Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hi little love, sorry again I could not go to these things today. I think maybe your dad was upset that, I told him about them after they werre over. But he understood my reasoning and that I just cant. I also think he was upset when I told him that there was a party today for Julius and Mea. They are 2 of your cousins that have Oct birthdays. (well she cancelled it, so im off the hook) It was going to be at Chucky Cheese, Im not going there any time soon. I also told him I was not going to Thanksgiving or Christmas and that im going ot be sick. He told me that he is still going. Thats fine with me, im staying home though.
Max Im trying real hard today to be upbeat, but I feel like its making me agitated. Like I need to fight someone! Maybe your dad will let me wrestle with him. Max Im having a lot of crying spells, but not the kind where im crying all day. Its out of nowhere , I can read or see something and then just start crying. I thought I was past that point.
Max why am I so hard on my self, I think im my own worst enemy.

We went  to the gym, I decided I was not gong in, I was going to go for a run on a trail by the gym. I have been there before, but never noticed that right at the beginning there is a memorial. There is an angel on top and underneath there is a picture, of each age group including a child. The memorial is for lose who have died. I started to cry of course. This memorial was for those that lost there life to violence. You did but not at the hands of violence. I should feel grateful that you were not murdered. There was benches around the memorial that had sayings in regards to grief and loss. I don't have them right now. I did not have my phone, just the ipod. But I was able to take a video of them later I will share them with you. But anyway I think its what I needed. I think I needed to go on the path to see the memorial, to see the angel statue and quotes. Of course I was crying in public when people are getting ready to bike or run.
The run was not my best, I hate being so out of shape. Again being hard on my self. I hate failing, I used to be good at running and now its such a struggle. I cant seem to do much right Max baby. But I do know I love you!

Oh we got a letter today on how much it will cost for a frozen embryo transfer when we decided to do it. 5,000 dollars plus medication. But its a lot less then the whole IVF process again. When I told your daddy this started a frustrated conversation of money. Your daddy does not know but I saw him looking at your picture.

Im agitated today, maybe its anger. I dont want to stop writing to you. I wish I was actually talking to you instead. I dont want you to have a negative mommy. Im sorry. Your to important for me to be like this. I wish I could just let go and be ok. I wish I could just be happy for you. I wish so much.

Max I love you and miss you more everyday.

One of your Toad friends sent from Dallas.