Today is the day we officially find out why... (Day 72)

Hey my love. My mind is going from racing back and forth with so many anxieties and thoughts. Then im just overwhelmed with the idea of being faced with what happened to you. This work day is going to go by so slow and then all of a sudden it’s going to be time to meet with the doctors. I wish I had an off button. I wish I could just shut of the sadness and anxiety. But I cant, so I must deal with it!
I am so anxious for today, and then im bothered in general that my mom and her fiancé both asked if we wanted to go to dinner Friday night. NO, I don’t want to. But how long can I keep going with out doing things with them. I know they need it, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want them to ask about you Max and if we know anything yet. It’s weird because Im going to be ok telling people about what happened, I just don’t want to talk about it with them. Why does that stress me out so much? I asked your dad that question last night. Also your dad asked me yesterday if we can do Thanksgiving at his mom's house because we have never done it there. Well he has a point. But Max the problem is I don’t want to do any holidays at all this year. I just want to stay home. Also even though I only want to be around my nieces and nephew, if I had to be somewhere I would rather it be at my mom’s because its what im used to. Why am I so complicated? Why can I just skip everything? We should go to your dad's. There will be less questions and looks overall I think. Then this weekend is Halloween. I have all ready planned that I will be turning all the lights off and hang out in the basement. I wish I was not bothered by all these silly things.
I miss you and nothing seems right anymore.  All I want to do is go to bed so I can wake up to a new day. When I wake up im ok, then as the day starts it set’s in that my world is not the same, not how I think it should be. So then I start to figure out what I HAVE to do and then plan on going to bed, to try again the next day. Max some days are ok and it seems like im doing better at moving through the day. But I feel like my sadness is also growing deeper, and each day seems longer (even though I go to bed earlier). It’s weird how things feel like harder even though Im better at pretending things are ok. The further time gets the more things seem to be setting in. I was never in shock, in the sense of not believing it, but maybe now that my life really does have to continue is what’s getting to me. I feel like winter is coming on strong and is going to be hard. Its all ready dark and cold. Things are not growing, everything looks dead, your toads are underground hibernating and soon there will be no life outside-that I can see. Max I need you. I know you are gone from my world, but I need you to not go away. I need you to stay around.
Work is back to being slow right now. It’s now 10am four more hours until I leave and go meet with the doctors. Max baby your dad took off work tonight, I asked him to. I think he knows that im going to need to process all the information with him. Plus I know I would not be able to work right after the meeting, and neither would he. He is stressed out enough as it is.
Max I love you. Thinking about going to this meeting is turning my insides all around, and im so anxious. But at the same time, I feel like going to hear all the information is somehow going to bring you to me again. Even just for a moment. There going to have slides from your organs and views of your cells. Pictures of your body. Even though im sure I won’t see them, just knowing that somehow makes me near you again. Strange I know.
Max I should pretend like Im focused on work. Maybe If I just sit here and stare at the screen..............
I love you baby. Things are going to be ok, my wedding ring fits again. That’s a good thing.