Loving you!

Hi baby, I went for a walk with your dad and Beanz. WE talked a lot about you. He told me he mainly took  off work last night to be with me, but he did not expect how upset he would. I think he thought he could handle it better because it was all medical stuff. He said he was not expecting how angry and sad he would be. He told me he gets angry when he is sad, because he fears being sad and what it can lead to.  When I was with your dad yesterday he seemed like it was day one again, kind of like me I guess. Max I really love him. He is going to go dirt bike riding right now. I kind of told him to, it like me running. It makes him feel better. I cant go running today, its to cold. My lungs hurt, I have had to use my inhaler twice today. When ever the air gets cold my asthma gets worse. Maybe I will go to the gym later and run inside. Baby boy I know I have every right to be moody and sad but I just remembered that im getting my period this weekend. I guess thats a good thing about being on the pill, I know when its coming. But maybe thats contributing to my emotions, it sure is to my want for fatty food.

Max I feel better, better then yesterday and even better then this morning. Im back to being matter of fact, it is what it is. ha im sure in another hour I may be a mess again, feeling guilty for everything, but right now I feel ok, and I wanted to tell you that. I do seem to miss you more and more though. But I had a really helpful conversation today with someone and then with your dad. Max we are going to be ok. I dont mean the ok that i say I am now, I truly mean ok as in living again. Max there is no other choice. I know im not the same, and wont be, but I wont continually go backwards. I wont fail in life because im missing you, how does that bring justice to you or honor your life. I need to keep life together, because I loved every moment of your life. Me not keeping it together, hurts you. Max I cant think like this all the time, sometimes I feel like crawling into a deep hole and staying there for a while, sometimes I feel like its never going to get better, but times when I feel hopeful, I think I should tell you.

Max baby the house is a mess, the only room that is clean is your bedroom! I just dont feel like doing anything. Max I was going to become "domestic" after you were born, Well your not here so i guess I get out of it! Max I have to get the air conditioner out of the window, we have to do dishes, and we need to go the the grocery store. I dont feel like eating much lately, but your dad does. I also need to get more vegetables to make that juice. Its neat how easy it is get all the vegetables you need if you drink them! It makes me feel like im doing something good. I told you before I decided to cut out as much processed food as possible and eat more raw things. But its so much harder and expensive. Considering I consider microwaving cooking, it hard. Thats why putting vegetables and fruit in a blender then drinking them works just fine. Baby boy im in one of those moods where I want to keep talking (typing) to you. I wish I could go on forever. I plan to get things done this weekend. Maybe it will make me feel productive.
Max baby I will talk to you later, I think today is going to be a more then twice talking to you kind of day.