Hey my little love. I did ok today. To another person the things I did today are nothing, but for me I did huge things. I made it, and I did things that used to be so easy but are now so incredible hard. In the the training it was real hard to focus , but it was good at the same time. It made the day go fast. Max I did ok, until I was driving home. I went past Weaver mulch, where there is the little stand where they sell fresh vegetables and homemade goods. Well there was a bunch of pumpkins. Out of nowhere baby boy, i started to cry. I could not control it. Just started balling. You will never experience halloween and fall things. Or was I crying because I will never experience it with you. The tears just started coming out. But then I came home to your dad, and we went for a run together. Still WAY out of shape little boy, but It was fun today and I felt good running with your dad, and Beanz. Max baby I thought I was doing better, with happy people and happy babys. Well I am its tricky. I wish I could explain, One minute im ok the next I feel so sad. I really need to just cancel facebook. I hate being on there anymore. Its not fair to people I care about to feel so sad when I see there happy babys, and all that goes with it. Seeing people complain about being tired, or talk about wanting more kids, when things have been so easy for them. Its like torture almost, because I want to look. I still love babies and like seeing them, but it makes me sad. Things that never would have effected me before. I dont even like seeing my own sisters soon to be one year old. Does that make me a bad aunt/godmother. I really miss seeing all my other nieces and nephews just not the baby. I actually wish they could all come over and hang out with out there moms, other then the baby. But who am I to deny anyone happiness because im sad. What kind of person does that make me. How is that fair. Its such a fine line of making myself ok and and allowing others to be ok as well. I have no right to deny that for anyone. So therefore maybe its better I delete all those around me. Go into my own solo world, or just associate with people who dont cause me to feel so much confusion and frustration in my own mind. Well I should clairfy, the people in my life dont make me feel that way, they are doing nothing wrong. Its how I feel when faced with life. BUT Max love, I actually went to the grocery store by myself. (A big step) and in the check out line there was a mom with three young kids. I was ok with it. there was a baby in the cart, who I was able to interact with. I was ok with her. Why is it so random, AND why do certain people make me more upset then others.
Even with that its been an ok day. I went to work. I went to a training outside the comfort of the control room, I actually had to go around other county workers. I had to function. I went to the grocery store on my own. I smiled at a baby, who smiled back. I ate dinner. Im ok.
All that being said I really miss you. Its crazy baby boy how much I miss you. How even on a day where I tried to be ok, and managed better, I still am so empty with out you. ha ha Max I wish I could show your picture to everyone I meet. SO I could show you off, and show that you were real and that I have a son, and his name is MAX!
MAX! MAX! MAX!
Max Athan Brant-my little love.
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