childless.....still don't know how you died and overall sad. Having one of those days!

Morning.......Hey baby boy its another work week. I'm a little flustered today, but that's ok. I had more weird dreams, but I think that's going to be the way things go from now on. I love you. Tonight I'm supposed to go out to dinner. I hate that I'm so anti-social. Friday I never went because I was not feeling well. I also just feel so awkward now. I don't know how to just be anymore............. I only ever feel relaxed when I'm alone with Shane. Its like some weird panic disorder when you never know what emotions are going to hit. but dinner should be ok tonight, its with 2 friends that don't have any babies. Both of these people are mellow souls as well. as long as I don't decided I'm not going at the last minute it should be ok.
Max I want to be home today, but oh well. I had an ok weekend and now I feel like I'm paying for it with guilt and sadness.
I love you my little love I will talk with you soon baby boy.
Max I should really start eating better, but its hard when I not hungry and hate food shopping!

5:10
Max all of a sudden im having a really hard time. I started to have a crying spell. I feel so sad and hopeless at the same time. I miss you so much, something in my stomach moved today and It reminded me of your kicks. I keep thinking about trying to have another baby but with all the miscarriages I dont think I can do it on my own and we can afford IVF again. I feel so hopeless today. Why do I want a baby so bad? Max I wanted you/loved you SO much. I feel old, and the older I become the harder its going to be to. I always said I never wanted kids, when in reality I did. I always said I was going to adopt, when in reality I want to be pregnant. I always drew silhouettes of pregnant women. Have I always known I would not be able to have babys. Or am I falling into a negative trap. Today I feel real shitty! Max this sucks, im having a poor me day. I hate that, I hate feeling sorry for myself, but today I feel so awful. I cant stop crying, I feel lazy, and fat. Everything around me seems wrong, people I care so much about are having a hard life (currently) . I dont want to be this way. I dont know why I cant have a baby, what have I done so wrong. people can say all they want that I will have kids one day. But people should not say things they cant promise. I have no control over the future or what will happen. I can only go on past experiences, my experiences say chances are low. Max I really REALLY wanted you.
I think this all started because of talking to the RSI people and feeling so hopeless. Then your dad received a call from your NCIU doctor, saying that the results are still not in yet. I still dont know why you died. Why I could not get to keep you.......

Max baby I need to try to get myself together because I committed to diner tonight with good people. I cant keep hiding. Even though it sounds like a plan today.