Hi baby boy, its almost 11am. We got up around 9:30 but now your dad is sleeping on the couch. You sure do have some lazy parents. Its really nice outside today. I should be out there. I will later. Right now Im just being lazy!!! Even the dog is still sleeping. Max I had really weird sleep again. I had a hard time staying asleep. I woke up to so many weird dreams. I don't remember much, about them. I wish I did though. I wake up feeling so bothered every time. I wish I could dream about you. Max I feel bad that Im mean to my mom. Why do I feel the need to make sure she is ok. She is needy and needs attention. I just dont want to deal with it. If I ask her if she is ok, then I wont be able to leave it at that. Here I go being selfish again. You were my baby not hers. You were just an idea to her (well thats what I tell myself) . As mean as it sounds I wish that when I get pregnant again I could just move away and then come back if the baby is born. I kind of just want to get up and move. Run away. Be my avoiding self. But I guess I cant just get up and leave can I. But either way she is my mom, and I feel bad for her. I just cant handle her emotional needs. But I should not be this way, I could lose my mom in an instant. I could lose everyone in an instant.
Max Im ok today, but Im agitated. I hate theses feelings of agitation I get. I think part of it is also that im so bored. Internally bored. I cant focus and my mind races a million miles a minute. I know I should take the ADD medication, but I just dont want to. I know it will help my focus, but what I did not focus on. who cares if I dont do anything. Max i dont mean for this to sound bad, but there is no need for me to take it most days.
Max baby I told you im ok today, well right now yes im ok. I can accept that and go with it. I do wish your dad would get his butt up though! Maybe I should go make some coffee. Max our house is such a mess, we have no food in the house because I hate food shopping. ha ha but I dont care that much. I did do laundry yesterday and we mowed the grass. Maybe Ill drive to WAWA and get some coffee since we are all out here.
Max i love you, wishing you were here on this nice fall day. Oh my little love, I think its finally to cold for the toads to come out of hiding. Am I going to see you in other ways. Will the toads show up in different forms. How will I know?
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