Some are born with more
and some born with less
so don't take for granted
the life we've been blessed
it's hard to understand
that we're only a guest
and each one of us
shall be put to life's test
and some born with less
so don't take for granted
the life we've been blessed
it's hard to understand
that we're only a guest
and each one of us
shall be put to life's test
(Ben Harper)
Well baby I did as best as I could try! There were some pretty low parts in the day, but I tried to be positive. Its weird because I dont feel like talking anymore. Its crazy how much you say during the day that really means nothing at all. Its crazy how when something HUGE happens it changes your perspective on EVERYTHING. Or is it just that im not happy. Do happy people talk about mindless things, because there brains are not full of sorrow. Max baby I used to be so much better at navigating life. But i think, that if I had not been challenged so much before in life, If i had not had to deal with trauma, with more challenges that most, If I had not learned how to survive, I dont think I could make it through losing you. I have learned to adapt on several occasions. I hate that stupid saying "your a survivor" when someone tries to tell you how strong you are. How about how do you keep going-WEll because I have no choice. Its either sink or swim. Max baby I hate not being able to breath, so I have to figure out how to swim. I know I will face more challenges as life goes on, life is not an easy road. BUT losing you has been harder then anything I have ever faced. Harder then growing up with a drunk, then being abused for 8 years by close family, then feeling second best to my dad's side of the family, then living with an eating disorder for 17 years, then living with someone with mental illness, then never seeming like I can focus, then finding out your sisters were abused by another family member while another one shielded me, then never feeling good enough,pretty enough, smart enough, then dealing with death of close family, my grandmother the greatest lady-NOTHING comes close to the pain/emptiness/complete sadness I feel from losing you. No of those things killed me, maybe they were preparing me to deal with this. Max baby this is killing me (not in the actually sense, but emotional ). But baby boy Im not dead yet, Im still swimming this is the hardest fight of my life. You were worth it all. Well I made it till now, before I started to cry. But its ok.
Max If I never get to be a mom again, I am honored I got to be yours. I have so many fears that I will never be a mom again (to a living baby) All my life Max I said I was not having kids, did not want them. If I did I was going to adopt, so I would not get fat. Max I knew I did. I always wanted kids. I was just not letting anyone know. Maybe I knew somehow I would never be able to have living babys. Maybe I always knew my fate. Then you came a long, the best thing in my life........well you died. Is this my fate.
I think I told you before how I drew pictures all the time of a pregnant figure, I never understood why then, but I guess I knew my fate as a teenager before I knew I did! I will see if I can find them for you.
Max the funny thing is im still positve. I loved/love you! I dont quit, I never have. Max you are my fight now. I went for a run/walk with Beanz and then did a real short run on my own. But Max baby I ran the whole time. It may not have been far, but I was not stopping. Max im not stopping with you either.
Maya Angelou
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