Hi my love, I got out of bed today. Its just so cold, poor Beanzs wants to play but not until it warms up! Max I had a rough night, I feel asleep early but woke up around midnight wide awake and then like every hour after that. I had dream after dream of things that went wrong with you. It was never you in the dream but other babies. Each time I would wake up all cold and sweaty. Your dad also woke up and went down stairs, he did not come back to bed till 5am. He said its because of his work schedule and he would normally be awake (which is true)
Max im not a smart person, but im also not dumb. But reading this report over and over tires my brain. I woke up and have been looking at it over and over. I went to Wawa to get coffee, because I felt the need to get in my car and drive, well I brought the report with me. Looked at it before I left and in the parking lot. I cant stop taking everything apart. I know why you died, it says it in there. But there are other things in it that bother me also. Like other then the Meconium it said that there was another bacteria, the only way you could have gotten it was from me, or from exams. it said it was mild, and your dad said that its nothing. It just bothers me. Something else! The ironic part is I had 2 yeast infections with you in the second trimester, I was so worried that I was going to give you bacteria from it that I called the doctors to make sure it was just a yeast infection. What if when they examined me that put it closer to you. I cant help thinking that everything is because of me.
Max this is what the some of the autopsy says:
Clinical history
"Male infant, 41 weeks 1 days gestational age (but it was actually 2 days baby boy) born to a 30 year old G5PO mother with a history of 5 spontaneous abortions. this infant was conceived by in vitro fertilization, initially as a twin pregnancy, with a vanishing twin at 8-10 weeks gestation. Mother was induced for post dates and was ruptured for approximately 7hrs. several decelerations were observed, and the infant was delivered by cesarean section after failure to progress. At delivery , the infant was cyanotic but crying. Cyanosis did not respond to administration of oxygen. He continued to be cyanotic despite positive pressure ventilation as well as epinephrine and chest compressions. Infant was taken to the NICU and died at 1234 on 08/16/2011 at 54 minutes of age. "
Final Autopsy results
" We speculate that the infant experienced hypoxic stress in utero at least three days prior to delivery, resulting in muscularization of pulmonary arterioles also known as pulmonary arteriolar hypertensive changes. Intrauterine distress in turn caused passage of meconium into the amniotic fluid and aspiration of amniotic material and meconium. The meconium possibly resulted in meconium fetal vasculopathy and increased hypoxia. The additional stress of labor and induction around the time of delivery, in the setting of an extremely small placenta for age and probable placental insufficiency, likely created a worsening hypoxic environment for the fetus."
On your brain the;
Normally developed brain for gestational age
Hypoxic-ischemic encephalophy (brain damage due to lack of oxygen)
Max it just all makes me sad. Right now though im back to be very matte of fact. I hate this so much, but I needed facts. I needed and wanted to know as much as possible. I have information. I still want to know more. I dont think I will ever have enough information.
Max holding on to this report does for some reason make me feel close to you. They took you apart, and as awful as that is. I know details about you that I never would have because of it. I know how much your brain weighed 400 gm. It describes your hair pattern. ha ha you had a normal nose! your chest is described as "barrel-chested" . You had the right amount of fingers and toes. I know how much your heart weighed. 29 grams fresh (even though it should have been around 22 grams. I know how much all your organs weigh. I know that may seem strange but its information about you, I did not know before. Most moms would never care about that stuff. (i know I would not) but now when I read it, its more information I have on you. Makes you real again. Someone even though its there job took the time to take you apart and tell me everything that could about you in a report. Max i wish I did not know and you were here with me and I only knew what I could see from the outside, but thats not the way it is.
One more thing max I knew you you were only here for 54 minutes, but I never payed attention to the fact that you died at 1234. In trying to find some positives in life, I think its the time of death is interesting. . 1.2.3.4.....
Max im not sure what to do with my self. I took the day of from work, I needed to be home. Im glad im home. Sometimes its not good to hide and stay tucked away, but other times it is. Today I need to be here tucked away.
Max I love and miss you more and more. The love and sadness grows each day. I never knew how much I was going to need you.
I should go get your dad up. I wish you were here, I would talk to you all day.
I love you
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