Hey baby, soooo I did well at being ok today. Today was a better day then the past two. Max today at work the head lady from the cleaning department for the county, well she knew I was pregnant and always complemented my belly. She is a very nice lady. But today she had to come to the bubble (where I was working) she was standing outside of the glass and pointed to my belly, and motioned that it was flat. WEll I had to let her in to talk to one of the sergeants. She asked me how things were going, knowing she was not asking how I was dealing without you, but instead how is being a new mom to an infant. For some reason I froze, then smiled and said good. Then as fast as I could I picked up the phone and just started to pretend like I was dialing someone. Max how am I ever going to deal with this next week. It will be more then just her. Maybe I was more naive then I thought I was. How do I deal with this. The saving grace for my emotions today was that , I was busy with writing an incident report, I was hyper-focused on it, and other work that I just blocked everything out. Of course until I walked out of the building then it always hits me. Im ok melting down alone, its in front of others that scares me.
With that being sad Max, today was still a better day.
I took beanz for a walk, and most people would not chose to listen to slow music when they are trying to have energy to exercise, well today I chose to listen to James Taylor. Im still listening to him as I type to you. See Max I have been listening to him whenever I need to feel better (or to feel happy, or satisfied, he just makes me feel good) It started when I was real little. My mom would listen to James Taylor but would play "Fire and Rain" for me. She would play it because my name is in it. At the time Max I had no idea what the song was about, I just liked it because he said my name, and I loved the way the song made me feel. Years later I learned the pain behind it. Even so, he is comforting. Well while walking listening to some James Taylor, the song "you can close your eye's " came on. Max baby it really made me miss you and feel ok all at the same time. Im listening to this simple song, listening to tone in his voice, the sun was setting and the sky was full of colors. I was thinking of you and I, in the song. Like the song was a conversation between us, sent at just the right time. As if you wanted to have the same conversation. It made me sad and completely ok all at the same time.
http://youtu.be/ELElnewhHkU (feel for yourself)
Well the sun is surely sinking downBut the moon is slowly risingSo this old world must still be spinning 'roundAnd I still love you
So close your eyes
You can close your eyes, it's all rightI don't know no love songsAnd I can't sing the blues anymoreBut I can sing this songAnd you can sing this song when I'm gone
It won't be long before another day
We gonna have a good timeAnd no one's gonna take that time awayYou can stay as long as you like.....Max I then got a phone call from your nurse, i t was real neat timing. It was like you waited until the song was over, and the sunset was blocked by a house. We talked a little about, thursday. She is going to be there. She also told me she has been trying to get more information so she can understand it better, because it is so rare. Truthfully I dont know if I feel better or worse that its rare. I need to just wait for thursday. Anyway, It was nice talking to her. My anxieties are calmed by genuine its ok's. Max baby she does not know that I tell you about her. I feel like even though you died you gave me her, a connection to you. I wonder what she would think, would she find that weird. I wonder what I would think if the roles were reversed. Would I want to know, how I felt. I hope she knows how grateful I am. Max I was telling her that I had an emotional couple days, but today is ok. I told her that I hate when I do ok, then crash again. How I feel like I should be able to handle it. How Im stubborn and hard on myself. Its just nice when your reminded that your not going crazy. We talked about how certain things, just trigger melt downs. (like the pumpkins, and talking about cleaning the rugs) She reminded me that I can call anytime. Max I told her im bad at that, back to the stubborn thing where I think I can handle everything on my own, and my fear of bothering people and feeling like a burden. So I just internalize everything. She owes me nothing, she has no reason to be nice, or care. I never want to bother anyone. I feel like she means it, I just have my own need not to be a burden.
Max baby today was ok, thank you. Thank you for letting me see that today was ok. So Max baby it wont be long until we meet again. When we meet, it will be where we left off. Things will be ok then, I wont leave you. This world is still going to spin, and as long as it does I will be loving you. Its going to be alright.
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