It's still November.....(Day 97)

Hi baby boy. Im sorry I did not write much to you. My morning was busy, but that’s still no excuse. I have been lucky, in the sense that I can write you early every morning when Im at work.

Max I miss you and I feel so guilty for things. I feel so very guilty that I am about to start medication again to maybe try to have a second child and a sibling for you. I start the shots tomorrow. I think im doing the right thing, but at the same time it feels wrong. I think I just feel guilty. It’s also hard that I have no control over the out come. We have 8 frozen embryos, that seems like a lot but all 8 could decided they don’t want to divide. I have no control over any of it other then taking medication. It’s scary. The transfer if all the hormones and levels turn out ok it looks like I would be having the transfer somewhere between my birthday and Christmas. Between the 18^th and the 25^th. I hope it turns into a good thing. At least I don’t have to worry about getting sick like last time.

Max I worry that you may think, I don’t love you or that I have forgotten. That will never happen. I actually fear this will make missing you even worse. Remind me of everything that was so wonderful with you. Max I told you before I wanted babies back to back. I just had planned on you being alive. I did not think this decision would be so hard. But that was all changed.

There is this terrifying fear, and this hopeful feeling all at the same time. Will I be able to handle it, if it does not work? Will it contribute to my fear that I will never be a mom. (to a living baby) That the lies I told about not wanting children will become my destiny. Then if it does work, can I handle being pregnant. Well yes, I just mean emotionally. I was joking with your daddy the other night and said that if your sibling should be a boy we will name him Beau Bubba Brant that way he has to stay alive. He needs to grow up and hate us for the name. Your name was perfect; there would be no reason to hate it. But maybe if we name our next child a name they will dread they will stay alive. (By the way Beau is my awful middle name, that I grew to like and Bubba is what your daddy’s dad called him and what he called his father. It was an inside thing between the two of them).

Max I hope you don’t feel like I will love you less and less. Max most days I feel like I have to do this. I cant just stop with you. Its also seems to be the only thing that gives me hope. The hope that came from you. Its what keeps me together. People say im strong, but Max I have no choice. I don’t like failing, I don’t quit, I don’t give in. BUT If I did not have you, If you did not show me this unique love. If I never heard your cry, felt you move. There is something you gave me, something that even though your not here it can never be taken away. You gave me a strength I never knew I had . Yes I feel weak and unsure of my self. But that’s different you gave me some internal light. If you did not give me that, I think I would have folded and gave up. Some days I don’t do well. But Im still fighting. Max I have this connection to you that most people cant understand or think im nuts. Some days I want to go to sleep and never wake up, but those are just fleeting thoughts of me missing you and thinking that will get me there. But it wont. The only thing I can do is fight. Life has not killed me yet, and maybe it should have. Max when I was in high school I had a part of my throat come out, from all the puking and ipecac . I have been in situations where most people don’t come out of emotionally. Things people will struggle with there whole life and never move on or be ok. Max Im here, and kicking. You dying put me in a dark place, but from the beginning I knew I was not getting stuck, I knew you would not be the reason of my demise. I knew from the very beginning that you were to important. That’s why baby I decided to call a therapist and go to the group. Max you are everything to me even though you are not here.

I day dream a lot, that’s just my nature. I imagine your sibling playing with an imaginary friend (but its you) I know your going to be with us. We will always at least be a family of 3. Maybe I could just pretend you are away in another country learning there world. Well you sort of are I guess.

Max I have been in so many situations lately where I want to just say I was pregnant and had a baby. I know its inappropriate, people will be in shock when I then say OH by the way I don’t have him. But why can’t I say I was pregnant and I had this amazing beautiful boy, his name is Max, I just was unable to keep him. He was just here to show me love and hope. Is it socially inappropriate to be like oh ya my baby died when there is a conversation about kids? The funny part is I tend to be the one that speaks before my brain can stop me. Why did I hold back from telling people that I was pregnant with a perfect boy? Maybe it just hurts me to much. Maybe I still wish you were here, like it’s still this bad dream. Its sleep paralysis or something. I cant move, but when its over I will learn it was all a bad, bad nightmare.

Max I feel like November is so long. I wish it were over all ready.

Max I had a Deputy run out and get coffee. I promise when you were in me I only drank decaf. Coffee is warm, and comforting no matter if it is regular or decaf. I love them both the same.

Well I need to do some computer type work. I love you so much, it hurts.