotional again today. These up and down feelings really stink. I'm so worried that this sibling I so badly want to give you is no longer alive. I can't stop thinking that way. But it's all based on reality, that's the hard part. I'm not being irrational it's all based on past experience. These cramps are getting to me so much and then the blood. Everything scares me, I have done this before. I'm trying real hard to stay ok. I also have been missing you a lot . My sadness had turned in to "what ifs" lately. Like what if you were here what would you be doing. What would you look like now? Where would you be developmentally right now. All those things I just can't stop thinking about. I wonder if my mind will ever not think about you. I hope not.

Max I was real emotional today. One of those moods were I don't want to get of the couch. I started a book today I read all day but then I had to stop and do something, when I got home I started reading again. Max I'm a fast reader and I read the whole book in one day.
It was very good and I downloaded the second book in the series to start tomorrow. I had to stop reading in the afternoon because I had to go to the SPCA for a orientation for volunteers. See Max before you were born I always said I wanted to do certain things, but never did. One of those things was being a volunteer with the animals. Well I never did it.even though I have a friend that does and I love, I always had something else to do and I was selfish. But you changed my life and made me better. I realize I need to do these things I say I want to do. You have made me a better person, and even though doggies have nothing to do with helping baby's I still do it for you, because of you!! You have changed me so much, and some of that change is for the good.

Love you

Hello baby boy! I wish I could ask questions and you answer. I would like to think when I write this that some how you can hear my thoughts. Even though I'm pretty sure that's not how it is. I sure wish it was though. I realize that writing to you is more for me. With all my wishes though, I wish you knew how much I love you.

We had to go to one of or Philadelphia Wings games tonight, it really has been the only social thing I do since you died. Most days I hate going and I go for your dad. Today there was this family with two little boys in the row in front of us. They were adorable and made me sad. Sad only because I was imagining what it you'll be like to have you that age at the games with us, as a family. I was missing you a lot today and your dad and I were talking about you. About how we both miss you. We talked about what your hair would be like . We both agreed that it would be curly and think like both of ours. I like when your daddy and I both talk about you together.

I love you Max baby, it's time to sleep. maybe I can dream about you, or see a toad like I did the other night. Last night I had a dream I was in labor but I woke up before I found out if the baby lived or died.

Well I love you Max, goodnight.

Hi beautiful baby boy. I'm very tired and very emotional tonight. I have had a lot of crying moments. There is nothing specific. I'm just full of tears. Your poor daddy I think he is emotional as well.
We watched the movie "Hugo" and it was very good baby boy. But again I cried a lot. I would think when you were old enough to see it, you would have loved it.Max I'm sorry this is short but I need to sleep. I'm not having a bad day I'm just sad and super tired.

I love you

Hi beautiful boy. Today was ok, I'm still super paranoid but dealing! Work today was ok except for a mid-day emotional surprise. I did not pack lunch so I went to a place in town to buy something healthy. I'm waiting in line and I see this VERY pregnant lady, I know her. We worked camp cadet together. In my head I was like please don't notice me!! Over and over. I know she is aware of what happened and I did not want to look at her ace or see her perfect 38 week belly ( I know because of Facebook) well she did as anything but the other guy she was with, another state trooper that I worked with said "hey Cpl.Campos" damn I guess my pretending I was invisible did not work. At least he is not pregnant! Thankfully he asked me generic question, asked me how work is and if I plan on coming back to camp cadet. It was ok, but I could not look at the girl. I hope she does not think I was being rude. I hope she understands, she is very aware of what happened. Max baby is it mean of that I wanted to tell her not to get excited, that she might not be taking her little girl home. Those are the thoughts now, when someone is super pregnant. Thank goodness, not everyone knows this feeling. I just wish I was innocent in my thinking.

Max I love you. I hope i get to keep this sibling for you. I'm so worried. Of course your daddy, Beanz and I were throwing the lacrosse ball ( one of my favorite stress relievers) and Beanz got in the way and the ball hot me in my belly. It stung pretty bad. So of course I'm very worried that I hurt your sibling. Your dad was to, but he assured me that right now the uterus is below the pelvic bone. I was hit above.

Tomorrow is friday! I have 7 more days until I can make sure your sibling is still alive. I hope your not mad at me for having another baby in my belly. I hope not. I hope I get to have you as my own personal guardian angel.
I really love you baby boy. Today I was calmer and I appreciate it.