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Hey baby my day was going in the way of a 5 actually, I had a lot of those breakout cryings. I drove past that stand on Strasburg road again, with the pumpkins, well there was a sign that said " its a boy" Max that made me sad. Of course i was all ready in a crying mood. I have had a bunch of crying moments so far today. WHen I got home, I was a little moody towards your dad. Not mean just whiny I guess. He told me, that the doctor called and that we will meet with them on Thursday at 3:30. Well that made me more agitated I think. I wanted to know everything she told him. Your dad said that the pathologist will not be able to be there, but we can call him, if we have any questions that she cant answer. She told him that there was very definite results and that it gives hope to us having a healthy child in the future. Im sorry Max, I will never believe it until it happens. Then when it happens I dont know if I will ever be able to relax, until I die. Any way Max we will meet with the NCIU doctor and the OB doc on thursday. My anxiety for when the meeting will be has now turned into actually anxiety for the meeting. I was doing well, just justifying all the information I could find in my head, but soon they will tell me why.  Today in my research I was going back to blaming myself. Max what if my asthma and being insulin resistance (but im not diabetic, and did not have gestational diabetes) have something to do with making you sick. Its just another what if, but for real Max what if? What If that pain I had real bad was a sign of something wrong. What if I complained more, or demanded more attention at times. I know better though, it was a prefect pregnancy. Im just blaming again, blaming myself. As a mom shouldn't I know. When we have the meeting it will come back that nothing could have been done, but Max I think I will always blame myself.

I was feeling really low, but we went for a run together and that really helped my sad mood a lot. Well Max im feeling sad, but not  like im going to break down like I was. Its like a tired sad now. Its only 5:30 but I wish I could go to bed (it would also help with feeling so cold). Overall Max my day has been around a 5, but not because of the horoscope. I did not decided I was having a bad day, I wanted to have a good day. 5 is in the middle, my day has been ok. Not bad, not great. Its just there. Sometimes just there is good. Im feeling the best right now. Your dad has not started work yet and he is playing with Beanz. I love those two. This is the best I felt all day. These good moments give me hope.

Max I went to work, I went for a run, now Im just going to lay on the couch with Beanz, until its late enough for me justifying going to bed. I love you little boy.