We have power!!! Hey Max baby its 2am and I woke up to the power on, so i could not go back to sleep until I sent you what I wrote all weekend . I love you.
Saturday morning day 74
Hey love im sorry I did not write you sooner. I have been lazy your dad and I did not get out of bed until 11! Max its snowing. Even though I really dont like the snow and the cold weather, this would have been your first snow and that makes me sad for us. Anyway your dad and I did not want to get out of bed. He was sleeping the whole time. I was mostly awake it was just warm in there and the dog was not bothering me. We finally got up because the Beanz dog started to wine. He seems to decide when we need to get out of bed. I decided we should drive in the snow to Wawa for some coffee. Sure I could make some at home, but I wanted a big cup of the pumpkin spice coffee. I make coffee all the time at home but there is something about going to Wawa and getting it. Max the only good thing about this snow is it gives me and excuse to hibernate at home under the covers. Even Beanz is extra calm. As much as I hate snow, because its not supposed to snow yet, its seems ok. Max I must admit I was not expecting all this snow. To bad this is not happening monday and then maybe less kids would come to our house. But I guess thats not fair to all of them.
Max baby today is a perfect coffee and under the covers day. Max Im even hungry for something warm. Maybe its a grill cheese and coffee day.
Max I feel ok today. Which I find strange because normal days like this I get crabby because I really hate the cold snowy weather. Normal I cant stand being confined in a space, But I feel ok.
Max I miss you so much. i found out that one of my sisters from my dad is pregnant again (well I knew for a while) but she is thinking of naming him Nathan. I really like that name but all I say in Nathan was your middle name Athan. Max its ok, it just made me miss you as soon as I saw that. But Max all I could see was Athan. I know as your mom I should like your name, but I really LOVE your name it took us a long time with names. Max your dad and I are huge Philadelphia Wings fans, and the first season with Athan Iannucci I told your dad that we are naming are first born after him. Max I was not serious, at the time I promise. I Just made it clear to your dad that he was my sports crush, also that season he was amazing. Had the league record in goals. ANYWAY baby years later it became your name. Both your dad and I really liked the name Athan. Mainly because its not really a name, its just in Nathan and Jonathan (his real name is Jonathan). We both liked it. Max was always on my list of favorites, and then we both agreed that its who you were. You were MAX ATHAN. Max I was so excited for this year taking you to the Wings game. We always have season tickets. This was going to be your first season. It would have been great timing you would have been 5/6 months you would have been old enough to go and be dressed up in Wings gear. I dont want to think about going with out you. THe people that sit in front of us, are also season ticket holders and they knew you would be coming with us this year. They knew you were a boy. Oh well though right, I cant change it. Well all that was basically about me seeing your middle name inside Nathan, which made me sad and then I decided to tell you about how you got your name. I think names are so important for people. It becomes who they are. I wonder who you would have become. Max when I was young I hated my name! Suzanne Beau. Who has a middle name of BEAU. Also my whole time growing up there was only 2 Suzanes in the district. The other one was older then me. Max, now I love my name. I am a suzanne and get mad when people call me Susan, I also love that my middle name is Beau. Its different. But it took me until late high school/college to like it. Its also became my nickname Sue-beau. Names become who you are. My family and close friends call me Shue, all because my oldeset niece could not say Suzanne or sue so it turned in to Shue. Now Shue-beau. Max I wonder what you would have thought of your name. Would you like it. Would you like the Wings, or hate that I named you after a lacrosse player. I wonder what nicknames would have been created for you. Who would you have become. Who would you be?
Max im sorry I always go on and on. I just always want to tell you everything. Things you would have found out if you were here. I wish you could know us. I wish you could meet, everyone. I wish I could tell you about your name in person. Tell you about how your daddy and I met. Tell you about how we got all of the animals. How Beanz was a trial run, and how he was a chin biter. I wish i could tell you how your aunts and I tortured each other and how I was the oldest but looked like the youngest. How we fought all the time but still like each other. I wish your dad could teach you how to throw baseballs and ride dirt bikes, and I could teach you how to run and play lacrosse. I wish for an awful lot don’t I. Well Max we just lost power, good thing I was typing on a word doc (your dads idea, because we lost cable once all ready due to the snow). We have power again. Silly snow. Its going to be a sucky winter if this October snow storm turns power off.
Max I love you so much, So far I feel ok today. I just want to talk to you and miss you. I think I also feel bad that your dad I wont get to share our life with you. I guess you dont know what your missing, this is my issue. I know what im missing. Maybe its me being selfish. Its all my wants. Maybe I should stop thinking about what I lost. Max baby even though your not here I have so much! I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and remember that.
(we lost power again!) I wont be able to send this you until later
well Max 2 hours later we still have no power. I went outside and took some pictures of the first snow for you. Max baby I love pictures so much. I went through them this afternoon because we have no power and your dad feel asleep. I thought about giving you pictures of your dad and I growing up. So you can see us, and then see the way were are together. How we would be with you. Max I found a picture of my belly the very first time I was pregnant in 2006, I think belly pictures are a curse. If I get pregnant again, no more belly shots! But Max from day one your dad and I thought you looked like his daddy, and you still do. But I came across a picture of when I was first born and in the incubator and you look just like me. I woke your dad up to show him! Its freaky, how much you look like that picture but how at the same time you look like you dad’s daddy. Its so neat how that can be. Max you have my eye shape so much and that silly furrowed brow of mine, where I look like im thinking or troubled when Im happy. Your dad tells me all the time to stop furrowing my brow but I guess its just part of me and now part of you. Max its so cold in here. Its crazy how quiet it gets when power goes out. How used to it I am. Another thing to remind me of how lucky I still am, even though Im missing you so much. Looking at pictures made me happy and sad. I wish I was able to show them all to you. Maybe when we get power again, ill scan some to give to you.
Max im dirty, i did not shower yesterday because I could not get myself motivated, of course I want to shower now and I cant because of the lack of power (we have well water) It seems to be getting colder and colder also. If you were here, you would have to be wrapped in lots of blankets and tucked away in my arms. We cant turn the heat on, because of the power thing! Its these quiet days that I think of you, but its ok. Today my thinking is good, its not overwhelming. Its almost like because everything is so quiet I can feel you with me more. Or maybe you can here me better. Even though I hate the cold and snow there is something amazing with nature. something bigger then me, Maybe your up there dry and warm watching down. Maybe some how you and mother nature are in on this together watching everyone. Listening to everyone now that the world seems quiet. The sound of the snow/rain, the trees blowing and leaves hitting the window are peaceful. Sounds you dont here as loud when power is running through the house. The power can be a distraction from the bad and the good. I can hear the cat playing louder and making hunting noise. I heard a plan landing earlier, because the rest of the sound is gone. Its neat how sometimes the sounds from that little county airport drift up to us. I can here the trucks from the truck depot. I can hear the wind from the high and low trees. I can hear my typing and I can hear my thoughts to you louder. I always had super human hearing but today I can hear all the things you dont listen to. There is a weird beauty in that, listening to whats around me. Paying attention to everything bigger then me.
MaxI hope your up there running and playing with all the other babys, I hope your having fun making it snow. Max does mother nature have a face, what does she look like. Is she really a she? Do you see her. Ha ha it would be kind of funny if you were all up in the big sky making all this happen.
Max a big black bird is standing on the road, pecking at the ground. I wonder what’s there for him. He was a big guy, he just flew away. It really seems lifeless out side but I guess there is still life.
Max im worried about the tree we planted for you. Its just a little tree. What if he cant make it. Your dad told me before that it will lose its leaves and look dead, but it will come back like all the other trees. But Max its just a little one. Not only is it a baby tree but its also a dwarf. Its a Dwarf Japanese red maple, with little red leaves. Max you can see it from your room, but not today. Im worried about him, out there. Maybe I should have covered him. I thought about it, but I did not think it would get this cold so fast. Max I hope he does not die, he is your tree. Maybe it is like someone told me, that life does continue in the winter and that the beauty in trees is that they get striped down, lose there leaves but that they can handle it and they will come back. Its true, thats the great thing about winter turning into spring, everything seems reborn. I hope your tree can withstand the winter, its just a little tree. You were little and stopped growing, I know your not coming back in the spring. Im just really hoping that you will breath new life into your tree and it will grow for you. I miss the toads, that I know where from you. I hope they are sleeping and are staying warm. Maybe when the darkness is over, I will see them again. Crazy how much you made me love them toads. Who every thought I would love toads, like I do. I love animals and all kids of furry creatures (not furry spiders at all though!!! ) but Max toads! ha ha you could have sent me rabbits and kittens, but no Toads are what I associate to you. I love you. Max I wonder if toads and frogs can be in the same category, I read that in many cultures they used to view frogs as a sign of fertility. Well we dont have many frogs around here, just toads. Maybe it your way of telling me your going to have brothers or sisters. Or that maybe your with all the babys that started in me but had to stop. All of them where just tadpoles, they probably did not even look like a baby when they left me. Max im rambling again. Its just all I have to do is sit here and type to you. Its all I want to do. I want to believe you can here me.
Ha by the time I send this up to you, its going to be like 10 pages. You can thank the power being out for that. Max I told 2 people I would go to dinner tonight. Its ok, the one is super calming and the only person I have gone out with since you died actually. One of those people im ok with and don’t get stressed around, the other friend you would also love. She is funny and loves rescuing dogs. Both don’t have any babies so, talking about there kids wont come up. So I should be ok. Max im going to have to go looking worse then I have been feeling. (the no shower thing) At least I dont smell!!! I have curly frizzy hair, so it looks like it always does, Ill be the only on that knows im shower-less. Silly well water! But I guess, if we did not have the well, we would only have cold water, because of the power being out and NO WAY baby could I take a cold shower. Maybe Ill leave early so I can drive in my car and watch the world- plus there is heat in there :)
Max I need to stop for now, because my fingertips are freezing and the computer battery is dying. I know I will need to type to you later, so I should save it just in case the power stays off. Soon I will send this up to you. Get ready to read!
Hey my little love, its 1105 pm and we still dont have any power. Its really cold in this house. But I feel like Beanz, your dad and I are camping! We just got back from driving to Wawa so I could get some more coffee (decaf I promise) and then to walmart to buy a battery lantern. Max Im glad I turned the computer off earlier so I could type to you later. You dad is reading right now and we buried the dog in blankets. Max my afternoon, was interesting. I still went out to dinner and it was ok I guess, Ill tell you about that soon. But I left real early because I was not sure how the roads would be, and I was cold and bored with out power (im addicted to stimulation) So I walked around KOP until it was time. Max I saw a lot of toads/frogs when I was walking around. It was fun! Places I did not think they should be. I saw this big one made out of recycled metal. I saw one made out of glass. I saw a toad piggy bank. I saw some stuffed toad/frog animals also. I wonder did I only see these things because im more aware now what toads mean to me, or was it somehow you allowing me to see them. To be honest, its crazy how much more your aware of something once it has importance. Its crazy how much is in front of us that we never pay attention to. When I was there waiting to go to the restaurant I dont know why, but I decided to walk into a toy store. I saw these little tiny toads. They are so small I can put it in my pocket. I bought 2 one for me and one for your dad. They are TINY just like you! It was a really nice thing, to put that little toad in my pocket! Well Max then it was time for diner, I was not that hungry. It was ok but I realized I will never be the same. Or at least not for a long time. i feel so different. I can pretend all I want, but the way I feel inside is awful. Right across from me was a little baby, the car seat was with them in the stroller. It was the same one I had for you. The same color and everything. I was proud of that car seat. when I was walking around the mall I was actually unaware of little babies, but when we are there in the restaurant it seemed like they were every where! Oh well. Of course the one friend being somehow so understand when she does not need to be, always seems aware of what not to say. The other one though, as much as I like her is not aware. The thing is Max, she does not have to be. people should not have to watch what they say around me, as much as I want normalcy, I cant help being bothered by things. I cant have things both ways. But anyway baby silly things like someone talking about another college friend who is having twins, and all this happy life stuff. Things from my baby shower also come up, nothing bad at all. Just how she thought Beanz was a good boy, and how my mom has the need to overfeed people.Things that people talk about. i wish I was not still so affected by life, but I am and as much as I try not to be, I cant. Im bothered. How do I deal with that. Maybe I should stay home forever. If tonight was hard for me and it was just 2 people, how can I deal with anything else. Well baby I know that if there where more tonight, or if the friends with babys could come, I would have backed out. I thought I would be able to handle tonight better then I could. Well in person I was fine, but inside I get so worked up. If I stay this way forever no one is going to want to stay friends with me. I would not want to be my friend! Im sad, complicated, boring. Why I even try Im not sure. I sometimes feel so much worse after I try to do normal things again. Max baby I dont mean to sound awful, it really was not that bad. Seeing friends was good, i just mean Im not the same. Im so affected by things, and the world still goes wether I can handle it or not. So maybe I should stay tucked away even longer. Max one of the stores, I never went in before (because I dont go out or to the mall anymore) well I went in because it was the store with the big toad made out of metal. Well it had signs with sayings the one said “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain” i guess thats perfect for tonight!
There was also one that said
“ The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even heard. they must be felt with the heart.” It made me think of you and everyone who is missing someone. Max it was a neat store, with lots of toad things, neat sayings and wall art. It was called rare earth. Never heard of it before but there was a lot of things that made me think of you and other people.
Max its almost midnight, I think its a melatonin/benadryl night. I should save the computer power so I can write to you tomorrow, if there is still no power. I love you my little love!
Sunday day 75
Well Max baby its now Sunday the 30th. This no power thing is getting old, your dad uses it as an excuse to sleep all day, the dog is bugging me and im growing more agitated. My phone is about to die and the computer does not have much power left. Max it really is amazing what electricity does. i cant do anything, I really want to take a shower and heat up my coffee. I went to Wawa earlier to get coffee but it got cold real fast. Im sure I will go get some more soon, even so I will need to make and excuse to get coffee so I can drive and charge my phone. Max I feel so agitated and cold. Plus the BC pills are done so I am getting my period, which is not helping the mood at all. When I went to get coffee earlier I was so hungry. I dont think I was this hungry in a long time, but because of it I ate crap food. Now on top of being moody, I feel bad about that. I was doing well with eating good. Oh well though. Max the dog was shivering so I found the sweatshirt he wore when he was a puppy. He has grown so much. It still fits, but the arm holes are tight. I felt bad watching the dog shiver! I took a picture of him for you. when I went to go look at it all the pictures of the snow I took for you yesterday are gone. im sorry baby, sometimes my phone does that, pictures just disappear. I really wanted to show you the snow. Even though I hate it, its still your first snow. I even took a picture from your room. Silly phone! Max I hate that this is building and building and I cant send it up to you. Max I really am annoyed today, to the point of I dont know what to do with my self. If I wanted to clean I cant because there is no power, we cant do the dishes, I cant shower, the back yard is a mess, and there are small branches down all over. So I cant take the dog out back, its to cold to walk. And your lazy dad is still sleeping, at least he moved down to the couch. I guess there is nothing else to do. But the neighbors are outside doing things, moving there branches and stuff. Why is it that were so lazy! you dad has to work tonight and he will most likely have to go to my or his moms house to work. Well im staying here. I hate staying at someone else's house.
Max baby today I feel like im having a hard time handling life. Also my coffee is now officially cold! You must think im a miserable person. Not really baby boy, normally Im happy go lucky.
Maybe soon the power will come back, ill take a shower and feel better. well I dont think I will ever feel better until Im with you again, but for this moment a shower wont hurt.
(that little toad I bought yesterday I pulled out of my pocket and put it on the keyboard)
820 pm Well baby boy, STILL no power. The funny thing is even though im cold and a little fustrated, it does not bother me that much. The only thing that bothers me is not being able to send this off to you. Yes im cold and i can see my breath, and the poor dog shivers, but blankets will fix that. Layers will fix that. NOTHING can fix not having you. I have this awesome lamp that lights up the room. I have a little bit of battery power left on the computer so I can type to you. I cant use my phone anymore cause I need to save power so that I can use it as my alarm in the morning. Max I would trade living with out electricty if it ment that I would have you back. Max I would give up most anything to have you with your dad and I. Tonight im struggling with not having you, around. Am I being selfish for wanting you here. Max I wanted babies back to back. I wanted all my kids close in age. After you died I was a little upset that I would have to wait to have a sibling for you. Well now it seems like each day gets harder and harder so i think in my very small brain, maybe I should wait even longer. Then I struggle with the fact that im not getting any younger. But I miss you so much, i dont know if I can have a sibling for you. Does that make me a bad person for wanting to be pregnant again. I did want babies back to back. Your dad was always like wait and decided after we have you. Well we dont have you, so how can I decided. Max I really miss you. Its so fustrating how some nights seem so much harder. Tonight is one of those nights. Max you were my everything. Basicly the past year of my life was devoted to you. From the start of the IVF to now. Everything has been for you. How do I just let go of that. Quoteing David Bowie in the labryinth “ Everything I’ve done I’ve done for you” Well Max you are my world, I dont know how to be in the world anymore with out you. Then I think of that very first miscarriage, Max I could have had lots of babies by now. Max that first one was hard and a little tramtic. I get sad and think of how that baby would be, if they were a boy or a girl. July 4th is never the same for me anymore. You would have been a baby brother to a 5 year old. Why do I not count all the other ones in between. Is it normal for me. Max Even though I know I could have a 5 year old now, That was a could have you my love were a should have. Your were realer that anything. There was something about you. I loved you so much, the moment they put you in me. Max I was told once I have you I will be a diffrent person, Oh well I am a diffrent person but not how they ment Im sure.
Baby tomorrow Im now longer in the bubble as my set assignment. Im sure most people I work with think I should be fine by now. Max im far from fine. The anxiety for work is building up. Hopefully the sleeping pills will kick in soon. Max I should close this out now in case power stays off tomorrow also. Well I love you baby boy.
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