Brace your self its a ramble!

"Hope dangles on a string,

Like slow spinning redemption.

Winding in and winding out,

The shine of which has caught my eye."

Dashboard confessional-vindicated

Dinner was nice, but im still in one of those moods. Actually kind of angry, and frustrated. Not because of dinner. Even though I feel like I dont know how to be normal anymore. I try but im just so tired! Tonight may have been hard because I am so tired. But still my head is in such a fog and I cant seem to focus. BUT it was still good. There was good conversation and good questions that make me think. I think to think on things other then feeling low.

I started crying on the way home,  not bailing or anything, just a slow stream of tears. When I go home there was three toads waiting for me out back. I love those little things and the peace they give me. You always seem to know when I need calming. Max baby why am this way? Max I am your mom and I love and miss you. Why do I feel that know one else has that right. You were my baby! I have no problems talking about you with those that can take it for what it is. I dont want to talk about how I feel with family. Other random people sure. I will talk about you and the pregnancy and how I am now. But only if I want to . Max why do I get so angry when certain people try to push there feelings on me . If I wanted to talk about it with them I would. Max what I mean is being sad is my problem, no one else's unless I invite them in. Then on that same note everyone is different one person I may be completely ok talking to and the next I dont want to discuss anything other then the weather. Max I dont want anyone doing anything with me unless I ask them. I dont want anyone coming to the support group with me. Max baby I love you so much and I can only handle my own sadness in missing you, no one elses. Max somedays I want to tell the world to fuck off.....but what kind of mom would that make me be! I guess how do people know if there invited in. Well i would think those that are..all ready know!

Max baby a friend I was talking (texting) to said that her mom remembers that she said she said she would take care of you when she gets to heaven. Max I know your going to be fine. There is only going to be good things/people with you. I just wish that we could go and visit every now and then. I know you cant come back, and neither can those that will join you. I just wish you were allowed to have visitors. Im tired. I need to try and sleep, before my mind keeps wondering. Im glad I went to dinner that was one good thing out of my exhausting day. I have a good life Max. A friend left the hospital and is back home. I have a roof over my head. Still have a job. Have family that loves me to much, and have good friends. My depressed attitude needs to be reminded of those things.

Good night my little love, thanks for the Toads.