Hi baby boy. Sorry I was crabby, this morning. I just did not want to be at work. I like work, and I like who I work with, I just dont want to be there anymore. I wish I could just start over. I feel so different then who I used to be. I wish I could change what I do again. Maybe I will go back to mental health (probaly not, Unless I go back to school Im going to never going to be satisfied in a BA level job) Max Ijust need to get over the fact that I need to adjust and figure out how to manage. Max baby I actually am in an ok mood, I feel a lot better then when I did this morning. I think it did help that I was very busy at work. The busiest its been since I went back to work. The lack of down time, distracted my mind. I think it helped. Max I still dont know when we are meeting with the doctors to go over the autopsy, but I want to have every detail. Why is it that I want answers so much, but those answers bother me so much. Max I met with the fertility people today. Its official I put everything on hold for now. THere will not be a transfer until december. I think I made the right choice. ha ha if you have a way of telling me other wise you should do so now, my little love! Max im so worried that what happened to you can happen again. THe sad part is we will have no way of detecting it until after your sibling is born and weather they die or not. No amount of fetal monitoring is going to detect it. Max baby you were so special you were actually rare! I always new your were special though. Max i wish I could have kept you attached to me I could carry you around while the umbilical cord is still connected. I would have kept you alive. Max I think people would have found that strange! Max I need to stop thinking so much. I have that things came back, I have that they know you had severe pulmonary hypertension, What she was not telling me was why. Well She told me, but left so many things out, until we meet with the pathologist. Should I find comfort in being told that she never saw this so severe in her over 20 years of being a NCIU doctor. No I dont think so. I just hope when they explain every little detail I will have an answer for everything. Max I wish my placenta did not fail you in the end. even though this sounds like it did not help your situation, but also did not hurt.. It sounds like you did not have a chance, no matter how perfect you looked and how great your apgar scores work. You were going to die, you just decompensated rapidly. Max I know what its like not being able to breath. I hope it was fast and that you had no fear. The older you get the more you develop awareness of things like fear. I hope you had no idea what was happening. I hope you did not feel like you were suffocating. I hope you did not feel your heart stop. I hope you just closed your eyes and went to the clouds.
I need to stop speculating and well stop thinking. I need to calm my mind. I will have the right to do this after we actually sit down and meet with all the doctors involved. But for now I need to relax and forget I got the phone call and forget what I know until everything is more definite and defined better.
Max on my way home the sky was amazing. I think it was you. The clouds were big and puffy in some spots. Long and rippling in others. Then there was this bright spot that would shine through. I love talking to you when I look in the sky. Max I also love writing you, I feel like your the best friend I could ever have. I can tell you anything, you listen no matter what. If only you had computer access in heaven.
Your dad and I were talking about the pictures of you alive. Its so strange how much you look just like your grandpop (your dad's daddy. ) Its so strange. Maybe somewhere up there new you were going to die. Maybe someone knew how much he was missing his dad. He died the month before we did the ivf. Maybe you coming out looking exactly like him was a way to say things are ok. ha ha even your little baby chest looks just like his. Max Im glad you looked like him. Your dad told me the first time he saw you that was the first thing that went through his head. In his mind he said "bubba" thats what he called his dad. So maybe there was a reason why you looked just like him.
Max Im going to stop now. I could write to you on and on. Sometimes its to hard to write to you, and I get so sad. Other times talking to you makes me feel so much better and I dont want to stop.
Well baby its one of those nights I dont want to stop......... I love you, my little love. Thanks for being my everything.
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