3:00am Hey baby, no toads tonight.... Tonight was interesting. I thought I was doing ok, and then all of a sudden while driving to Atlantic city for the concert I started crying. Something hit me and I was crying again. I just keep thinking we should have a baby sitter, or I should not want to be leaving the house because I should be taking care of you. Your dad reminded me that I cant keep living with how things should have been and live with now! When we got to AC we decided to go walk the boardwalk and beach. Max baby I put your name in the sand, then your dad put all of our names in the sand. Max I brought you back a seashell. The ocean was so beautiful to just stand there and look at. I was hoping you were there with me. The beauty in this huge body of water is amazing. It made me sad also. It was like a calm sadness. I could not go on my walk tonight were, I talk to you. But the neat part was even at the beach I was able to see the clouds and the sunset. I knew you were there. I took pictures for you baby boy. Your dad and I grabbed a quick bite of food, which I did not want to eat. Me being all emotional started crying a few times at dinner, for no reason other then I missed you and felt weird like I was doing something wrong again. We started talking about in the future giving you a sibling but the fear of something going wrong is so overwhelming. Max I was expecting to not do so well during the concert. I had my moments, but it was better then I thought. Its amazing how music can make you feel all kinds of emotions. They did not play a few of the songs that I was worried would make me sad . Strangely I started crying really bad, the worst of the night during a song that would never have before made me cry. The good thing was that it was dark and loud so know one knew. Max they played the song that was to your memorial video. Hearing it did not bother me that much, I think because the words to "slow motion" are so fucked up, but the actually music is beautiful. The lyrics have nothing to do with losing you other then something so beautiful can be so messed up at the same time.
Music can make you feel things, they can trigger something and its ok. When i hear a song and start crying its ok, well I tell myself its ok. Max baby by the time the concert was over I was ready to run away. I had enough and my missing you was bursting out of me. Having to drive 2 hrs home was hard. Your dad needed to sleep, it was raining and I keep thinking about you. Im sad and a little agitated now. Im home and in bed, your not. I cant sleep like always . I feel really low tonight. Im happy your dad and I went out, In my head I know it was alright to do but still I feel wrong about it. I am emotional drained and overwhelmed with life tonight. Maybe I will get some sleep and meet you in my dreams.
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