The future...... day 51

Good morning baby. I woke up a little better. I got little sleep but at lease it was sound. I had weird dreams again. I had a dream I was pregnant with you, and that I was at RSI and they told me I could have an ultra sound any time I want, but then when it came time to it they would not let me. I was upset about that. There were some other dreams to.
Max I did not see a toad lst night, but I saw a lot of other cool things. Hey love today I have to call RSI, maybe the dream was to remind me to call. Im a little anxious with what to say. I also have to pay a bill :(

Max a friend from the support site whose baby boy died around the same time as you was posed a question by her counselor. Which is a good one and does make me think. The question was thinking about the future and life again.

 "To start to live and define the "next life" if you want - once the mourning and grieving and the stabbing pain get less - how and where I want to "re-enter" life again. Do you already feel like "future" in any way and kind? do you also catch yourself feeling guilty when you laugh or maybe think about doing something nice again? "
This does make me think a lot, I have thought about it some. I wanted kids back to back before you died baby boy. Now I feel guilty for wanting another baby. I want a sibling for you but is it ok to think about the future with out you. When do I start to be ok and not feel so overwhelmingly guilty for wanting to go out with your dad, or wanting to see friends. I even feel guilty for wanting to to be ok. The future and living life again is such a big topic.  Its hard to think about tomorrow yet alone a week, month, year from now. Hard to think about the future when I feel guilty today for being hungry for smiling, for everything. But I want to think of the future. I want to be happy again. I want to live the best life for you. I want to give you a sibling. I want to not feel guilty for doing something. I want to not have a day were I feel so low and lost. I want a future where im happy again. I know I am different and will never be the same, but I hope in the future I can be at peace.

Max this is a lot harder then it looks. Unless you know this pain, I don’t think anyone has a clue how hard things are now. But the one thing I learned is that life is short. Stupid things that bothered me before are meaningless. I don’t care about anything really. Everything is so meaningless. Most things are bullshit, and don’t matter. Why get bothered by things that won’t matter. It may be a problem sometimes, if im at work or its something that someone else is so worked up about because, I don’t care, don’t give a shit! Oh well....... Life’s to short to be worried about those things. Plus the person your bitching about or complaining about could die the next day. People go away weather you love them or not but when there gone there gone and you can’t ever go back. Max baby im rambling. I just in a daydreaming mode.......My mind is drifting a lot.

Time to do some work I love you my little love.