Max baby I went for a long walk with your dad and Beanz, I then came home and went for a run. Of course the run, stunk! I love running but Im so out of shape. It makes me feel worse that I suck at something I used to be good at. It still felt good to run, but just not productive. The thing that was great about it was the sky. I feel like if the toads go away because of the cold weather, I still have the big giant sky to look at and wish you were up there. The sky was extra beautiful today. I said your name out loud, I wonder if you could hear me.
Max I feel so weak without you.
I actaully made dinner for myself tonight (well if using the microwave and george forman counts) I need to start eating better. I wish I could completly get rid of processed foods. Its crazy how much bad things there are in foods. There is so much I put into my body that could have killed you.
Max I was telling your daddy that I thought it was strange that when I was pregnant with you I hardly ever needed my inhailer, now that im not I need it all the time. I cant breath.
Max please dont be mad at me for wanting to be pregnant again.
Max I decided to send my dad a text message because we never talk. I wish I had a better relationship with him, and all my other siblings. He said he was at church and asked me if Im going to church, I said no. He told me I must be joking. I asked him why do I need to go to church to pray. I thought he was everywhere and besides I have not been in much of a mood to go to church. Well that was the end of the conversation. This was from early afternoon.
Max i love you. I was sent a really cool story from the support group leader from the remembrance service on infant and pregnancy loss awarness day. (yesterday). I think it is a really pretty story.
Dragonfly
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was gone forever. Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, she was determined that she would not leave forever. She would come back and tell her friends what she had found at the top. When she reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, she was tired, and the sun felt so warm, that she decided she must take a nap. As she slept, her body changed and when she woke up, she had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying. So, fly she did! And, as she soared she saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what she had ever known existed. Then she remembered her beetle friends and how they were thinking by now she was dead. She wanted to go back and tell them, and explain to them that she was now more alive than she had ever been before. Her life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, her new body would not go down into the water. She couldn't not get back to tell her friends the good news. Then she understood that their time would come, when they too, would know what she now knew. So, she raised her wings and flew off into her joyous new life!
Max I liked that story. I like reading things like that. I read some cool native american fables with toads. I will have to find them for you tomorrow. Max I LOVE you so much. This week is going to busier at work so maybe that will help my mood. I love you, and hope to find you in my sleep tonight. Im all ready dreading back to work tomorrow, but I should not fall into that kind of thinking. Max baby I miss you. Hope you are well, and surrounded by love.
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