Max baby I do my best not to put names in here, but I feel as though maybe this time I should. Im in a shitty mood, so this is my thank you to those who never seem to care, or make my darkness a little better. This list is just right now, there are so many more who should be on it. Max these are some of many who changed/affected my life in good ways. Most people wont read this or even know it is here. I dont think I would ever say it to someone's face because Im not good at being sentimental unless its written. Spoken affection is not my strength!
If someone feels as though they should be on this list, they should. I could go all night really. But here is a top ten for this very moment in my current mood. This list is not in any order.
1.Shanie-the love of my life. The one person who excepts me for all my flaws. My best friend. I would not survive this life with out you.
2.NCIU nurse- You have no idea I write about you. You have no idea about this blog, but your an earth angel to me. Your my last living connection to Max. True kindness of people has always impacted me, there is nothing you can gain from meeting with me. You were Max's nurse, you have no obligation to me after I left the hospital. You could stop talking to me tomorrow and I will still be forever grateful to you. I wish you knew how much your kindness and support mean to me. I hope I am not a burden.
3. Dal. Even with your stuff going on your read my rants to Max. You care enough to read how im doing. Maybe its because you know I wont actually speak to you (I mean how I feel, not, not talk to you) . I appreciate that you comment when I write to Max. It shows that not only do you care enough to read, but you also cared about my baby. I dont know if I told you, but way before Max died. The middle of the pregnancy Shane and I decided you were going to be the godmother. I love you and think your a wonderful friend, even when I dont act like one. Please dont ever bring this up again! You do not need to repeat my act of affection towards you. I will deny it. Even though I love you I still think Harry potter sucks, and I will never get into it.
4. Abbey-I think im lucky and have lots of friends. But people slowly drift away because they dont know what to say or how to act. When I say this I dont mean to be rude to other people, but things are different. No one wants to be friends with the sad girl whose baby died. You are one of very few that seem to know, that now more then ever I need a friend. You always no what to say , and even when to say it. Just your random "thinking of you" has an impact. Your strength is amazing. On my way home today from work in my crying spell, I thought about that walk we went on in Washington DC when I was a freshman. There was so much hate all around us, but there was also love. There was more love then hate. I will never forget that and all that sadness I felt for everyone having to deal with that hate, and how love shined through all that hate and anger. Well your a symbol of that love and it shines off you. Years after college people go there own ways, work on there lives. Your friendship means so much. Shane says your a calming soul. your one of those people who can make things ok just by being, even when they feel like they never will be. ( dont go and get a big head over this)
5. Laura- we have been out of touch for years. I dont have the fondest memories of HS, but I have memories of having fun with you growing up. We have different situations, but there is the understanding that life does not always go as planned. The love you have expressed towards Max and being willing to share your precious mom with him, means more then you know.
6. Case-face- your strength is amazing. I try my best to be positive and so do you. Some days thats the last thing you want to feel, and the emotions take over. Cancer is a cruel bitch, but if anyone is going to put up a fight its going to be you. Your personality has always been contagious, your one of those people that everyone wants to be near. You are amazing. Oh and I will never forget how you saved me from embarrassment that one night in college! But because of that popcorn is how I meet my Beaver people. Also thank you for sharing your friend with me who can also relate to my situation
7. To the handful People I have met who have also sadly lost there babies. Most people will never know about this, but i am grateful that you think of my Max while grieving your babies. For sending me pictures of toads/frogs. For allowing positivity and hope. For making me feel normal, and not alone. For an understanding that no one else can understand.
Also towards the support group leader, if you did not run the support group I would not be able to go. For calling me back, after I gathered the courage to call the info line. For caring.
8. Melissa for your love of dogs, your humor and calling me "boo". Strangely thats the reason I decided to use my miserable mood, of anger, sadness, and guilt and put it towards something good. Im grateful for your wonderful humor. Im so glad you care so much about all them animals, they need people like you.
9. Beanz, you are the best dog friend any human could have.
10. Max-for everything, for being my baby, for being the love of my life. For changing me-for the better.
For showing me love. For EVERYTHING.
Yes there are so many more people that im so grateful for. Just because I did not write about you right now, does not mean I am not appreciative.
Max Im still in a real crappy mood, but I feel ok. We are going to lay on the couch and do nothing. (just how I like it) Your dad is going to pick up food, and we are just going to be tonight. Well baby the crying has stopped for now. So I will run with it. I love you SO much and I will write to you tomorrow.
I love you so much and hate that I have to figure this world out with out you.
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