Off to work I go...Day 48

Good morning baby. Its 5:40 and im up and functioning. Normal this would be a time were im tossing and turning. I just wanted to say hi before I leave for work and wanted to tell you I love you. Im a little anxious but doing ok actually. I think the emotions will flood in when I get there. I took one of my Add pills, so that it can help me focus at work. you dad says I do better when I take them. :)
Max baby I did to continue to get ready but I love you and will talk to you soon. (not sure if I can get on this site at work)

9:23am

Hey baby so far not so bad. It’s weird wearing the vest again and all the gear but not so bad. It is nice having something to do though. So far it is not that bad. My mind is wondering with trying to remember what it should. I feel in a fog but even still its not so bad.

Well its suprising the amount of things I remembr. I also had to pat down a new commit and I have not done that since I went on light duty about 7mounths ago. Lets just hope I did it all right. The day is really slow and I dont know if that is good or bad. I guess good for the transtion back but bad for the mind. Down time is never good.

11:15 still here.....

1:14  Hey Max my mind is now starting to wonder and drift away. Its weird, im ok and its not as bad as I anticipated. But I think becasue the day is so slow im feeling blaaaaaa and a little low. Just almost like im off or out of place. Right now I fear leaving the building and having to see people.  I came in this morning before any one got here. I dont even like leaving to go the bathroom. Overall its not so bad. I think next month when Im no longer in the comfort of hiding in the basement is when im going to have the most trouble. Max baby I love you.

4:32 Hey baby I was fine all day until I was done, until I got in my car and then started the emotional melt down. I felt like it took me forever to get home. Its hard baby because all day I had to contain my self and honestly I was ok. But then it just hit me, the waterworks  started . When I got home I just wanted to be alone but was unable to. I went in the back yard and played with Beanz. He is always a great distraction for me. Max im so sad right now, its just this low that I cant seem to make better. My day was not bad Max, smoother then I expected. But so emotional now. Max baby I will do my best always to contain myself at work. I had things to focus on, and I took the Add medication so my mind did not day dream as much as normal. That helped, but now not so much at all.  Its amazing how much missing you is so emotional draining and how much work it is to stay ok. Grief is hard, hard work my little love.  I wish this sadness would not be so overwhelming. Its the kind that makes you want to hide in bed and not face the world. (does not help that its cold) . Im just  in a low now and wish this saddness was not so controlling. A run might help but im to cold and unmotivated to get outside. Maybe later.

8:30
Hey my little love, im in a little better mood then earlier. I put two sweatshirts on and took Beanz for a long walk. I was lucky enough to see the sunset start. The sky is always amazing, better then yesterday evening with the gray sky. Max baby there were no Toads tonight again and i feel empty with out you. Im going to head to bed now my little love. Thanks for staying with me for 41 weeks and 2 days.