Leaving the house and Did I give you listeria? Day 45

Good morning baby bay. I had a rough night sleeping. I had so many weird dreams. I feel ok now I just did not want to get out of bed. I only have 2 more days to practice getting up before 9:30. Im going to need to have the coffee ready to go. But I guess soon I will also have a reason to get out of bed. Max Im worried im not going to see your little toads tonight because im not going to be home until late. I dont like when I dont get to see them. But thats how its going to be some nights, it just makes me sad.

Max i all ready told you that your dad and I are going out tonight. Im so nervous, not to be going out with him, but to be going out. We had this night planned and  but still I feel like im doing something wrong because im going out. The good thing though is there is going to be no kids and im pretty positive there will be no pregnant people considering were we are gong. Max i was always socially awkward and got nervous when people where in my space, but I feel like its 10 times worse now. the good thing is if I have a melt down its going to be dark and loud so no one will see me cry.

Max, beanz is going to go to my moms house tonight to play with Taz, since he is a lonely dog and I wont be home till late.

I know your going to be with me tonight. I wanted to bring your bear tonight, but your dad so no incase anything should happen. So I think im actually going to bring a purse and bring your receiving blanket with me, mainly for in the car and for comfort. I know I have your necklace also. You are with me alway I know that.

Max I have been real worried that maybe I gave you listeria. Going over all the things I craved when I was pregnant. I did not know how bad hotdogs were for you until late in the pregnancy. I also ate a lot of fruit with cantaloupe in the last 2 months. Well we have been hearing that cantaloupe has been a main cause of it. Im sure its not the case, but Shane is going to call the NCIU to check in on the results and ask if listeria is something they commonly check for.

Max I may not be able to write until real late or tomorrow. But believe me I am thinking about you like crazy. If there is any news in the autopsy results I will let you know.

I love you baby