6pm Well Max the sadness is coming back. I was relived for a little while. It started when your dad said, we need the carpets washed. Well in my mind I was planning to do that for you, so they were nice and clean for you to lay on. It was going to be done soon after you were born. Now I could care less if they are ever clean. Then all these fall things are making me said. I was so looking forward to Halloween with you Max. Oh well. You dad and I went for a run together that was fun. Monkey that cat we put him on the leash so he could go out back with Beanz, he had so much fun. That cat sure thinks he is a dog though! Max baby I invited Dallas over tonight. I thought it would be good. I was feeling good about it earlier today. Now im getting anxious, I think because im just getting sad. I always change my mind, and back out of things. The good thing is, it does not matter that my house is a mess, and I have not showered, or brushed my hair. She official will be the first person invited over. (Dallas I know you read this so, im sorry nothing is towards you just my normal backing out anti-social behavior that you know and love so well!!!). Sometimes I only want to just be with you dad. I dont have to entertain her though, she is ok with sitting on my couch with Beanz and the kitty both sitting on her. Max baby im getting sad again, I hate how it comes on so strong. One little thing can bother me. I also so pictures of an adorable baby that is the same age as you. Born the same time. Makes me miss you, more then my everyday missing you. MAx baby my sister texted me to say she is going to my moms tomorrow and wants to drop off a picture of the baby, and is that ok. WEll I said yes, BUT no thats not ok. I dont want to see pictures of her. Max I feel like such a bad person that I love all of my nieces/nephew so much. I actually really miss them, especially Mea's infectious smile and all there funny laughs and hugs. But I just dont want to see the baby or my family. Just the kids. That is a little silly of me. . But I said yes to my sister. How can I tell her no, for wanting to give me a picture. Sounds innocent enough-right. Max baby maybe I wont be home. Anyway Ill deal with it. Ill get over it.
Maybe I should drink for the first time in a long time tonight. Max baby your mom is not much of a drinker, I have a need to be in control, plus its wasted calories but tonight may be a time to drink if I was going to. Na I wont, it was just a passing thought. I dont like getting drunk, plus I think it will either make me real happy OR real sad. I cant handle the real sad. Max I love talking to you. I just wish it was not going from my head out my fingers. I wish you really were here and I was actually talking to you. Im getting real blaaaa but im still hanging on to hope baby.
(by the way I hope it is not cold where you are, because it is making my whole body hurt. I hope winter goes by fast)
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